Family: 16 Years And Counting.....

Wow. 16 years. I can hardly believe we have been married that long. Although, sometimes it feels as if we have just always been married. I can't really imagine my life without PJ. Its funny how your mind goes back and forth like that. It seems like yesterday, but it seems like forever.

I can't say that it has always been perfect. In fact, if you had asked me 10 years ago if I thought we would stay married, I would have said "No." The truth is, we have had our issues like every other couple. Ups and downs. Over the last 16 years, we have each gone through our share of selfish times. But somehow, it always seemed to work itself out.

I can't blog about my marriage without bringing up our most treasured and yet so traumatic part, which was trying to start a family. I often wonder what it is like to sit down with your spouse and say, "So do we want to start trying?" And then let the miracle of life begin the most awesome journey, which is parenthood. It wasn't that easy for us. And I still, to this day, wonder why it wasn't, but that's another post. We seemed to do everything the best way we knew how. Although neither of us made the right decisions about college, we were responsible. We both had solid, decent paying jobs. We were married for 5 years before having that conversation that I spoke of. We had bought our first house. (Cutest, 3 bedroom ranch ever!) We were solid in our relationship. It was as perfect as it could be.

I didn't have any trouble getting pregnant. In fact, I think we only "tried" (that term always cracks me up! I'm so immature!) for a few months before the dramatic peeing on a stick! We were happy. Very happy. At this point in our marriage, we couldn't have asked for things to be more perfect! Cute house, great jobs, married 5 years and pregnant! Life was so good.

Until an ultrasound at about 3 months in that showed some problems. We were having a girl and she was showing signs of infection and edema (fluid) around her heart and brain. I was just mortified. This couldn't be happening.

I gave birth to Hope Elizabeth early and she was stillborn. While in labor, I was still hoping for a miracle, which helped me to deliver. There were several doctors and nurses there, ready to tend to her had she made it. When she didn't, they all just filed out of my room and there we were. Confused and crying.

The doctors did not know the reason for our little Hope's health problems. The kept saying it was likely a fluke and should never happen again. At 25, I was burying my baby and picking a cemetery. That was probably when our problems as a couple really started. We loved each other, but there was this hurt that was just too much to bear sometimes.

Over the next few years, we had talked about trying again. All the while, struggling to stay married. I think we just started growing apart. In 2000, we weren't stable in our marriage. We still put on a pretty good show for those around us. I don't think our families even knew we were having problems. Maybe still very protective of each other, after all, we did still love each other deeply. We just didn't understand how to cope at that point. I ended up pregnant again. We were so hopeful this time. The doctors, remember, had said it shouldn't happen again, right?

A couple of months in and there the problems were again! Fluid. Worse this time than last. We kept going for ultrasounds hoping that it would go away and it didn't. They ended up having to induce labor and Faith Ann was born. Another private funeral. Another little casket. This time, it was just too much.

I honestly do not know how or why we stayed married, except that we were both so protective of each other after everything, that we couldn't imagine hurting the other one and actually leaving. I realize now why it was so hard, but that's 10 years later that you figure it out! We honestly could not look at each other without an association to pain and hurt. Talk about growing apart. I think we were just roommates for a while there.

Closure finally came for us. We received a very unexpected phone call one day that shed some light on our babies' health problems. PJ and I both carry a recessive gene with problems. Our babies had MPS Type 7. A genetic disorder. Evidently, out of all the genes in our bodies, there is a one in several thousand chance to carry this problem gene. PJ and I both do. Had we tried to have children with anyone else, there wouldn't have been a problem. Only the two of us together. Now if that doesn't mess with your head just a little, I don't know what does. I think it was natural to feel like we just weren't meant to be together. After more and more problems, I really don't know how we stayed together.

Until...

I don't know. Until I finally realized that I loved this person more than I loved myself. Until I realized that no matter what ever happened, I could NEVER, even in our worst times, I still could never imagine my life without PJ. No matter how many times I said I wanted to leave when things were at their worst, deep down I knew I never could have actually gone through with it. I think I knew in my heart that our problems were temporary and we would eventually work them out.

