Year In Review...(Part 2)

I guess before I get too depressed about being in the same place as I was last year at this time, I should probably really think about it. Has anything really changed from last year? I would love to list all sorts of ways I have improved my own life, or shoot...even others. Wouldn't that be an encouragement? It would be great if I had a bunch of positive things I had done to look back on. But I don't think I will ever be able to look back on a year and NOT wish I had been a better Mom, wife, friend. I always know that I can do better.

So...nope. I can't really say I did anything too outstanding over the last year that would be worthy of bragging about in my little, rarely read blog!

Now. If you want to talk about events. Milestones. Defining moments. 2009 was full of them! We'll talk about the hardest stuff first.

2009 was a year of losing loved ones for us. Not only did we lose a special Aunt that I dearly loved and my sweet Grandpa, we also lost a great friend to cancer. It was Funerals in the Fall for me. Again. I don't know why I always lose people I love in the Fall. We lost BOTH of our babies in the Fall. My nephew, Russ, was killed in a car accident in the Fall. And then this last Fall. My Aunt, Grandpa, and our good friend, Scott. When I think of the season of Fall, I immediately think of Ecclesiastes 3. "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven; a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot..." Fall '09 was a difficult SEASON for us.

It's honestly hard to even think about anything else that happened in '09. I guess I should mention that right, smack, dab in the middle of ALL of that (all three loved ones passed away within a few weeks of each other) I went back to work. Full time. I had not worked full time in 8 years. And of course this opportunity came up RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE of all of it. The timing couldn't have been worse.

We also purchased a rental house this year. It was in desperate need of repairs before renting it out, so our Spring last year was spent working on that. I think I could blog for days on that experience. Stressful. Rewarding. Exhausting.

Drew started Kindergarten. Got glasses. Indira grew taller. And sweeter. And moodier. And prettier. And mouthier. Drew learned to lie to make a story sound a little more interesting. (Nipped that in the bud.) Indira learned about fractions. Drew learned to read. And they both still argue to ride the bus to school when I am going to the exact same place to work as the Secretary! The more things change, the more they stay the same, I guess.

It was a year. Full of ups and downs. Went by WAY to quickly. I guess I should start thinking of my goals for '10. Lose weight? Always. Be more organized? Wonder how many times that has made it to the list of resolutions. Let's not forget...be a better Mom, wife, friend....I could go on and on!

Year In Review...(Part 1)

Well, I lied a little when I started my blog. I said that I would be blogging about Faith, Family or my fight with Fat and even promised to have one of the three subjects in the title. I guess you just let this whole blogging thing evolve and do what works.

I am tempted to change the name of my blog, since I have often veered from said topics, but really...everything I talk about probably fits into one of those somehow. The only big thing that has changed has been my desire to discuss different views when it comes to faith. I guess that happened once or twice. But I don't think people like to talk about their faith. I mean, they do if you aren't challenging them on why they believe what they believe. But if you even THINK about questioning anything you have been taught at church, most Christians run the other direction. I am a little annoyed by that. I mean, I am truly not TRYING to make someone change their mind. I am trying to understand. I question because I want to learn. I challenge because I want to think for myself and not be led BLINDLY like so many are. I think people are just offended when they think you are challenging them. It was NEVER meant to offend. I did appreciate the one person who chose to participate in one conversation...I was pleasantly surprised at how open I was to his opinion.

But I digress. I thought a blog would be a great forum for me to gain some insight. Didn't turn out to be. It actually ended up being some strange form of therapy for me, which I have stated in the past, has proven to be loads cheaper than retail therapy. So I'll take it.

About FAMILY, I did enjoy sharing a few stories this year about my crazy kids and silly husband. I never cease to be amazed at how you can get so frustrated with folks you love so deeply. I didn't even think I was capable of loving like this. Yet, often I am pushed to the point of total insanity by the very same individuals. Screwy.

