The Adventure Continues...in St. Augustine!

As promised, I will give you an update on our Ghost Hunt last night.  It was quite possibly the best money we have spent since we left Muncie!  Definitely worth the $40 for the whole family.  But, truly, yesterday was just about perfect!  I have already told you that we enjoyed the fort at St. Augustine immensely.  It was really cool to think of standing in one of the oldest cities in the United States. 

The fort at St. Augustine

But I digress.  I am supposed to be writing tonight to give you an update on our Ghost Adventure!  I worried, a lot, about Drew.  I just wasn't sure if he was old enough.  I didn't want to scar him for life!  What if he got so scared that he didn't want to sleep?  But he does watch Ghost Hunters on t.v.  I really thought he would be okay...

And I was right!  He loved it!  Almost as much as Indira did.  She really enjoyed it!  Let me give you the details...

So we made a reservation for the Ripley's Ghost Tour for 8:00 pm last night.  We paid about $40 for all four of us and met this lady at 7:45 to give us our "gear."  (This consisted of a disposable camera and a K-II meter.)  At 8:00 our tour guides gave us our instructions for the K-II meter.  Evidently, it measures electromagnetic frequency, which "ghosts" give off!  It all seemed kind of funny to me, but in a weird way, kind of real?  I don't know.  Not sure I am a believer, but not positive that I am not either!

We boarded the trolley and the tour guides told several "ghost stories" about St. Augustine.  Some were pretty interesting.  Definitely entertaining!  We made several stops to do our own investigating. 

Indira & PJ following our tour guide through the streets of St. Augustine

One of the graveyards we toured.  My picture caught "orbs."  But I am pretty sure it's just dust!

After our tour of the various places throughout town, the tour guides brought us back to the Ripley's Museum for our final investigation.  Apparently, the museum is the former house of two ladies who died there years ago.  You can guess how the story goes, I am sure!  This actually was a little scary.  I was worried that Drew would get really scared in

this part.  But he enjoyed it!  We did go into one room that was rumored to be haunted (where the ladies died) and he was watching that little meter pretty closely!

As we were walking out of the museum, when the tour was over, I could tell that the kids had a great time.  I wish we could do it again!  Drew had one comment, in particular, that was pretty funny.  "Mom, my legs are shaking!"  And they were.

This will probably rank up there at the top of our little family adventures.  We have had a great time in St. Augustine!  I am looking forward to coming  back again sometime!

One more full day and then it is back to reality.  That saddens me a little.  As eager as I am to get to sleep in my own bed, we have had a lot of fun.  Almost so much fun that I have forgotten about the shuttle launch!  Not really, but close!

Until next time...

The Adventure! (That didn't happen...)

So, as trusting and naive as I am, I can't seem to plaster across Facebook the fact that we are traveling.  I figure the only people crazy enough to read my little blog are not interested in my house full of junk and wouldn't likely go and rob my house.  However, I don't know my friends' friends, so I will leave our travel updates to blogspot.

Recently, my dear hubby came to me and requested permission (as if it was needed!) to go on a little adventure with his buddies to see the shuttle Endeavor launch it's final voyage from Kennedy Space Center.  I obliged, but  not without a mental tally mark for a future girl trip for myself!  I was a bit jealous but even more so excited for him, knowing his love of all things NASA.  It was a trip of a lifetime for him and he was "stoked."  I prepared for my few days of the insanity of single parenting, which I will never feel I am capable of, and listened to his countdown to the adventure.

Then, the inevitable.  One of the guys had to cancel.  What do do?  Find a replacement?  Or "offer" to make the terrible, daunting trip to Florida with him?  Of course I did the latter.  Oh, and we could take the kids.  I mean, after all...it is a trip of a lifetime and something I am sure my kiddos will remember forever.  He had already made the arrangements for missing a couple of days of work, and we had not planned a summer vacation.  So that was the plan.  We were planning our adventure to see Endeavor launch on April 29th.  Tickets were bought from E bay, as well as a parking pass.  Checked in with school to make sure the kids were allowed to miss.  Reservations made for a condo in St. Augustine, because after all, we were going to be in Florida.  Might as well have fun and use it as a vacation!

Then the real adventure began.  Roughly 900 miles of driving.  Everything went fine.  Until...

Drew realized he forgot his DS.  Now, for some, I am sure this wouldn't be a particularly big deal.  But, for Drew, this was major.  For one, our "screen time" is limited in our household, for reasons that would require another blog post.  Uninterrupted DS time was something to be excited about.  And I reminded him to charge the DS several times, which he did.  And left on the charger in his bedroom.  Luckily his sister offered her pink DS for two whole hours, which was actually pretty generous!

Then, the DVD player in the car broke.  New movies lay in the cellophane, waiting to be watched.  But not by my darlings.  It wasn't working.  No movies.  No DS for Drew.  This may be a LONG 16 HOURS.

Drew, happy to be borrowing his sister's DS!

Thankfully, On Star provided a scenic drive for day 2 of driving, which made for a more interesting ride.  (Day 1 travel was peppered with severe storms the evening before, so this was a welcome change!)

Our scenic drive through the Carolinas.

We arrived Thursday in tact.  We survived periodic shouting matches, bickering, an embarrassing number of pit stops and the same top 20 songs repeated over and over on XM radio.  The condo was nice.  We can't afford luxury and won't pretend we can, so we were pleased with our little modest accommodations.  Our "ocean view" is really a view of a parking lot, THEN the ocean.  But I am not complaining!  I can still sit on the balcony and see and hear the ocean.  The sun was shining upon our arrival and it was a perfect 78 degrees!  Life was good!



After going to bed pretty early, we were prepared for our trip to see the shuttle launch.  Our drive time was 2 hours, but probably less than 100 miles.  Traffic became quite heavy going into the different areas for shuttle viewing.  Our tickets gave us admission to the Visitor Center, which was across the causeway.  When I heard "Visitor Center" I thought of a fancy rest stop type facility.  It was anything but that!  It was amazing, really!  Lots and lots to do!  Hundreds of people of ALL different backgrounds, buzzing around with the same anticipation.  Oh, and it would be awful to forget to mention the feeling of pride that swept over the crowd.  Even in the traffic, we saw kids waving pictures of American flags out of their minivan sunroof!  It was awesome to be there and waiting for such a cool event.

Welcome Sign to the Kennedy Space Center!  We're here!

Then.

Without warning.

The dreaded NASA tweet.

The launch was "postponed due to a heater malfunction" until at the earliest Sunday.

We left the visitor center down, but still hopeful that we would see a launch.  Maybe Sunday?  We would have to "suffer" through a day of Florida fun, I guess.

Then another dreaded tweet later that day.

Maybe Monday?

So Saturday was spent at the beach and pool.  Sand castles were made, a little more bickering and arguing (because it wouldn't be a family vacation if there wasn't any!) and we were having a great time.  Sunday was going to be spent enjoying downtown St. Augustine.  Our plan?  The fort, Ripley's museum, and a Ghost Tour for the evening.  As we were gearing up for the long day ahead of us, we received the final tweet....

At the earliest, May 8th.

We won't be going to the launch.  At some point, we do have to get back to reality, right?

We were so disappointed.  Then felt almost guilty for feeling disappointed!  After all, here we are, taking a great trip with our two healthy kids.  Grateful for the ability to even get to go!  There is no option but to make the best of it and enjoy the blessings that have been given to us.  I am grateful beyond words for the opportunity to do something fun with my family...always!  Its still an adventure, just a different one!

Plugging their ears before the cannon fires!

Right now, I am "resting."  We have had a full day already, and we are going back for more tonight!  The fort at St. Augustine was very cool.  We made it just in time for a re-enactment of a cannon firing drill.  The kids thought that was pretty cool.  I don't know how to review the Ripley's Believe It Or Not museum, except to say it was a bit overpriced, I thought.  But fun, nevertheless.  Tonight, we meet back at the museum for the Ghost Tour.  I guess, there are many "haunted" spots in St. Augustine, so that should make for some fun entertainment!  Let's hope it doesn't cause any bad dreams!

Check back tomorrow to hear how our tour went!  I am a little nervous and wondering if I am teetering on the line of bad parenting for letting Drew go.  If he is up tonight crying, I guess I will know for sure then, huh?

Ready for more in St. Augustine!

Year In Review: Part One

Well, I had might as well go ahead and do another post similar to last year's "year end" post.  It was nice to take a look later and realize what all we as a family had been through the previous year.  Hmmm....where to start...

We started the year off with my working still at the school.  It was an adjustment this past year that I never expected in a million years to be so difficult.  I guess after staying home for eight years, you just are never prepared for the way that going back to work rocks your world.  It was hard.  It still is, even after a year and three months of working.  I still feel like I will never get used to that lifestyle again.  The rushing, busy, chaotic world that a working mother tries to manage.  Life was busy before I was working outside the home.  It didn't compare to the "busy" I feel now.  Sometimes I wonder.....