I'd love to say that things were back to good before adopting our two children, but in reality, we were still struggling. We were still hurting, but knew we were going to get through it. If I am truly honest, it was only about 5 years ago that we finally let the past problems be the past and moved forward.

So here we are today. Hindsight is sometimes a frustrating thing, especially when you look back at what you could have done to prevent things from happening. You can wish all you want that you wouldn't have suffered loss. That you wouldn't have dealt with the loss the way you did. That you would have tried harder.

Or you can use your hindsight to understand the things that did happen and learn from it. I know, now, why it was so hard for us. After going through some counseling, we learned that couples who suffer the loss of a child together can sometimes only see that loss in each other. We went through that TWICE. Its amazing we made it.

While I hate to imply that all of this defines our marriage, a lot of it does make a huge impact on how we treat each other today. Going through what we went through together makes you just a little more kind to each other, a little more compassionate, a little more appreciative. You realize that if you can get through all of that...you can get through ANYTHING.

So, Happy Anniversary, PJ. Its been quite the rollercoaster. I'm glad we never gave up...here's to many, many more!

Faith: My Sin, Not In Part...But The Whole

Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more
Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord, Oh my soul!

"It Is Well With My Soul" is probably my very favorite song of all time. Whether you are talking about traditional hymns or contemporary Christian music, I think its just one of the best songs ever written. I have this particular song on my mind these days because I have had a lot of trouble sleeping. I don't know why. Its just something that happens. I was staying up late watching t.v. or writing, but that seemed to make me stay up even later. So I started listening to music instead. I don't think its helping a whole lot. I may be getting to sleep about an hour earlier, but I'll take it.

Its been challenging to find the right music to try to fall asleep to, since I tend to actually concentrate on the song and not let myself fully relax. Hence, the deep thoughts about "It Is Well..."

If you have only heard the traditional hymnal version of this song, I encourage you to listen to a couple of different arrangements. First off, the Jars Of Clay version off of the Redemption Songs cd is a fun, upbeat song. It kind of reminds me of a Beatles song. For the record, that whole cd is great. (The reason I originally bought it was for the very last song, "They'll Know We Are Christians By Our Love." That is another post, though.)

By far, the most amazing version for me is by Todd Agnew, though. I realize I am more of a rocker chick when it comes to music, so I am sure its not for everyone. But wow. Turn that song up loud on your ipod and shut your eyes. I dare you to try not to get emotional.

Sometimes I just need to be reminded I think. I mean...I know I do. I can be as frustrated as the next person about people, politics and everything else. (And usually I am on the opposite side of most Christians, so it can be really messy!) But what it boils down to, for me, is that I have this amazing relationship with a loving Creator. I just can't fathom, sometimes, that I am redeemed. My sin, not in part, but the whole. That's just the best line of the whole song for me. I need to remember that. Often.

Its funny how things (conversations, people) pop up in your life from your past that remind you of mistakes you have made. Its easy to start focusing on the regret that you thought you had moved past. Last night I went there. I started on a check list of regrets over the last 10 or 15 years. Little ones. Big ones. Decisions that I have made in the past that I question now. Mistakes that I am glad are tucked away in closests. Conversations that I wish I had, or had not had. People that I let in and out of my life that I shouldn't have.

Words....
Actions.....
Emotions.....

I could go on. (See why I don't sleep?) The reality is that I could sit here and beat myself up over all of it. Believe me, I have went through so many "Had I not _____, then ____ would not have happened." Its endless. Or I can let it go, the way God intended. I don't believe that He meant for us to live our lives in a constant state of regret for not being perfect. Wasn't that the purpose of Christ? To show us all, once and for all, that we are redeemed....forgiven....?

Its funny how we just grow up. Grow in our relationship with God. Grow in our relationships with others. We just grow up. We move past "stuff." We move on. I am glad that I am able to grow from my mistakes. Learn from them. The fact of the matter is that ALL of your experiences make you who you are. Not just the good ones. All of them.