My fight with fat. Oh...well...crap. I didn't just lose. I was knocked out in the first round. I don't know what the heck happened. I really thought that if I blogged about it, I would have some sort of accountability. In turn, I would surely celebrate success. Not so much. In fact, I gained weight this year. Had I only actually started losing when my blog began, I would be at goal weight by now.

Coulda-Woulda-Shoulda.

I know better than to go down that road. I can guilt myself into a deep depression faster than you can say FAT GIRL. I can't go there. Only forward.

So. Here we are. Entering 2010. Still on my journey with God. (Grateful every day for that relationship.) Still learning how to be a parent. (I suppose I will have that figured out by the time they graduate.) And still fat. (Unfortunately.)

What HAS changed?

I Have Decided....

"I'm gonna live like a believer, turn my back on the deceiver...."

Yeah. No. That's not where I am going. Although that old school Amy Grant song HAS entered my mind several times as I have been lying in bed over the past couple of days, sick as a dog. Maybe it was Divine intervention that it WAS playing in my mind...to somehow pull me out of my negative funk.

But what I REALLY have been thinking about is something very different.

"I Have Decided..." Just a few things that come to your mind as a Mom when you are sick and watching your house go to Hell in a handbasket:

1. Your husband, partner, significant other, whatever....may TELL you that they can handle everything, but they can't. Things will slip through the cracks.

2. No laundry, not a sock, will get done for the duration of your illness.

3. You won't have full groceries until you are well. There will be quick trips for 7-up and chicken noodle soup. Your "other" won't think to go ahead and pick up milk. His mind is on what you need. And you don't need milk.

4. Its hard to be home with kids who are out of school when you are sick. See the next epiphany...

5. Your children really don't care that you are sick.

6. Everyone does not recognize the value of NOT procrastinating and therefore may not clean out folders until the morning....as the kids are running out the door.

7. Kids (at least my kids) really are more unruly when left to too many decisions to make in the morning. Hence, the laying out of clothes early.

8. Hearing chaos and bickering is not conducive to rest, even when the door is shut.

9. You can look a little psycho when flinging said door open to shout (more chaos!)at everyone to stop yelling!

10. Yelling at yellers is counterproductive.

11. Nothing really bad happens when kids wear their socks two days in a row because no one made sure they changed them.

12. Teachers are pretty understanding and probably won't fail your child if something is forgotten while you are sick!

13. No one (that I am aware of) has ever died from forgetting gloves, not brushing their teeth ONE night, having Pepsi for lunch because you are out of milk, or any other minor infractions that I place entirely too much importance on.

14. All of this seems really silly to complain that someone doesn't do something "right" just because its not done your way.

15. It doesn't matter how much you love someone, you still aren't going to do things exactly the same.

16. My blog about how bad everything has gone is suddenly making me feel very guilty.

17. My hubby loves our kids and tries his best. Even if I think he should be finding shoes and jackets the night before instead of facebooking. Keyword.."think"...that's my opinion. He has his own opinions...

18. I'm grateful I have two kids who love me and a hubby who wants me well. Even if part of the reason is to take back some of the things I always do!

So let me check my swollen tonsils once again for craters you can swim in....take another couple of ibuprofen....take my temp and pray to see anything less than 102... and suck it up. There's laundry to do and it ain't getting done on its own! Ha!

Everyone wash their hands and have a glass of OJ!

Part Two: The Strange Smell of Formaldehyde and Nursing Homes....

Well, as promised, here is the second entry from our emotional week of funerals. I should actually change the title to "The Strange Smell of Formaldehyde, Nursing Homes and Funeral Flowers." I don't know why flowers smell different in a funeral home than they do in your yard or in a vase on your kitchen table. I guess that's another blog.

As strange as it may seem to blog about doing my Aunt Sue's hair, I feel like I need to purge the details since so many of my friends and family have asked how it went and what it was like. Of course I mean no disrespect at all by writing about the experience, even though, at times it was almost comical. If you knew my Aunt Sue at all, you would know that it was certainly appropriate that the whole thing was even funny at times.