The winter came and went with several school closings.  Snow days.  Delays.  Cabin fever.  Onward to spring...and we were ready for it!  We had decided to try to sell the house.  After a couple of years here, we were realizing that an office space for PJ is just much more of a need than we had thought.  His schedule permitted him to work two days each week from home.  Our house only had a dining room to use as an office, that does not have a door to shut.  After the holidays, we were considering putting the house up for sale sometime in the spring.

We spent a wonderful week with my parents in Florida for spring break.  It was a week chock full of creating memories that I will cherish forever, I'm sure.  My parents crack me up, almost as much as the little retirement community that they live in does!  We came back from spring break and one week later, our drama began.  The house fire!

I wouldn't have enough space to blog all of the different lessons we learned during our little inconvenient stay in an apartment during our house remodel.  It was only for a month!  Yet, I felt more stress during that time than I had in a very, very long time.  Two kids.  Not at your home.  Not your own bed or furniture, for that matter.  Not your own towels, even!  One bathroom.  Kids sharing a bedroom.  Tiny kitchen.  Stinky apartment building.  And yet, as inconvenient as everything was...we were so blessed that we even had that apartment!  We were safe.  Warm.  Had everything we needed.  It truly was a lesson in gratefulness.  I will still never be able to fully grasp how well our kids did during that time.  They were so much more flexible than I was!  We tried to look at the entire month as an adventure and I think the kids did a great job at that!  They didn't even fight very much while sharing a bedroom, which they were NOT used to.

After moving back in, we tried to get back to our "normal" as much as possible, so much so that we decided we would NOT move and just make it work at our house.  (See previous post "It's a mansion to someone.")  We went through the summer with the intention of staying.  Speaking of said summer...

Not sure why, but for some reason, we decided to purchase another rental over the summer.  Shortly after the house fire.  As if there had not been enough stress in our lives!  But what an adventure.  (Again!)  We purchased a house near Ball State and gained possession only days before the new renters were to move in.  We rushed in and changed out carpet, completed some minor repairs, cleaned and handed over the keys.  It was a whirlwind!  It all just happened so fast!  And it was fun!

I blinked and it was time for school to start again.  My summer did NOT last near long enough.  I felt I didn't enjoy any down time with my children.  I was so grateful for the handful of times that we enjoyed Haley's and Joe's pool last summer.  It was truly some of the best family time I had experienced in a very long time.  So grateful for the generous heart that they both have to share something so fun with our family.

Back to school and back to chaos.  It still hasn't become "normal" to me to work.  I would be lying if I said I didn't miss my days of just being MOM and WIFE.  I felt it was where I was meant to be.  Does that sound crazy?  I did, though.  I enjoyed taking care of my family and our home.  I didn't minimize at all the responsibility and never once felt the NEED to go to work.  The job fell into my lap.  But I have been so grateful for it.  Because of it, I was able to get to know more people in the community than I ever would have been able to.  And the extra income?  Let's just say I feel a huge sense of accomplishment for the year 2010 when it comes to finances.  We were able to pay things off, invest.  Be smarter than we have been able to in a very long time.  And I know it was all because of that opportunity!  I am so grateful!


So in a nutshell?  I am excited about the things we did accomplish.  Bummed a little about the things I didn't.  I feel like we focused on our fiscal health more than our physical health last year.  The next year will begin with some focus on the latter of the two!  We HAVE to make it a priority this year.  It's time.  The kids have had a decent first semester.  Could have been worse...could have been better!

Which brings us to today....I am going to need a "Part 2" for my goals for 2011!

Keeping up with the Hankins'

I have not blogged in over a month, and I am trying like heck to figure out why.  Either it's a.)  blogging is my therapy and since my life is so perfect right now, I need no therapy or b.)  my life is so incredibly busy right now that I don't know if I am coming or going.

It's b.


I don't know where to start, but how about here....

I think that I was a "stay at home mom" during the wrong flippin' years!  When your children are babies...they aren't really too busy.  I mean, yes, you chase them around the house.  But they don't have basketball practice.  And volleyball practice.  And Art Club.  And field trips.  And Cub Scouts.  And crap to sell for school.  And homework.  And FRIENDS.  I could go on.  And on.

Right now.  Tonight.  On December 9th.  I am wondering how in the heck my working mom friends do it.  I mean, without losing their minds!  I am overwhelmed beyond words.  And I only have 2 kids!  Not to mention the fact that my husband is amazing and I never feel alone in this whole process.  Its truly a team effort, so again, I am wondering why this is so hard for me.  Why can't I get it together?!?!

Here is my reality:   I am tired.  I don't have my Christmas shopping finished.  My daughter is struggling in Math and I am trying to give her some extra attention and help with homework.  We ate ham sandwiches for dinner because I didn't have it in me to cook tonight.  My house is clean but only because my dear husband hired a cleaning lady to come 2x a month to help us keep up.  That is downright embarrassing to me!  Why can't I clean my own house?  Why don't I have time?

Want to know what I miss????

I miss that little window of time when your kids are old enough to play with, talk to, have fun with.  Easy to take to the grocery.  Easy to hang out with while you are cleaning, visiting your grandparents, getting stuff done.  Maybe even that little window of time when they are in Kindergarten or something.  But not yet involved in 50 million things.  Before Math started getting harder.  When you didn't have to study for spelling tests.  And AR books were read 3 or 4 times for the next day's quizzing. 

After they have learned to read.  But before chapter books.

You know....the time of Leapsters and Kidzbop.  Disney movies.  Dora.  Car seats.  Baths.

*sigh*

Why do I have this sneaking suspicion that one day I will be listing out all of the reasons I miss the ages that my kids are RIGHT NOW?  I guess I just need to figure out how to handle the "newness" of where we are these days.  Busy schedules.  Working mom now.  Things just change, huh? 

Maybe I need to blog more.  Maybe I have neglected the very therapy that has kept me sane....

Until next time (which really should be tomorrow, seeing as I am stressed to the max!)...get some rest, for crying out loud.  6:00 am will be here before you know it!

Speaking Of Ultrasounds....

My Drew had to have some tests run yesterday.  I am not worried.  (That won't do anything but make me crazy.)  I truly think everything is fine, but his doctor wanted to just double check a few things.  So away to Radiology we went.  It was interesting...taking a child in to have tests ran.  I thought about some of my friends who have children with health problems and immediately I felt humbled.  For just a standard test, I was nervous.  And again, I really shouldn't have been.  His doctor gave me absolutely no reason whatsoever to be worried.  I am not one to get consumed by worry, either.  I have never thought it productive....going on and on about things you 1. have no control over and 2. may not even happen.  When this little "test" came along, I tried like crazy to figure out why the room, the ultrasound, the whole thing really, affected me so greatly.

Then I realized that I really don't have the best track record when it comes to ultrasounds.

I have never gotten good news from an ultrasound.

It came over me like a rush of emotion.  I remembered some of the strangest things about my ultrasounds for both of my pregnancies that ended so sadly.  I remembered the doctor's facial expression when he realized something was wrong.  It was so abrupt and so unexpected.  I remembered the second pregnancy.  Going into the office, just knowing for sure that this time was different.  I remember the technician's face when she told me "it happened again."

Good Lord.  Sometimes, I don't know how I am sane.  When I look back at those times in my life and how I tried so hard to push all of the emotion aside, (only to let it resurface later) I don't see how I didn't just give up.

Isn't it funny how different experiences bring out some of the most vivid memories?  And some of those memories, I really thought I had forgotten.

It almost makes me angry.  I mean...here Drew is having this test ran.  I am worried, but trying not to be.  (Again, knowing that worry won't do anything.)  And then, BAM!  A rush of memories I had buried deep in my bank, not wanting to ever withdraw.  That makes me kind of mad!  I am just stubborn enough to be irritated at getting emotional when I don't want to be.

Sometimes, I guess I have to blog my way through learning my lesson.  Throughout Drew's ultrasound and after, as I await the much needed phone call to tell me he is fine, I reflect on what I do know.  I know that I am strong.  I know that I survived a very difficult time in my life, emotionally.  I know that I am more grateful every single day for a husband who "gets me."  I know that my children....

Sigh....

I know that my children have been an instrument, used by God Himself, to teach me more lessons about love than I ever thought were possible.  He certainly makes no mistakes!  I will never have the words to explain what adoption did for ME.  (Not the children we adopted.)

So, praise God for ultrasounds.  And memories that we think we want to forget.  Sometimes those are the most important ones to remember!

(Did I say I was angry earlier?  See!  I just have to blog my way through it!)

Drew Is Scarred For Life......Oops.

**sigh**

I try so hard.  Really, I do.  I try to keep my kids sheltered from things that will cause them to be lying on a sofa someday, purging all of the dysfunctional aspects of life these days.  But you know I fail sometimes.  I am sure I will hear about this one someday.....

Shall I start with my intent?  Why not?  Always better to begin a parenting story with your good intentions, right?