Check out Todd Agnew's version of "It Is Well With My Soul," and enjoy the peace that God gives us through this song.

(By the way, I don't have bones buried in my backyard or anything, so please don't let your mind wander about my "sins" I am talking about! I think EVERYONE has made mistakes. That's all.)

Fat:: Why is it so tempting?????

The processed crap! Why is it so tasty? Is my palette that screwy that it thinks that a load of chemicals tastes good? I guess so. After years of putting that garbage in, I am going to have a hard time re-training my taste buds, I guess.

I was watching "The Doctors" on CBS yesterday because they were talking about metabolism. A friend and I had just had this conversation about how slowly I lose weight, so she thought I may be interested in hearing what they had to say. Jillian, from Biggest Loser, was the guest and I couldn't believe how easy it truly is to understand healthy eating. She basically said that if it didn't come from the ground or have a mother, don't eat it. Its an easy way to rid yourself of all of the chemicals in your diet. Easy to understand. Not so easy to do.

She went on to say that she wasn't familiar with a Cheeto tree. That kind of cracked me up! I've also heard that if you can't pronounce it, you shouldn't eat it. That makes sense, too. All of it does. Why is it so hard to actually follow through with, then?

I guess the trick is that pesky word we call "MODERATION." I seem to struggle with this. I'm sure that having some Cheetos here and there is probably not a big deal. Its when everything you eat is processed. Jillian explained that it really wreaks havoc on your metabolism, as does artificial sweeteners. Hey there. Now shoot. Do I really have to give up EVERYTHING? Probably not. Just enjoy it all in MODERATION, which is something I don't do.

This week I am trying to focus on eating real food that provides some kind of nutrition, instead of empty calories that screw up my metabolism. Almost 2 years ago, I lost around 15 or so pounds going completely organic and vegetarian. I felt amazing. But with a family, the vegetarian thing was difficult. And during a recession....eating completely organic proved difficult as well. I am wondering what kind of results I will get with limiting the processed junk as I track weight watcher points.

Here's to real food!

Family: Unfamiliar Territory

I have to say, I don't think I could have ever expected the challenges we are facing right now. About a year ago, PJ's father was diagnosed with vascular dementia. It has been quite the roller coaster ride ever since. After much trial and error with different medications, he had become almost like his old self, until recently when we were advised by his doctors that some of the side effects were becoming quite dangerous. So back to square one. Trial and error with different meds again!

One of the problems that his father battles is severe insomnia. This is so frustrating for him. He is tired all of the time and yet he can't sleep. Some days he is walking around almost zombie like, while other days he seems like himself. He also suffers from a few physical complications as well, so keeping up with what we may consider some pretty easy tasks are really difficult for him.

As an adult, I don't think we are ever prepared to watch our parents struggle with their health. Its hard. No matter who you are. Its hard. This person who you have always seen as a strong "grown up" is now shuffling across the room and looking confused. The same person who made you eat your vegetables, now has an almost empty fridge and rarely eats anything nutritious.

Last week we decided that we had to work on his Dad's house. It needs some serious TLC and major repairs. A leaky roof. Mold in the sunroom. A start of a remodel to a bathroom that was never finished. Makeshift curtains that were nailed to trim to cover the windows. I could go on. He doesn't want to move and at this point we can't force him to. (Even though we worry about his safety every day because he is alone.) The only solution is to make the house as nice as we can while he is living there.

Yesterday was PJ's birthday and the only day that we could work it out to start on his Dad's house. The whole family, his brothers, sister and Mom, met to help and celebrate PJ's birthday. It ended up being an amazing day but also kind of emotional. The last few weeks have been very difficult with doctors appointments and insurance drama so when I saw PJ smiling yesterday, I knew we had made the right choice for his birthday plans. His Dad was so happy to be surrounded by his kids and grandkids working on his house. At one point he joked that he felt like Donald Trump. I am pretty sure he was saying that because his house was looking so nice.