I have already said that I did not hesitate to agree to the favor. My Mom mentioned it first and I believe said something to my cousin, Jimmy. When he asked, I had already given it some thought and decided I would definitely do it. I did say, however, that I knew I couldn't go in there (wherever "there" was...) alone. I just said that I knew someone would have to go with me! I had doubted it would be my husband, since he had to be available to take care of the kids for me. I knew my Mom would not be in any condition to go with me. So I just said, "As long as someone goes with me, I'll be fine."

I have more than one funny uncle. These are the "brothers" of my Mom's. There are four of them and they were blessed with a sense of humor that is second to none. One such brother, Uncle Jeff, sat with me in my Aunt Sue's hospital room towards the end of her life. We were both able to stay with her when it became too difficult for my Mom and my cousins to watch her struggle. He offered, one night, to go with me to do her hair and when the day did come for me to go...I thought he would be the perfect person to take. I needed someone who could keep things lighthearted for me and help me to keep it together. I doubted that I would break down in front of my often hilarious uncle.

Last Saturday, when the funeral director called, I made the arrangements to pick up Uncle Jeff and then head to Hartford City to do what I had promised. When we arrived at the funeral home, I don't think either of us had any idea what to expect. We just walked in, introduced ourselves and the kind director told us to follow him. He asked if I had done hair for someone who had passed before and I told him that I had not. He then asked my Uncle Jeff if he had done anything like that before and he said, "No," as well.

We followed him into a garage of this large, amazing house that I would give my right arm to live in. In the garage I spotted a gurney-type thing and I panicked. Surely he isn't going to just roll my Aunt Sue out here to the garage with that big door open and everything. What will people do as they drive by? Peer out their car windows and catch a glimpse of me styling a dead person's hair? But we kept walking to another door off of the garage and I felt a little better. Not going to happen in the garage. Thank, God!

Now...I don't know what I was thinking. But for some reason, I had it in my mind that this whole thing would go down down in a beautifully lit room, with "funeral home chic" decor and soft music playing in the background. I had visions of my Aunt lying on a satin covered table of some sort, maybe not dressed, but covered beautifully somehow. As I walked toward this door off of the garage, I imagined that beautiful room would be on the other side.

I was wrong.

As we walked in that doorway, it hit me right in the face. The strongest, strangest smell that I quickly identified as formaldehyde. There was no mistake that it was formaldehyde and it didn't exactly creep up on you. Smacked me instantly. The same way the cold air hit me in this refrigerated, very bright white, not necessarily the cleanest, old, cinder-block walled room. Boy did my eyes start wandering! And so did my Uncle Jeff's! We were looking around and taking EVERYTHING in. There were bottles of chemicals lined up on old garage-type shelves. A rolling stool in front of a counter with a faucet and cabinets that I really wanted to open up and look into. It was about 10X10, had no windows, cold and stinky. And there she was. My sweet Aunt Sue just lying there. I couldn't help but think she had to be so cold. Isn't that just about ridiculous! Duh. Of course she is "cold."

But you know...she looked really good. So peaceful. Like she was sleeping. My Uncle commented on how great she looked and I instantly felt at ease. She did look good. And now I wanted to make her look even better.

I was a little nervous at first because the funeral director and my Uncle were kind of just standing there as I started doing her hair. The funniest part was when I was trying to make her bangs lay down around her forehead and couldn't seem to get them to comb down. They just kept popping back up. At one point, I used my flat iron to pull them down and they shot back up again. Uncle Jeff made the funniest face, like what I had just done was NOT working. Plus, I was paranoid that I would get too close to her skin and burn her without knowing it since she obviously wasn't going to pull away or flinch. Finally, I used the old faucet and sink to wet the comb to make it stay down. The funeral director said, "Here...this will help." He started spraying her with a water bottle, which worked. I didn't bring a hair dryer, but he had some ultra powerful little dryer that I used. I wondered what else that thing was used for. It wasn't a typical hair dryer. Wonder what else it dried? Uncle Jeff looked as relieved as I did when our dreaded bangs started to lie down.