I have been trying to help my kids, over the past year or so, learn more about God's amazing creation through many different ways.  Hiking.  Parks.  Going new places.  Learning about different cultures by trying new foods.  I am determined to foster an environment where our creation is appreciated, and I have really kept outside of the mainstream world while doing it.  I haven't focused on the game systems, big budget concerts, high ticket adventures as much this last summer.  We are just more of a low key family, I think.  It works for us.  But when the Disney movies came out ("Earth", "Oceans" and "Babies") we were all excited for those.  We are a Discovery channel family, so these were really cool to us.  Documentaries about things we love.

The other day, we chose to watch "Babies." According to the little blurb describing the movie on On Demand, the documentary followed the first year of life for four babies.  They were from Japan, Mongolia, U.S. and Africa.  Now.  I SHOULD have looked into the movie a little more closely, so I could have been prepared.  I didn't.  I didn't read anything about the PG rating for "cultural and maternal nudity throughout."  Not "mild."  Not "brief."  "THROUGHOUT."  Nope.  It was about babies, for crying out loud!  How did I know there would be too many boob shots to count!  Now, as an adult, (and a straight woman) I didn't notice.  I had even had a conversation with Indira one time about breastfeeding when we had some friends who had a newborn.  She remembered and really was fine.  I don't think it phased her.  At all.  She's nine.  And a girl.

Drew is six and a boy.

It disturbed him.  And I feel terrible about it.  It was one of those situations when you don't know WHAT to do.  Do I ignore it and hope he doesn't notice.  Nope.  Not going to work.  ALL FOUR stories showed breastfeeding.  No getting around that.  And the African tribe that was followed?  No shirts at all.  Ever.  What was I going to do?  Tell him to leave the room every time we caught a flash of a nipple?  I didn't want him to think anything was wrong, though.  It was natural.  There was nothing wrong with any of it, but I also didn't want him to be uncomfortable!  I hate it when you don't know WHAT to do!  Hindsight says.....I SHOULD HAVE READ MORE ABOUT THE DOCUMENTARY BEFORE VIEWING IT WITH MY SIX YEAR OLD BOY.  Too late.  And the part that stunk the most....the baby parts of the movie were amazing to him.  He really enjoyed seeing how different cultures lived and watching those little babies!  What did I do?

After a couple of boob shots, and seeing his face look a bit troubled....

I asked him to sit with me.  I told him that I didn't realize this movie would show breast feeding.  I then had a great opportunity to explain what that was and how cool it was for God to create the exact food a baby needs right there inside the mommy!  It was great to see him amazed at a miracle, and breastfeeding is just that!  Now, onto the topless African women....

What an interesting way to explain how cultures differ!  I am pretty sure it still seemed strange to both of my kids to run around half naked.  But still.  An opportunity to talk about how JUST BECAUSE SOMETHING IS DIFFERENT OR STRANGE TO YOU....DOESN'T MEAN ITS WRONG.  This was a great lesson for my kids.  How cool it is that they respect different cultures!

The solution?  After our paused break for the conversation, we went on to watching and Drew chose to turn his head when it showed any breastfeeding scenes.  (We talked about how that was okay to feel more comfortable NOT looking.)

As terrible as it sounds, there were really only a handful of scenes.  It wasn't some tasteless movie with nudity.  It was no different than a National Geographic article.  I just hadn't planned on handing Drew a National Geographic!

I hope this doesn't surface someday with a therapist.  I truly tried to handle it the best way I knew how.  I didn't want to overreact.  I didn't want to ignore it, so we talked about it.  Who knows if I did the right thing or not!

Until next time....read those ratings a little more carefully, would ya?

Why International Adoption?

"After all, aren't there hundreds, even thousands of children here in the United States just waiting for a loving family to take care of them?"

If I had a dollar for every time I have heard this, I would be a rich woman. In fact, some people are downright offended at the thought of us daring to take care of another country's child before adopting one of "our own." And don't get me started on the term "our own."

Wow.

I never dreamed that when deciding to blog on this topic my mind would be swirling so quickly that I honestly do NOT know where to start. But let's start here: This particular topic is really much bigger than just international adoption. Its so much more than that, when you get to the root of what people are actually saying when they make comments like the one I mentioned. I guess I'll just start with this little nugget to ponder...

Isn't a person, a person? What exactly determines WHO is worthy of love, compassion and care? Oh...its GEOGRAPHY! (See how silly that sounds?) And here is where I really get frustrated...there are a LOT of folks who are negative about international adoption who are Christians. Let me go here again....by definition a Christian is a "Christ follower." Newsflash: Jesus was not from the United States. I don't think He ever mentioned taking care of just "our own" when He implored us to care for orphans and widows. In fact, He even commanded us to love our enemies but I can't go there in this blog.

So yeah, I think we can rule out the thought that we are to only adopt from the United States when we look at things from a Christian perspective.

But what about the social and political twists and turns that seem to pop up?

Well, maybe we should check the facts. This IS the United States. We don't have children lying in orphanages unable to get antibiotics and suffering needlessly. We have a system where NO CHILD has to go hungry. We have foster care, welfare, food stamps, medicaid, free lunch and more. Like it or not, that is our country. I am not saying that no child DOES go hungry. But we all know that issues like that are much more complicated. Usually there are family problems that adoption will not solve. Truth is, we have waiting lists in this country to adopt a baby. There are more prospective parents than there are babies available. And before you bring the "there are plenty of older children available" logic, let me just give my two cents on that...

Not everyone is equipped to deal with some of the challenges that come with adopting an older child. Does that mean I am against older child adoption? NO WAY! I just believe in my heart that those who feel led to go that route, do.

So what to do if you are NOT in the position to handle the challenges of an older child? And, oh by the way....there are THOUSANDS of children in other countries in need of a home. I would imagine you might consider international adoption. This is only my thought process. I know for a fact that many other families that I know that have adopted internationally have very different means of coming to their decision. My point is this...

Families that adopt have many different reasons for going the route they go, whether domestic or international. For our family, in particular, it was the right decision. We had suffered the loss of TWO stillborn babies before deciding to adopt. Our little Indira was waiting for us in Kazakhstan. We needed her as much as she needed us...which brings me to this:

Most families I know that chose international adoption have felt the peace and direction of God throughout their decision making. It wasn't about skipping off to some other country to buy a baby. It was about feeling led to love a child that was out there somewhere. For us, Kazakhstan first, and then here in Indiana.

But to go back to the political thing....

I hate to do this. Really, I do.

But when are we going to realize that we as Americans are no more entitled to life than anyone else? Since when are we the chosen nation? Why should we take care of "our own" before taking care of ANYONE ELSE? I understand supporting your economy. Buy American! Sure....there has to be a level of support in order to thrive economically. But come on people! These are human lives! A child who happened to be planted in another country is no less worthy of love and care than one who happens to be planted in the US! As a HUMAN, we should celebrate any time a child finds a family, regardless of GEOGRAPHY!

I'm afraid that this level of superiority, elitism, if you will, separates us. Your brothers and sisters in Christ are not just American!

So now, I will step down from my soap box. It doesn't happen often...this frustrated, almost angry type of post! But every once in a while, I have to just get it off my chest. Purge my feelings and hope that while my intent is not to just change everyone's mind to match mine...I can at least give another perspective. You may disagree with me, still. But maybe you can at least TOLERATE another viewpoint after reading my thoughts!

Until next time....here's to celebrating not just diversity, but actually the things that are the same between us!

The Fire Diaries: Part 3...It happened, we snapped!

I think its kind of comical that I pride myself on keeping a positive attitude in the midst of a whole lot of negative going on around me. The reason its funny is because ANYTIME you PRIDE yourself on anything, chances are you are going to get a lesson taught at some point. Hmm, what do I mean....well, here:

I have said it. Felt it. Lived it. Positive thinking during the times of negative "stuff." I make it my mantra to find the good in times of adversity. To see the cup as half-full. I am a die-hard, self-proclaimed, to the point of annoying sometimes, OPTIMIST. I hate focusing on the negative and I refuse to let ANYTHING get me down. Or so I thought.

Yesterday, I lost it. I mean, kind of went a little nutty even. Loco.

I have this pet peeve of people yelling at their kids in front of people. I just kind of think, its your business, not mine. I don't want to hear you scream at the top of your lungs at your kids, and am pretty sure you don't want to hear me, either. I would classify myself as a closet yeller. I try not raise my voice. It happens. BUT....not out in the front yard for the neighbors to hear. Now, my husband, on the other hand....

He is one of those "I am not trying to impress anyone, so why should I pretend I don't yell at my kids" kind of people. If something the kids are doing warrants something stronger than a "now kids....," chances are, he will raise his voice. And he is much more of a disciplinarian than I am. But yesterday. Oh, yesterday. The kids were pushing us BOTH to our limits. They were arguing over EVERYTHING. Just bickering. Finally, after arguing while trying to play basketball, I said, "That's it. Go clean out the van. There is plenty to do for both of you. If you can't get along while playing, let's just work then." Now. Did I really think cleaning out the van would magically make them start to get along? Who knows. I was desperate. We were out at our house TRYING to clean up the yard and simultaneously do a few loads of laundry with my washer and dryer. Surprise, surprise. The arguing begins again. This time, PJ is riding by on the tractor and sees it. He kind of went a little overboard. The next thing I know, I am in the backyard and I can hear him yelling at the kids. Loud! It had to be loud for the kids to hear him over the tractor. I turn to look next door and who is outside? Of course. Our neighbors are out front. With company. Do I have to even say anymore? You already know that I lost it. He lost it with the kids. Now I am losing it with him.

