Speaking Of Ultrasounds....

My Drew had to have some tests run yesterday.  I am not worried.  (That won't do anything but make me crazy.)  I truly think everything is fine, but his doctor wanted to just double check a few things.  So away to Radiology we went.  It was interesting...taking a child in to have tests ran.  I thought about some of my friends who have children with health problems and immediately I felt humbled.  For just a standard test, I was nervous.  And again, I really shouldn't have been.  His doctor gave me absolutely no reason whatsoever to be worried.  I am not one to get consumed by worry, either.  I have never thought it productive....going on and on about things you 1. have no control over and 2. may not even happen.  When this little "test" came along, I tried like crazy to figure out why the room, the ultrasound, the whole thing really, affected me so greatly.

Then I realized that I really don't have the best track record when it comes to ultrasounds.

I have never gotten good news from an ultrasound.

It came over me like a rush of emotion.  I remembered some of the strangest things about my ultrasounds for both of my pregnancies that ended so sadly.  I remembered the doctor's facial expression when he realized something was wrong.  It was so abrupt and so unexpected.  I remembered the second pregnancy.  Going into the office, just knowing for sure that this time was different.  I remember the technician's face when she told me "it happened again."

Good Lord.  Sometimes, I don't know how I am sane.  When I look back at those times in my life and how I tried so hard to push all of the emotion aside, (only to let it resurface later) I don't see how I didn't just give up.

Isn't it funny how different experiences bring out some of the most vivid memories?  And some of those memories, I really thought I had forgotten.

It almost makes me angry.  I mean...here Drew is having this test ran.  I am worried, but trying not to be.  (Again, knowing that worry won't do anything.)  And then, BAM!  A rush of memories I had buried deep in my bank, not wanting to ever withdraw.  That makes me kind of mad!  I am just stubborn enough to be irritated at getting emotional when I don't want to be.

Sometimes, I guess I have to blog my way through learning my lesson.  Throughout Drew's ultrasound and after, as I await the much needed phone call to tell me he is fine, I reflect on what I do know.  I know that I am strong.  I know that I survived a very difficult time in my life, emotionally.  I know that I am more grateful every single day for a husband who "gets me."  I know that my children....

Sigh....

I know that my children have been an instrument, used by God Himself, to teach me more lessons about love than I ever thought were possible.  He certainly makes no mistakes!  I will never have the words to explain what adoption did for ME.  (Not the children we adopted.)

So, praise God for ultrasounds.  And memories that we think we want to forget.  Sometimes those are the most important ones to remember!

(Did I say I was angry earlier?  See!  I just have to blog my way through it!)