After that, I worked quickly and was soon finished. We all agreed that she looked great and I then focused my attention on giving him her clothes and making sure he knew she had little slippers and new underclothes.

The ride home was actually pretty funny. We both laughed at how we had such different expectations on what that room would look like. He had a more sterile, CSI type vision and I had this soap opera, dramatic vision. Boy, were we both wrong. But we survived.

Later, I was thanking God for providing what we need to get through things. I needed my Uncle Jeff that day. He was the perfect person to go with me. Had I taken a sister or even a good friend I think I would have gotten too emotional and maybe not been able to do it. But for some reason (and I think we all know the reason!) Uncle Jeff offered that day and we took care of it.

And the most important thing was that Aunt Sue looked great for her funeral. She would have wanted it that way!

Part One: The Strange Smell of Formaldehyde and Nursing Homes....

Well, there was no way I could possibly get through this weekend without a little blog therapy, which I tend to try first since it is so much better for my bank account than retail therapy. As most everyone knows by now, from a couple of status updates, our family suffered the loss of not one, but two loved ones over the weekend. I have not cried yet, which seems odd. But honestly, I haven't had time. I have written before about how I can see myself "growing up" sometimes, and that really freaks me out. I still feel about 21 sometimes. But after this weekend, I am 100% sure that I am a different person than I was 10 or 15 years ago.

We'll start with a story about my lovely Aunt Sue, who, by the way, I was named after. (Brandi Sue...) She was my Mom's only sister and I have always had a very special place in my heart for her. Since she and my Mom were the only two girls out of six children, they had a bond that was just so special. They tend to be on the receiving end of a whole lot of teasing by four brothers. Never a dull moment at those family get togethers! I grew up looking forward to spending time with all of them and my cousins. When I was around 12, I started asking Aunt Sue if I could do her hair. She even let me cut it! Can you believe that? She must have been crazy. But I did it. And I didn't do a bad job, either. From that day on, occasionally, I would style, cut or even perm her hair over the years. We never lived close to each other, but if she knew we would be seeing each other, she may ask me to bring my scissors and a curling iron. I never, ever minded doing her hair. In fact, I loved it. She always said, "Oh, that's real pretty. Yes, yes. That's just real pretty." That eventually turned into, "Oh yes, yes. No one else does my hair like you do!" Now, if that isn't just the nicest thing to hear. Her compliments were so sincere and encouraging. Now, I will admit, she was extremely easy to please. And I really don't think I did anything any different than anyone else. But when you are 12....it was a big deal!

Last Friday, Aunt Sue passed away. She was in the hospital for a little over a week, fighting a pretty painful infection. She wasn't strong enough for surgery, so we knew that it was pretty much a waiting game unless there was a miracle. I don't blame God for wanting to bring her home....I would want her with me, too. She was an amazing lady who loved everyone! Incredibly loyal to her family and always willing to share anything she had.

When my cousin, her son, asked me to do her hair for the funeral, I didn't even hesitate. Although I had never done anything like that before, in fact...I am really pretty wimpy when it comes to things like that...I still didn't even hesitate. I thought, "There is no way I am letting some stranger do her hair. They would have no idea how she liked it." So that was it. I would definitely do it. On Saturday, the funeral director called me to let me know I could come at 2:00 pm to bring her outfit and do her hair.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. I was. And the details of the actual process will have to come in a later blog. My posts are long enough, so I won't bore you in this particular entry. But I will say that it was an experience I won't forget. I don't think I ever knew what formaldehyde smelled like. Until now. And the whole process was completely different than I expected. I knew it would be emotional. I did not expect to feel so good afterwards. Don't get me wrong.... I would much rather her still be alive and laughing with me. But I am so glad that I did her hair. I think she would have wanted me to, for one. And also, I kept thinking the whole time about how I wanted to make her look as pretty as I could. And she did look pretty. She looked just like she did about 10 years ago, before her health started failing.

I guess to go back to how we just change as we grow older.....there is no way I would have been brave enough to do that 10 years ago. I'm so grateful that our lives evolve over time and allow us to experience so many things. This is definitely one of those experiences that I won't forget.