I just grabbed my keys. Shut the hatch on the van. Told the kids to buckle up. This whole time PJ is staring at me like I am crazy. I think I had some choice words. I won't repeat those. I know they were quiet, though! (Not so quiet that PJ couldn't hear!) I do remember saying something like, "I can't believe you would yell at the kids that loud and embarrass me like that! They are outside! They have company! I am the school secretary and they are on the school board! People are probably going to start talking about me!!!!"

Now. I am just cracking up about this today. But at the time, it made perfect sense to get that upset. First of all, PJ isn't abusive or anything. But yeah...he's a yeller. Not the most patient guy in the world. But neither am I! I am not about to start calling the kettle black!!! There really is no reason whatsoever for me to get that upset. Except the fact that...he knows it bugs me. We have had the conversation more than once about yelling at the kids outside. I guess I just felt like maybe he didn't care how I felt about it, so he did it anyway. Who knows. All I know is that I was mad. He was mad. And I drove off in my van and told him to call me when he was ready to be picked up.

Could it be...by chance....maybe....

We are stressed?!?! Maybe our fuses are little shorter than normal? We may just be a little more short-tempered right now. Due to stress. Lack of sleep.

Sooooo, the negative HAS gotten to me, hasn't it?

Today, I am just thinking about how every time we think we have something conquered, we seem to get a gentle reminder. I will continue to think positive thoughts and see the good in everything. Look for the silver lining. BUT. I do want to watch myself. I don't want my words to be empty. I want to mean what I say. Walk the walk. Practice what I preach!

Until next time....LOWER YOUR VOICE!!!!!!! (Ha, ha, ha!!!)

The Fire Diaries: Part 2...Inside out and upside down

Well. To say the very, very least, I feel out of sorts. To state that uprooting your family from their home and sticking them in a small apartment is inconvenient is the understatement of the year. Yet, I STILL feel so ungrateful for complaining about anything when it comes to our house fire. I feel as if complaining about how inconvenient everything has been seems as if I am ungrateful for what I DO have. Food in our bellies. Roof over our head. Warmth. Shelter. Everything we NEED. Its just that the line between WANT and NEED is so very, very fine. Sometimes I don't know where that line is. Its invisible or something. "I NEED new shoes. I NEED a new purse. I NEED to get my hair done." I could go on. And on.

But really. I just NEED to vent! This apartment is driving me nuts! Its small, yes. But oh my gosh. Its not the cleanest thing in the world. The kids' feet were dirty and I realized its the carpet. Wow. That's just gross. There are 4. Yes, 4. 4 washcloths. 6 towels. The sheets keep slipping off of the mattress. (Ewww.) And I am not sleeping worth a crap. The bed is not comfortable. I wake up so tired still from the night before that I don't know what I am doing. What do I mean? Let me tell you....

Last night, I went to take off my bra to get my jammies on. I could NOT find the hook. What in the world? Why can't I get my bra OFF? As I am wrestling with myself and twisting my arms in ways behind my back that I didn't know was possible, I cannot figure out why I can't unhook my bra. Then it came to me. My bra was on inside out. The hooks were on the inside and I could not figure out how to unhook them. Now, don't ask me HOW I got it on in the first place. I have no idea. But, I do know this: I am NOT myself right now. Not my schedule. My routine. Its ALL off! Who knows if anyone could see my bra tag through my white blouse. Maybe! Oh well...They probably got to see my generic Fruit of the Loom bra that I had to buy at Walmart the other day to give myself a few extras while I was rewashing ALL of my other underclothes!

Point is...life just kind of FEELS inside out. Or upside down. Something. Not our "norm." I wish I could be a little more laid back about it and not notice my little inconveniences. But the truth is, its hard to be uprooted from your home with your family regardless of how lucky you are that it wasn't worse! It does put some interesting things into perspective for me, though. I have thought a lot about other fire victims, (what I would consider "real fire" victims!) flood victims, even those affected by Katrina. I still praise God each day that things weren't worse.

But....I am allowing myself to acknowledge that this whole mess has been difficult. Its o.k. to be a little out of sorts. Its o.k. that I don't have it 100% together right now. I am realizing that the important thing for me to focus on is PROGRESS. I don't have to guilt myself into making this "not a big deal." But I also don't have to focus on all of the inconveniences, either.

Until next time...just forward!

The Fire Diaries: Part 1

I can't believe it has taken me this long to actually sit down to blog about our recent drama. If you know me AT ALL, you know that I feel compelled to purge any significant, or insignificant information almost as soon as it happens! I ramble on and on about the most mundane topics, yet, I can't seem to find the words to even describe our most recent events. Its only now, that our little two-bedroom apartment we are calling home is empty, that I even feel like trying. Since I know my rarely read blog is more for my own therapy than the entertainment of others, I really feel like I need to get it all off of my chest, so to speak. So, I guess, here goes....

Last week, (and I don't think I even know the day....maybe Tuesday?) our house caught on fire. If you have already heard the story, this may get boring. But, like I said before, its really more for me! (And the sake of just documenting it for future reference!) On Sunday, my sister and I decided that my Grandma Shaw was past due for a visit. We had been trying to make time to see her separately and failed, so we thought if we planned it together we would actually follow through this time. We were going to see Grandma at the nursing home on Tuesday, after the kids and I got out of school. That day, I talked to my sister a couple of times on the phone and mentioned that if, by chance, she ended up running a little early, she could just meet me at the school. Since our school is right off of the exit, she wouldn't have to drive very far into town and I didn't mind bringing her back when we finished. But, this was kind of funny in itself. She NEVER runs early. We even chuckled a little when we said that, knowing the chances were slim to none that she would even be on time! But, to our surprise, she did run early! In fact, I even asked my principal if I could cut out about 15 minutes early to head on over to the nursing home since we had just found out that Grandma eats dinner at 5:00 in the dining room. I hated to spend the entire time just watching her eat! Of course, my understanding principal agreed to the 15 minutes and the plan was taking shape. Now we were leaving at 3:15 and heading to Grandma's.

When my sister arrived, we were spot on with our timing. Kids were with us and we were in the car a little past 3:15. And then the story took the turn that probably made the difference between my house still standing and being completely burnt to the ground. Lisa asked to stop and get the last Twilight book from me! She had read all of the others and was ready to end her series with "Breaking Dawn." Since we were doing so great on time and I hated to forget on the way back, I agreed to run into the house and get the book. The kids and my sister were not even coming into the house.

When I arrived home, Lisa noticed smoke coming off of our roof. I don't remember noticing that. All I remember is pushing the garage door opener and smoke coming out as the door raised. I can't describe my feelings other than saying exactly what kept going through my mind. "What the....What in the world? What the....." I walked over to the door that entered the house and put my hand on it to see if it was hot. When the door felt normal, I felt safe to open the door. So much smoke. I couldn't see a thing. There was no way in the world I was going to risk entering my house when I could barely see. I turned around and told my sister to call 911. At that point, I was worried that if it was something minor, I would waste the time of the firefighters and feel silly for calling. But how in the world would I know if I was too scared to go look???

I guess this was one of those times that I would just have to trust my instinct. And my instinct told me to leave it to the pros! By nature, I am a chicken, anyway. I wear my seat-belt. Don't really speed. Wear my life-jacket in a boat. Is that nerdy? I'm a safety girl. I don't want to do anything that could potentially cause me any type of pain whatsoever! Entering my burning house included.

When all 5 firetrucks arrived along with the ambulance, I think the reality started to sink in. My house was on fire. There is no way to ever, ever expect something like this. It comes out of nowhere. When I woke up that morning, I had my day planned and it looked NOTHING like how it turned out. Shortly after the firemen arrived, they came out and took axes back in. My sister looked as frightened as I did and said, "They just took axes into your house." I was so nervous. And then....

Then my neighbors came over. I barely know them. I have met them all of maybe 2 times in my 3 years of living in the house. They came to see if I wanted the kids to come over to their house to play instead of being right there in front of everything. I had not even thought about how scary it must have been for them. My mind was in task mode and had not allowed me to get emotional until the dreaded axes were taken in to the house! So, the kids left, which was a great idea. And then....

PJ came walking through the yard. He had made it home from Fishers in a very short time. He probably should not repeat how quickly he drove home. But he was here now and I knew things would be ok. And then....

My principal, who I had called at one point, showed up. I guess in the midst of all of it, I was worried about missing work the next day and felt terrible that I would have to call in. I kept thinking that maybe if I tell them early, they can find someone to work for me. So, he shows up to check on us. And then....

My mother in law, who PJ had called, came. For the past several years, she had directed Disaster Services and has seen hundreds of homes on fire. Never in a million years had she thought she would come to the fire scene of her own son's house burning. But, she was there. And for some reason, this completely comforted me.