A great day, indeed. But certainly unfamiliar territory. This is my father in law I am watching struggle. The same one who didn't want us to get married 15 years ago because he didn't think we were ready. The one that wanted to leave me a gun in one of our first apartments because he knew I would be alone a lot while PJ traveled. (It was really bad neighborhood.) The one who wept with us during the loss of two children. And the one who never treated me differently when PJ and I had our own marital problems that were almost too difficult to work out.

I think the least I can do is help with a bathroom remodel.

Fat:: Turtle Speed

I've been here so many times, I am almost numb to my results. After almost a week of trying to get into Weight Watchers, I have lost one pound. One. Uno. Ein. And it isn't like I don't know why. Unfortunately, I am at that place where I have to do the weight loss thing FULL FORCE. I can't just lazily give up regular soda or cut out the fried foods. I haven't had either in a week. I have to do it all. Track every point that goes into my mouth. Drink loads of water. Cut out a lot of sodium. Don't eat past about 7:00 pm. And all of that will get me a whopping 2 or 3 pound loss.

I guess my metabolism is as slow as a freakin' turtle or something. I don't know. Does it matter? Its my reality, regardless of the reason. I'm not discouraged because I know my body well enough to realize that this is normal for me. I always have a slow start. The problem is when I get discouraged and quit. I really don't want to quit this time!!!!

Today I am not choosing to get discouraged. I am choosing to focus on the fact that last week I hate more healthy foods than I did the week before. I ate less sugar. More fruits and vegetables. I'm going with that. What I did this week was a good start. In order to get the results that I want, I will have to step it up.

It's on. =)

Personal: I've Changed.

Today I went to the cemetery with my sister to visit the grave of my nephew, Russell. Almost two years ago, Russ died from a car accident. Our family spent one week at Methodist Hospital in the trauma unit. That was the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life. I have dealt with loss in the past. That story is another blog post. But this was horrifying. My family spent an entire week at his side. We prayed. We cried. We prayed some more. We cried some more. After losing Russ, I didn't think my life would ever be the same, and I was right. I have changed. There is something deep inside of you that you can't explain after going through something like that.

My family has always been close. We're not really into drama and don't fight amongst ourselves. We love our parents and love to spend time together. When this happened, we couldn't leave each other. And it wasn't just us siblings sticking by my sister, Sherry, who was losing her son. We were ALL together. In-laws. Cousins. My parents. We needed each other and we needed to be with my sister and my other nephew, Josh, who was grieving for his brother. My parents were grieving the loss of a grandson. My other niece and nephews were losing a cousin. My other sister, brother and I were losing a nephew and watching our sister go through something we wouldn't wish on our worst enemy.

The last almost two years have been a healing process for our family. We're closer. A little more patient with each other. A little more forgiving. A lot more grateful for each other. I guess it was one of those times in your life that you can certainly call a defining moment. I don't think I would be the same person without that experience. It still hurts and I still OFTEN wish it had not happened. But I do wonder who I would be if it had not. It is such a huge part of my life that I know it changed me. I know that I don't take life for granted. I know that I don't want to argue with people and I have no room in my life for drama. I am more forgiving and definitely do NOT sweat the small stuff anymore. Its just not worth it.

I don't think I ever REALLY understood the cliche that "life is too short." I do now. It is. I am grateful for every second I have with my kids and I am not silly enough to take it for granted.

Today as I watched my sister I thought about letting my anger sneak in. For a second, I almost went there with the "whys." But there was something so beautiful about her strength that I knew she was getting from God and her amazing husband right at her side, that I just stopped. I just kept saying over and over in my mind, "Thank you, God." For strength. For comfort. For the details. A loving husband for my sister to lean on. A family who loves each other and will support each other. A break in the rain today just as we got to the cemetery.

Yesterday was Russell's birthday. He would have been 23. I'm still sad that I don't get to see him. But I'm also grateful for the 21 years we had with him.