Tune in soon to read more about our emotional weekend. Surprisingly, its not a story of sadness and gloom. More like encouragement and gratefulness!

Family: 9-11....Where Were You?

I have such a different memory of 9-11 than most people. I mean, I know we all have different stories about where we were when disaster struck, how you heard about it, how you felt. Our story is very different.

On 9-11-01, PJ and I were in Aqtobe, Kazakhstan. It was the day that we met our little Indira for the first time. Up until then, we had only seen video. On that day, we met her in person. During our first of twice daily visits that went on for the week, a very sweet and loving caregiver brought her to us. That room, the smells, the light peeking in the lace curtains, the rug on the floor, the sound of the footsteps up the stairs and the door creaking open. I remember it all so vividly. Like it was yesterday.

During the first visit, Indira's eyes...big and brown and beautifully almond shaped...never left ours. She looked at us as if she knew who we were and why we were there. She was 7 months old. Coughing. Sick. (All three of the babies that we traveled with were!) Small for her age. Adorable. That visit was amazing and I can't help but almost cry when I think about it.

When we left the orphanage that day from our morning visit, we were on a high that was unexplainable. Until our drivers started trying desperately to tell us of the events back home. But....thanks to the dreaded language barrier, they couldn't communicate what had happened. I think the most we got out of the broken English was, "New York city....Boom, Boom!"

During lunch, our coordinator received a phone call and turned a t.v. to CNN. Although it was in Russian, we knew what was happening. A translator was relaying most of the information as we sat in that little living room and cried. One family that we traveled with was even from the D.C. area. Their older daughter was still at home with her grandparents. I can't imagine the fear they must have felt.

I remember hearing the dreaded words, "Muslim extremist." Then I remember realizing we were in a Muslim country. I would be lying if I said I was not scared. I was. I heard of the US Embassy closing in almost every country, including Kazakhstan. I heard of all international flights being canceled. Who wants to be in another country with no embassy open and no international flights at the start of a war? We cried. Out of fear. Out of sadness for what had happened. We just cried.

I am happy to say that I learned a valuable lesson that day/week. I realized that not all Muslims are 'bad'....just those who terrorized our country. Christians have their share of extremists that advocate violence and I would like to think that not all Christians are 'bad.' (I can provide another blog to discuss violent Christians!) It seems like such a simple lesson, and yet I still see people cringe when you speak the word "Muslim." That is so sad to me.

During that week, we were assured that we were safe. And, surprisingly enough, we felt safe. The local police, who knew there were Americans in town even stopped by the apartment to check on us and express their sadness at what had happened. When the U.S. Embassy in Kazakhstan opened back up in Almaty, we went to continue with our paperwork to complete our adoption. There were flowers everywhere. Lining the sidewalks up to the door. Beautiful and so sad.

That day was so amazing to me and such a defining moment in so many ways. It definitely contributes to the process of growing as a person. I have sadness for those who died on 9-11, but I also have an unexplainable happiness.

Such a strange feeling....even after this many words, I still don't think I am able to really verbalize my feelings. Tonight I am going to bed grateful for a daughter that I love dearly and will never take for granted! I know what we went through to get her. I know how happy she has made me and I love celebrating this day with her!

Family: Back To School!

Wow. I don’t even know where to start. This was certainly a milestone for us. Both kids are now in school. Indira started third grade and Drew started Kindergarten. To say that it has been emotional is the understatement of the year.

Let me start by saying that I can get a bit neurotic when it comes to planning. Anything. Vacations. Parties. Christmas. Anything. You can imagine how ridiculous my summer has been planning for the first day of school for Drew, and Indira for that matter. I still, even though she is in third grade, get super organized when it comes to getting ready for school. I am a list-maker, which means that at any given moment this summer, I could whip out a list of what we had already bought and what we still needed in terms of school clothes and supplies. I’m a planner. Can’t help it. If I have learned anything throughout this experience, its that sometimes it really doesn’t matter how much you THINK you have it together. Things just don’t always go as smoothly as you had hoped. (And you really DON’T have it together, at all!)