I guess seeing those that care come to your rescue is some sort of medicine or something. Because, truly, I felt completely encouraged and strengthened by our visitors. My sister at my side. My neighbors with my kids. My mother in law right there with us. My boss, even! Later that night, I was surrounded in love by my other two siblings and my sister in law and father in law as well. Words just can't describe how much that means to me.

That night as I went to bed in our hotel, I realized something. I learned a lesson during my own drama that I couldn't have ever learned had this not all happened. From now on, I want to be that person. The "doer." The one who actually shows up in a time of crisis. I look back on my life and yes...I try to be a good person. But, I wouldn't consider myself to be the person who is right there in a time of need. I want to be better at that. I often have good intentions, but I rarely follow through.

Over the next couple of days, more "doers" appeared. My sister in law showed up and took the kids the next day. I had countless people offer to help with the kids on other days, someone showed up at our house with clothes for our kids and one family put together a basket of toys. And it continues...

To end "Part 1" of my series, let me just say this. Our damage was minimal in comparison to other house fires. I am overwhelmed by the love shown by people I never expected to surface in a time of crisis. And most importantly, this will be a defining moment in my life, I am sure. Stay tuned for more insight. I feel like the lessons learned are invaluable. Impossible to describe...but I won't stop trying!

OMG, Mom...We forgot our flip flops!

"What are we gonna do? I'm NOT wearing boots down there with my bathing suit. And I didn't even bring my cover up thingy."

The poor eight, almost nine year old's embarrassment was almost comical, except you almost felt sorry for her. This just an excerpt from my day today at the Abe Martin Lodge in Brown County.

For some reason, I had the urge to get the heck out of Dodge and go away over Christmas break, even if only for one night. What are you going to do in Indiana, 15 degrees, very small budget, with a family of four? I guess you do something you know works. Go somewhere you have enjoyed before that doesn't break the bank and still scores major points with the kids. The lodge fit the bill. With an indoor water park that is PERFECT for our kids' age groups, this place is perfect.

Now, I have blogged in the past about my unrealistic expectations I put on myself when it comes to "mothering." I have truly been trying to chill out! Stop taking everything so seriously. Don't be so hard on myself. Actually ENJOY the vacations, parties, what have you, instead of being SO rigid.

So I tried it this time. Hell, I didn't even pack until today! Yeah, I was being all last minute, not plannin', just waiting till today to get stuff ready. I'm laid back like that, now, ya know?

Check in time was 1:00. I thought it was 3:00. We didn't leave our house until 12:00. Right there, I was starting to get a bit irritated.

THEN, after checking in and getting into our room, we begin to change into swimsuits only to realize NONE of us had any shoes to walk down to the pool area in. Let me just paint the picture for you of the the water park. Wet. People everywhere. You are NOT going to want to wear big clunky shoes down there. They will get soaked and where are you even going to put them?

Imagine my further horror as I look down to see my naked feet and realize I have "whore toes." You may not know what that means, so let me clarify. A very good friend shared this offensive, yet hilarious term with me a couple summers back. You have "whore toes" if you have let your toenail polish start coming off and have not either A. removed said polish for a natural look or B. repainted the toes so the polish is NOT half on and half off. No offense to the whores....its just a term. (And before anyone gives me any crap, no...my daughter is not aware of this term.)

No flip flops. Whore toes.

We are going to have to go down to the pool barefoot. EWWWWW!!!!! I am a self proclaimed germ-a-phobe. This kills me. But what is worse? Wearing New Balance hikers with a flow-y black cover up? (At least I brought that.) Or poor Indi with tall black boots on with a swimsuit?

And my whore toes...not even cute bare feet walking around on that hotel hallway.

Against my better judgment, we went sans shoes. Once we entered the pool area, I'm sure no one noticed. But then I lost my index finger's fake nail. I just looked a mess. I dropped the fingernail in a plant, not knowing what else to do with it since I didn't see a trash can around. And now, tonight, as I lie here still awake as my family snores away, I am just cracking up inside.

Oh, how we change. And for the better. I know this all sounds so minor, but seriously. I would have been just MORTIFIED had this happened a few years back. Sometimes I scare myself with how W.T. we have become. (W.T.= white trash, another offensive term I probably should not be using, but can't find another phrase that better describes what I am saying.) I see these perfect little families sometimes with their perfectly ironed clothes and immaculate little hairstyles. I know how much work it takes to have everyone looking like that, and I honestly do NOT miss those days. Yep, I had some whore toes tonight. Indira's hair was stringy because she really likes to wear it down. And my fake fingernail is in a flower pot. And today...was a really good day.

Everyone is sleeping, worn out from swimming. Tomorrow morning we will do it all again. Only we have to check out at 11:00, so we will have to put our clothes on in the lobby restroom after we are finished. After all, we want to keep swimming after check out! Ha, ha! That's kinda redneck-ish, too, isn't it! Who cares!

Good night, all!

Year In Review...(Part 2)

I guess before I get too depressed about being in the same place as I was last year at this time, I should probably really think about it. Has anything really changed from last year? I would love to list all sorts of ways I have improved my own life, or shoot...even others. Wouldn't that be an encouragement? It would be great if I had a bunch of positive things I had done to look back on. But I don't think I will ever be able to look back on a year and NOT wish I had been a better Mom, wife, friend. I always know that I can do better.

So...nope. I can't really say I did anything too outstanding over the last year that would be worthy of bragging about in my little, rarely read blog!

Now. If you want to talk about events. Milestones. Defining moments. 2009 was full of them! We'll talk about the hardest stuff first.

2009 was a year of losing loved ones for us. Not only did we lose a special Aunt that I dearly loved and my sweet Grandpa, we also lost a great friend to cancer. It was Funerals in the Fall for me. Again. I don't know why I always lose people I love in the Fall. We lost BOTH of our babies in the Fall. My nephew, Russ, was killed in a car accident in the Fall. And then this last Fall. My Aunt, Grandpa, and our good friend, Scott. When I think of the season of Fall, I immediately think of Ecclesiastes 3. "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven; a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot..." Fall '09 was a difficult SEASON for us.

It's honestly hard to even think about anything else that happened in '09. I guess I should mention that right, smack, dab in the middle of ALL of that (all three loved ones passed away within a few weeks of each other) I went back to work. Full time. I had not worked full time in 8 years. And of course this opportunity came up RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE of all of it. The timing couldn't have been worse.

We also purchased a rental house this year. It was in desperate need of repairs before renting it out, so our Spring last year was spent working on that. I think I could blog for days on that experience. Stressful. Rewarding. Exhausting.

Drew started Kindergarten. Got glasses. Indira grew taller. And sweeter. And moodier. And prettier. And mouthier. Drew learned to lie to make a story sound a little more interesting. (Nipped that in the bud.) Indira learned about fractions. Drew learned to read. And they both still argue to ride the bus to school when I am going to the exact same place to work as the Secretary! The more things change, the more they stay the same, I guess.

It was a year. Full of ups and downs. Went by WAY to quickly. I guess I should start thinking of my goals for '10. Lose weight? Always. Be more organized? Wonder how many times that has made it to the list of resolutions. Let's not forget...be a better Mom, wife, friend....I could go on and on!

Year In Review...(Part 1)

Well, I lied a little when I started my blog. I said that I would be blogging about Faith, Family or my fight with Fat and even promised to have one of the three subjects in the title. I guess you just let this whole blogging thing evolve and do what works.

I am tempted to change the name of my blog, since I have often veered from said topics, but really...everything I talk about probably fits into one of those somehow. The only big thing that has changed has been my desire to discuss different views when it comes to faith. I guess that happened once or twice. But I don't think people like to talk about their faith. I mean, they do if you aren't challenging them on why they believe what they believe. But if you even THINK about questioning anything you have been taught at church, most Christians run the other direction. I am a little annoyed by that. I mean, I am truly not TRYING to make someone change their mind. I am trying to understand. I question because I want to learn. I challenge because I want to think for myself and not be led BLINDLY like so many are. I think people are just offended when they think you are challenging them. It was NEVER meant to offend. I did appreciate the one person who chose to participate in one conversation...I was pleasantly surprised at how open I was to his opinion.

But I digress. I thought a blog would be a great forum for me to gain some insight. Didn't turn out to be. It actually ended up being some strange form of therapy for me, which I have stated in the past, has proven to be loads cheaper than retail therapy. So I'll take it.

About FAMILY, I did enjoy sharing a few stories this year about my crazy kids and silly husband. I never cease to be amazed at how you can get so frustrated with folks you love so deeply. I didn't even think I was capable of loving like this. Yet, often I am pushed to the point of total insanity by the very same individuals. Screwy.

My fight with fat. Oh...well...crap. I didn't just lose. I was knocked out in the first round. I don't know what the heck happened. I really thought that if I blogged about it, I would have some sort of accountability. In turn, I would surely celebrate success. Not so much. In fact, I gained weight this year. Had I only actually started losing when my blog began, I would be at goal weight by now.

Coulda-Woulda-Shoulda.

I know better than to go down that road. I can guilt myself into a deep depression faster than you can say FAT GIRL. I can't go there. Only forward.

So. Here we are. Entering 2010. Still on my journey with God. (Grateful every day for that relationship.) Still learning how to be a parent. (I suppose I will have that figured out by the time they graduate.) And still fat. (Unfortunately.)

What HAS changed?

I Have Decided....

"I'm gonna live like a believer, turn my back on the deceiver...."

Yeah. No. That's not where I am going. Although that old school Amy Grant song HAS entered my mind several times as I have been lying in bed over the past couple of days, sick as a dog. Maybe it was Divine intervention that it WAS playing in my mind...to somehow pull me out of my negative funk.

But what I REALLY have been thinking about is something very different.

"I Have Decided..." Just a few things that come to your mind as a Mom when you are sick and watching your house go to Hell in a handbasket:

1. Your husband, partner, significant other, whatever....may TELL you that they can handle everything, but they can't. Things will slip through the cracks.

2. No laundry, not a sock, will get done for the duration of your illness.

3. You won't have full groceries until you are well. There will be quick trips for 7-up and chicken noodle soup. Your "other" won't think to go ahead and pick up milk. His mind is on what you need. And you don't need milk.

4. Its hard to be home with kids who are out of school when you are sick. See the next epiphany...

5. Your children really don't care that you are sick.

6. Everyone does not recognize the value of NOT procrastinating and therefore may not clean out folders until the morning....as the kids are running out the door.

7. Kids (at least my kids) really are more unruly when left to too many decisions to make in the morning. Hence, the laying out of clothes early.

8. Hearing chaos and bickering is not conducive to rest, even when the door is shut.

9. You can look a little psycho when flinging said door open to shout (more chaos!)at everyone to stop yelling!

10. Yelling at yellers is counterproductive.

11. Nothing really bad happens when kids wear their socks two days in a row because no one made sure they changed them.

12. Teachers are pretty understanding and probably won't fail your child if something is forgotten while you are sick!

13. No one (that I am aware of) has ever died from forgetting gloves, not brushing their teeth ONE night, having Pepsi for lunch because you are out of milk, or any other minor infractions that I place entirely too much importance on.

14. All of this seems really silly to complain that someone doesn't do something "right" just because its not done your way.

15. It doesn't matter how much you love someone, you still aren't going to do things exactly the same.

16. My blog about how bad everything has gone is suddenly making me feel very guilty.

17. My hubby loves our kids and tries his best. Even if I think he should be finding shoes and jackets the night before instead of facebooking. Keyword.."think"...that's my opinion. He has his own opinions...

18. I'm grateful I have two kids who love me and a hubby who wants me well. Even if part of the reason is to take back some of the things I always do!

So let me check my swollen tonsils once again for craters you can swim in....take another couple of ibuprofen....take my temp and pray to see anything less than 102... and suck it up. There's laundry to do and it ain't getting done on its own! Ha!

Everyone wash their hands and have a glass of OJ!

Part Two: The Strange Smell of Formaldehyde and Nursing Homes....

Well, as promised, here is the second entry from our emotional week of funerals. I should actually change the title to "The Strange Smell of Formaldehyde, Nursing Homes and Funeral Flowers." I don't know why flowers smell different in a funeral home than they do in your yard or in a vase on your kitchen table. I guess that's another blog.

As strange as it may seem to blog about doing my Aunt Sue's hair, I feel like I need to purge the details since so many of my friends and family have asked how it went and what it was like. Of course I mean no disrespect at all by writing about the experience, even though, at times it was almost comical. If you knew my Aunt Sue at all, you would know that it was certainly appropriate that the whole thing was even funny at times.

I have already said that I did not hesitate to agree to the favor. My Mom mentioned it first and I believe said something to my cousin, Jimmy. When he asked, I had already given it some thought and decided I would definitely do it. I did say, however, that I knew I couldn't go in there (wherever "there" was...) alone. I just said that I knew someone would have to go with me! I had doubted it would be my husband, since he had to be available to take care of the kids for me. I knew my Mom would not be in any condition to go with me. So I just said, "As long as someone goes with me, I'll be fine."

I have more than one funny uncle. These are the "brothers" of my Mom's. There are four of them and they were blessed with a sense of humor that is second to none. One such brother, Uncle Jeff, sat with me in my Aunt Sue's hospital room towards the end of her life. We were both able to stay with her when it became too difficult for my Mom and my cousins to watch her struggle. He offered, one night, to go with me to do her hair and when the day did come for me to go...I thought he would be the perfect person to take. I needed someone who could keep things lighthearted for me and help me to keep it together. I doubted that I would break down in front of my often hilarious uncle.

Last Saturday, when the funeral director called, I made the arrangements to pick up Uncle Jeff and then head to Hartford City to do what I had promised. When we arrived at the funeral home, I don't think either of us had any idea what to expect. We just walked in, introduced ourselves and the kind director told us to follow him. He asked if I had done hair for someone who had passed before and I told him that I had not. He then asked my Uncle Jeff if he had done anything like that before and he said, "No," as well.

We followed him into a garage of this large, amazing house that I would give my right arm to live in. In the garage I spotted a gurney-type thing and I panicked. Surely he isn't going to just roll my Aunt Sue out here to the garage with that big door open and everything. What will people do as they drive by? Peer out their car windows and catch a glimpse of me styling a dead person's hair? But we kept walking to another door off of the garage and I felt a little better. Not going to happen in the garage. Thank, God!

Now...I don't know what I was thinking. But for some reason, I had it in my mind that this whole thing would go down down in a beautifully lit room, with "funeral home chic" decor and soft music playing in the background. I had visions of my Aunt lying on a satin covered table of some sort, maybe not dressed, but covered beautifully somehow. As I walked toward this door off of the garage, I imagined that beautiful room would be on the other side.

I was wrong.

As we walked in that doorway, it hit me right in the face. The strongest, strangest smell that I quickly identified as formaldehyde. There was no mistake that it was formaldehyde and it didn't exactly creep up on you. Smacked me instantly. The same way the cold air hit me in this refrigerated, very bright white, not necessarily the cleanest, old, cinder-block walled room. Boy did my eyes start wandering! And so did my Uncle Jeff's! We were looking around and taking EVERYTHING in. There were bottles of chemicals lined up on old garage-type shelves. A rolling stool in front of a counter with a faucet and cabinets that I really wanted to open up and look into. It was about 10X10, had no windows, cold and stinky. And there she was. My sweet Aunt Sue just lying there. I couldn't help but think she had to be so cold. Isn't that just about ridiculous! Duh. Of course she is "cold."

But you know...she looked really good. So peaceful. Like she was sleeping. My Uncle commented on how great she looked and I instantly felt at ease. She did look good. And now I wanted to make her look even better.

I was a little nervous at first because the funeral director and my Uncle were kind of just standing there as I started doing her hair. The funniest part was when I was trying to make her bangs lay down around her forehead and couldn't seem to get them to comb down. They just kept popping back up. At one point, I used my flat iron to pull them down and they shot back up again. Uncle Jeff made the funniest face, like what I had just done was NOT working. Plus, I was paranoid that I would get too close to her skin and burn her without knowing it since she obviously wasn't going to pull away or flinch. Finally, I used the old faucet and sink to wet the comb to make it stay down. The funeral director said, "Here...this will help." He started spraying her with a water bottle, which worked. I didn't bring a hair dryer, but he had some ultra powerful little dryer that I used. I wondered what else that thing was used for. It wasn't a typical hair dryer. Wonder what else it dried? Uncle Jeff looked as relieved as I did when our dreaded bangs started to lie down.

After that, I worked quickly and was soon finished. We all agreed that she looked great and I then focused my attention on giving him her clothes and making sure he knew she had little slippers and new underclothes.

The ride home was actually pretty funny. We both laughed at how we had such different expectations on what that room would look like. He had a more sterile, CSI type vision and I had this soap opera, dramatic vision. Boy, were we both wrong. But we survived.

Later, I was thanking God for providing what we need to get through things. I needed my Uncle Jeff that day. He was the perfect person to go with me. Had I taken a sister or even a good friend I think I would have gotten too emotional and maybe not been able to do it. But for some reason (and I think we all know the reason!) Uncle Jeff offered that day and we took care of it.

And the most important thing was that Aunt Sue looked great for her funeral. She would have wanted it that way!

Part One: The Strange Smell of Formaldehyde and Nursing Homes....

Well, there was no way I could possibly get through this weekend without a little blog therapy, which I tend to try first since it is so much better for my bank account than retail therapy. As most everyone knows by now, from a couple of status updates, our family suffered the loss of not one, but two loved ones over the weekend. I have not cried yet, which seems odd. But honestly, I haven't had time. I have written before about how I can see myself "growing up" sometimes, and that really freaks me out. I still feel about 21 sometimes. But after this weekend, I am 100% sure that I am a different person than I was 10 or 15 years ago.

We'll start with a story about my lovely Aunt Sue, who, by the way, I was named after. (Brandi Sue...) She was my Mom's only sister and I have always had a very special place in my heart for her. Since she and my Mom were the only two girls out of six children, they had a bond that was just so special. They tend to be on the receiving end of a whole lot of teasing by four brothers. Never a dull moment at those family get togethers! I grew up looking forward to spending time with all of them and my cousins. When I was around 12, I started asking Aunt Sue if I could do her hair. She even let me cut it! Can you believe that? She must have been crazy. But I did it. And I didn't do a bad job, either. From that day on, occasionally, I would style, cut or even perm her hair over the years. We never lived close to each other, but if she knew we would be seeing each other, she may ask me to bring my scissors and a curling iron. I never, ever minded doing her hair. In fact, I loved it. She always said, "Oh, that's real pretty. Yes, yes. That's just real pretty." That eventually turned into, "Oh yes, yes. No one else does my hair like you do!" Now, if that isn't just the nicest thing to hear. Her compliments were so sincere and encouraging. Now, I will admit, she was extremely easy to please. And I really don't think I did anything any different than anyone else. But when you are 12....it was a big deal!

Last Friday, Aunt Sue passed away. She was in the hospital for a little over a week, fighting a pretty painful infection. She wasn't strong enough for surgery, so we knew that it was pretty much a waiting game unless there was a miracle. I don't blame God for wanting to bring her home....I would want her with me, too. She was an amazing lady who loved everyone! Incredibly loyal to her family and always willing to share anything she had.

When my cousin, her son, asked me to do her hair for the funeral, I didn't even hesitate. Although I had never done anything like that before, in fact...I am really pretty wimpy when it comes to things like that...I still didn't even hesitate. I thought, "There is no way I am letting some stranger do her hair. They would have no idea how she liked it." So that was it. I would definitely do it. On Saturday, the funeral director called me to let me know I could come at 2:00 pm to bring her outfit and do her hair.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. I was. And the details of the actual process will have to come in a later blog. My posts are long enough, so I won't bore you in this particular entry. But I will say that it was an experience I won't forget. I don't think I ever knew what formaldehyde smelled like. Until now. And the whole process was completely different than I expected. I knew it would be emotional. I did not expect to feel so good afterwards. Don't get me wrong.... I would much rather her still be alive and laughing with me. But I am so glad that I did her hair. I think she would have wanted me to, for one. And also, I kept thinking the whole time about how I wanted to make her look as pretty as I could. And she did look pretty. She looked just like she did about 10 years ago, before her health started failing.

I guess to go back to how we just change as we grow older.....there is no way I would have been brave enough to do that 10 years ago. I'm so grateful that our lives evolve over time and allow us to experience so many things. This is definitely one of those experiences that I won't forget.

Tune in soon to read more about our emotional weekend. Surprisingly, its not a story of sadness and gloom. More like encouragement and gratefulness!

Family: 9-11....Where Were You?

I have such a different memory of 9-11 than most people. I mean, I know we all have different stories about where we were when disaster struck, how you heard about it, how you felt. Our story is very different.

On 9-11-01, PJ and I were in Aqtobe, Kazakhstan. It was the day that we met our little Indira for the first time. Up until then, we had only seen video. On that day, we met her in person. During our first of twice daily visits that went on for the week, a very sweet and loving caregiver brought her to us. That room, the smells, the light peeking in the lace curtains, the rug on the floor, the sound of the footsteps up the stairs and the door creaking open. I remember it all so vividly. Like it was yesterday.

During the first visit, Indira's eyes...big and brown and beautifully almond shaped...never left ours. She looked at us as if she knew who we were and why we were there. She was 7 months old. Coughing. Sick. (All three of the babies that we traveled with were!) Small for her age. Adorable. That visit was amazing and I can't help but almost cry when I think about it.

When we left the orphanage that day from our morning visit, we were on a high that was unexplainable. Until our drivers started trying desperately to tell us of the events back home. But....thanks to the dreaded language barrier, they couldn't communicate what had happened. I think the most we got out of the broken English was, "New York city....Boom, Boom!"

During lunch, our coordinator received a phone call and turned a t.v. to CNN. Although it was in Russian, we knew what was happening. A translator was relaying most of the information as we sat in that little living room and cried. One family that we traveled with was even from the D.C. area. Their older daughter was still at home with her grandparents. I can't imagine the fear they must have felt.

I remember hearing the dreaded words, "Muslim extremist." Then I remember realizing we were in a Muslim country. I would be lying if I said I was not scared. I was. I heard of the US Embassy closing in almost every country, including Kazakhstan. I heard of all international flights being canceled. Who wants to be in another country with no embassy open and no international flights at the start of a war? We cried. Out of fear. Out of sadness for what had happened. We just cried.

I am happy to say that I learned a valuable lesson that day/week. I realized that not all Muslims are 'bad'....just those who terrorized our country. Christians have their share of extremists that advocate violence and I would like to think that not all Christians are 'bad.' (I can provide another blog to discuss violent Christians!) It seems like such a simple lesson, and yet I still see people cringe when you speak the word "Muslim." That is so sad to me.

During that week, we were assured that we were safe. And, surprisingly enough, we felt safe. The local police, who knew there were Americans in town even stopped by the apartment to check on us and express their sadness at what had happened. When the U.S. Embassy in Kazakhstan opened back up in Almaty, we went to continue with our paperwork to complete our adoption. There were flowers everywhere. Lining the sidewalks up to the door. Beautiful and so sad.

That day was so amazing to me and such a defining moment in so many ways. It definitely contributes to the process of growing as a person. I have sadness for those who died on 9-11, but I also have an unexplainable happiness.

Such a strange feeling....even after this many words, I still don't think I am able to really verbalize my feelings. Tonight I am going to bed grateful for a daughter that I love dearly and will never take for granted! I know what we went through to get her. I know how happy she has made me and I love celebrating this day with her!

Family: Back To School!

Wow. I don’t even know where to start. This was certainly a milestone for us. Both kids are now in school. Indira started third grade and Drew started Kindergarten. To say that it has been emotional is the understatement of the year.

Let me start by saying that I can get a bit neurotic when it comes to planning. Anything. Vacations. Parties. Christmas. Anything. You can imagine how ridiculous my summer has been planning for the first day of school for Drew, and Indira for that matter. I still, even though she is in third grade, get super organized when it comes to getting ready for school. I am a list-maker, which means that at any given moment this summer, I could whip out a list of what we had already bought and what we still needed in terms of school clothes and supplies. I’m a planner. Can’t help it. If I have learned anything throughout this experience, its that sometimes it really doesn’t matter how much you THINK you have it together. Things just don’t always go as smoothly as you had hoped. (And you really DON’T have it together, at all!)

We’ll just start with the letter I received from the school on the Friday before school started. It was from the nurse and she pointed out that Drew was missing some of his immunizations that are required for the Kindergarten year. Now, I just KNEW that this was a mistake. How could I have failed to make sure he had his immunizations? After all, it was just a few months ago that we got the shots in question. I remember distinctly being in the Doctor’s office and thinking to myself, “Well, he is 5, so this should do it for awhile.” I must have given the school the wrong copy of his records when we registered at Kindergarten Round Up back in April. So, I thought I would just head over to the Doctor’s office and request an updated copy so I could give it to the school. Case closed. When I popped into the office and spoke to the receptionist, I explained the misunderstanding and kindly asked if she could just re-print his records so I could show we were up to date on everything. She looked at the screen, and to my horror….said, “He isn’t up to date. He needs DTAP, MMR and the Chicken Pox booster.” I guess it had been almost a year since the shots I THOUGHT were the right ones! (I guess time does fly…I could have sworn it was just a few months ago!) Now, I realize for most people, this wouldn’t be THAT big of a deal. But I was just mortified. How could I let this happen? At this point, we are just days from starting school and I am just embarrassed that we are behind on shots. I don’t have any idea what I was thinking, but somehow I dropped the ball on this one. How, I do not know. So after all was said and done, we had to make an upcoming appointment for the following Friday to get our shots. Let’s hope the school is okay with that. I think mostly, I just feel a little embarrassed. I am a stay at home Mom, for crying out loud! I don’t have a 40+ hour a week job to distract me! This IS my job!

Fast forward to the day that school started. Friday, the 14th of August. Everything went great that day, (for the kids.) PJ took a vacation day so that we could take them together and they looked so cute. Indira is getting so big and can’t have her picture taken without striking a Paris Hilton-esque pose. She has no idea who that is, but seriously…she has that look down. Hand on the hip and all! I’m not quite sure how I feel about that either. She is getting prettier and prettier and losing that “little girl” look. This school year, she will turn 9. Drew was a little nervous. He was excited, but nervous. Thank goodness he didn’t get upset or anything when we walked him to his classroom. He did just great!

After leaving the school and crying a little, PJ and I decided we would take the day to relax and shop, eat lunch, anything that can normally be frustrating to do with kids! Other than feeling very, very sick to my stomach that afternoon from either lunch or nerves, (or both) the day went rather smoothly. I was upset at the fact I didn’t feel well at first. But then I realized that while I will probably remember the fact that my Kindergartner didn’t have his immunizations up to date and I was feeling very sick on the first day of school, Drew probably won’t.

I don’t know why I put this unrealistic pressure to be perfect on myself when it comes to my family. But I do. The truth is, I will make mistakes. Lots more of them. So I don’t really know why I am so hard on myself EVERY time it happens! Hopefully, my kids are not going to remember that they started Kindergarten without their shots….or that I am always behind with the dentist appointments, (which reminds me….) or….(I won’t go on, you already know that I space stuff!)

So here we are a week later and our Doctor’s appointment is today. The first week of school went really well. The kids BEGGED to buy their lunch today. I don’t know why. I thought everyone hated school lunches? But, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to do that sometimes. It certainly gave me a little unexpected break from the chaos of packing lunches this morning! The dreaded shots are this afternoon at 3:30. I still feel guilty…but I think I may just have to get over it!

Until next time….LIGHTEN UP, ALREADY!

Family: 16 Years And Counting.....

Wow. 16 years. I can hardly believe we have been married that long. Although, sometimes it feels as if we have just always been married. I can't really imagine my life without PJ. Its funny how your mind goes back and forth like that. It seems like yesterday, but it seems like forever.

I can't say that it has always been perfect. In fact, if you had asked me 10 years ago if I thought we would stay married, I would have said "No." The truth is, we have had our issues like every other couple. Ups and downs. Over the last 16 years, we have each gone through our share of selfish times. But somehow, it always seemed to work itself out.

I can't blog about my marriage without bringing up our most treasured and yet so traumatic part, which was trying to start a family. I often wonder what it is like to sit down with your spouse and say, "So do we want to start trying?" And then let the miracle of life begin the most awesome journey, which is parenthood. It wasn't that easy for us. And I still, to this day, wonder why it wasn't, but that's another post. We seemed to do everything the best way we knew how. Although neither of us made the right decisions about college, we were responsible. We both had solid, decent paying jobs. We were married for 5 years before having that conversation that I spoke of. We had bought our first house. (Cutest, 3 bedroom ranch ever!) We were solid in our relationship. It was as perfect as it could be.

I didn't have any trouble getting pregnant. In fact, I think we only "tried" (that term always cracks me up! I'm so immature!) for a few months before the dramatic peeing on a stick! We were happy. Very happy. At this point in our marriage, we couldn't have asked for things to be more perfect! Cute house, great jobs, married 5 years and pregnant! Life was so good.

Until an ultrasound at about 3 months in that showed some problems. We were having a girl and she was showing signs of infection and edema (fluid) around her heart and brain. I was just mortified. This couldn't be happening.

I gave birth to Hope Elizabeth early and she was stillborn. While in labor, I was still hoping for a miracle, which helped me to deliver. There were several doctors and nurses there, ready to tend to her had she made it. When she didn't, they all just filed out of my room and there we were. Confused and crying.

The doctors did not know the reason for our little Hope's health problems. The kept saying it was likely a fluke and should never happen again. At 25, I was burying my baby and picking a cemetery. That was probably when our problems as a couple really started. We loved each other, but there was this hurt that was just too much to bear sometimes.

Over the next few years, we had talked about trying again. All the while, struggling to stay married. I think we just started growing apart. In 2000, we weren't stable in our marriage. We still put on a pretty good show for those around us. I don't think our families even knew we were having problems. Maybe still very protective of each other, after all, we did still love each other deeply. We just didn't understand how to cope at that point. I ended up pregnant again. We were so hopeful this time. The doctors, remember, had said it shouldn't happen again, right?

A couple of months in and there the problems were again! Fluid. Worse this time than last. We kept going for ultrasounds hoping that it would go away and it didn't. They ended up having to induce labor and Faith Ann was born. Another private funeral. Another little casket. This time, it was just too much.

I honestly do not know how or why we stayed married, except that we were both so protective of each other after everything, that we couldn't imagine hurting the other one and actually leaving. I realize now why it was so hard, but that's 10 years later that you figure it out! We honestly could not look at each other without an association to pain and hurt. Talk about growing apart. I think we were just roommates for a while there.

Closure finally came for us. We received a very unexpected phone call one day that shed some light on our babies' health problems. PJ and I both carry a recessive gene with problems. Our babies had MPS Type 7. A genetic disorder. Evidently, out of all the genes in our bodies, there is a one in several thousand chance to carry this problem gene. PJ and I both do. Had we tried to have children with anyone else, there wouldn't have been a problem. Only the two of us together. Now if that doesn't mess with your head just a little, I don't know what does. I think it was natural to feel like we just weren't meant to be together. After more and more problems, I really don't know how we stayed together.

Until...

I don't know. Until I finally realized that I loved this person more than I loved myself. Until I realized that no matter what ever happened, I could NEVER, even in our worst times, I still could never imagine my life without PJ. No matter how many times I said I wanted to leave when things were at their worst, deep down I knew I never could have actually gone through with it. I think I knew in my heart that our problems were temporary and we would eventually work them out.

I'd love to say that things were back to good before adopting our two children, but in reality, we were still struggling. We were still hurting, but knew we were going to get through it. If I am truly honest, it was only about 5 years ago that we finally let the past problems be the past and moved forward.

So here we are today. Hindsight is sometimes a frustrating thing, especially when you look back at what you could have done to prevent things from happening. You can wish all you want that you wouldn't have suffered loss. That you wouldn't have dealt with the loss the way you did. That you would have tried harder.

Or you can use your hindsight to understand the things that did happen and learn from it. I know, now, why it was so hard for us. After going through some counseling, we learned that couples who suffer the loss of a child together can sometimes only see that loss in each other. We went through that TWICE. Its amazing we made it.

While I hate to imply that all of this defines our marriage, a lot of it does make a huge impact on how we treat each other today. Going through what we went through together makes you just a little more kind to each other, a little more compassionate, a little more appreciative. You realize that if you can get through all of that...you can get through ANYTHING.

So, Happy Anniversary, PJ. Its been quite the rollercoaster. I'm glad we never gave up...here's to many, many more!

Faith: My Sin, Not In Part...But The Whole

Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more
Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord, Oh my soul!

"It Is Well With My Soul" is probably my very favorite song of all time. Whether you are talking about traditional hymns or contemporary Christian music, I think its just one of the best songs ever written. I have this particular song on my mind these days because I have had a lot of trouble sleeping. I don't know why. Its just something that happens. I was staying up late watching t.v. or writing, but that seemed to make me stay up even later. So I started listening to music instead. I don't think its helping a whole lot. I may be getting to sleep about an hour earlier, but I'll take it.

Its been challenging to find the right music to try to fall asleep to, since I tend to actually concentrate on the song and not let myself fully relax. Hence, the deep thoughts about "It Is Well..."

If you have only heard the traditional hymnal version of this song, I encourage you to listen to a couple of different arrangements. First off, the Jars Of Clay version off of the Redemption Songs cd is a fun, upbeat song. It kind of reminds me of a Beatles song. For the record, that whole cd is great. (The reason I originally bought it was for the very last song, "They'll Know We Are Christians By Our Love." That is another post, though.)

By far, the most amazing version for me is by Todd Agnew, though. I realize I am more of a rocker chick when it comes to music, so I am sure its not for everyone. But wow. Turn that song up loud on your ipod and shut your eyes. I dare you to try not to get emotional.

Sometimes I just need to be reminded I think. I mean...I know I do. I can be as frustrated as the next person about people, politics and everything else. (And usually I am on the opposite side of most Christians, so it can be really messy!) But what it boils down to, for me, is that I have this amazing relationship with a loving Creator. I just can't fathom, sometimes, that I am redeemed. My sin, not in part, but the whole. That's just the best line of the whole song for me. I need to remember that. Often.

Its funny how things (conversations, people) pop up in your life from your past that remind you of mistakes you have made. Its easy to start focusing on the regret that you thought you had moved past. Last night I went there. I started on a check list of regrets over the last 10 or 15 years. Little ones. Big ones. Decisions that I have made in the past that I question now. Mistakes that I am glad are tucked away in closests. Conversations that I wish I had, or had not had. People that I let in and out of my life that I shouldn't have.

Words....
Actions.....
Emotions.....

I could go on. (See why I don't sleep?) The reality is that I could sit here and beat myself up over all of it. Believe me, I have went through so many "Had I not _____, then ____ would not have happened." Its endless. Or I can let it go, the way God intended. I don't believe that He meant for us to live our lives in a constant state of regret for not being perfect. Wasn't that the purpose of Christ? To show us all, once and for all, that we are redeemed....forgiven....?

Its funny how we just grow up. Grow in our relationship with God. Grow in our relationships with others. We just grow up. We move past "stuff." We move on. I am glad that I am able to grow from my mistakes. Learn from them. The fact of the matter is that ALL of your experiences make you who you are. Not just the good ones. All of them.

Check out Todd Agnew's version of "It Is Well With My Soul," and enjoy the peace that God gives us through this song.

(By the way, I don't have bones buried in my backyard or anything, so please don't let your mind wander about my "sins" I am talking about! I think EVERYONE has made mistakes. That's all.)