We’ll just start with the letter I received from the school on the Friday before school started. It was from the nurse and she pointed out that Drew was missing some of his immunizations that are required for the Kindergarten year. Now, I just KNEW that this was a mistake. How could I have failed to make sure he had his immunizations? After all, it was just a few months ago that we got the shots in question. I remember distinctly being in the Doctor’s office and thinking to myself, “Well, he is 5, so this should do it for awhile.” I must have given the school the wrong copy of his records when we registered at Kindergarten Round Up back in April. So, I thought I would just head over to the Doctor’s office and request an updated copy so I could give it to the school. Case closed. When I popped into the office and spoke to the receptionist, I explained the misunderstanding and kindly asked if she could just re-print his records so I could show we were up to date on everything. She looked at the screen, and to my horror….said, “He isn’t up to date. He needs DTAP, MMR and the Chicken Pox booster.” I guess it had been almost a year since the shots I THOUGHT were the right ones! (I guess time does fly…I could have sworn it was just a few months ago!) Now, I realize for most people, this wouldn’t be THAT big of a deal. But I was just mortified. How could I let this happen? At this point, we are just days from starting school and I am just embarrassed that we are behind on shots. I don’t have any idea what I was thinking, but somehow I dropped the ball on this one. How, I do not know. So after all was said and done, we had to make an upcoming appointment for the following Friday to get our shots. Let’s hope the school is okay with that. I think mostly, I just feel a little embarrassed. I am a stay at home Mom, for crying out loud! I don’t have a 40+ hour a week job to distract me! This IS my job!

Fast forward to the day that school started. Friday, the 14th of August. Everything went great that day, (for the kids.) PJ took a vacation day so that we could take them together and they looked so cute. Indira is getting so big and can’t have her picture taken without striking a Paris Hilton-esque pose. She has no idea who that is, but seriously…she has that look down. Hand on the hip and all! I’m not quite sure how I feel about that either. She is getting prettier and prettier and losing that “little girl” look. This school year, she will turn 9. Drew was a little nervous. He was excited, but nervous. Thank goodness he didn’t get upset or anything when we walked him to his classroom. He did just great!

After leaving the school and crying a little, PJ and I decided we would take the day to relax and shop, eat lunch, anything that can normally be frustrating to do with kids! Other than feeling very, very sick to my stomach that afternoon from either lunch or nerves, (or both) the day went rather smoothly. I was upset at the fact I didn’t feel well at first. But then I realized that while I will probably remember the fact that my Kindergartner didn’t have his immunizations up to date and I was feeling very sick on the first day of school, Drew probably won’t.

I don’t know why I put this unrealistic pressure to be perfect on myself when it comes to my family. But I do. The truth is, I will make mistakes. Lots more of them. So I don’t really know why I am so hard on myself EVERY time it happens! Hopefully, my kids are not going to remember that they started Kindergarten without their shots….or that I am always behind with the dentist appointments, (which reminds me….) or….(I won’t go on, you already know that I space stuff!)

So here we are a week later and our Doctor’s appointment is today. The first week of school went really well. The kids BEGGED to buy their lunch today. I don’t know why. I thought everyone hated school lunches? But, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to do that sometimes. It certainly gave me a little unexpected break from the chaos of packing lunches this morning! The dreaded shots are this afternoon at 3:30. I still feel guilty…but I think I may just have to get over it!

Until next time….LIGHTEN UP, ALREADY!

Family: 16 Years And Counting.....

Wow. 16 years. I can hardly believe we have been married that long. Although, sometimes it feels as if we have just always been married. I can't really imagine my life without PJ. Its funny how your mind goes back and forth like that. It seems like yesterday, but it seems like forever.

I can't say that it has always been perfect. In fact, if you had asked me 10 years ago if I thought we would stay married, I would have said "No." The truth is, we have had our issues like every other couple. Ups and downs. Over the last 16 years, we have each gone through our share of selfish times. But somehow, it always seemed to work itself out.

I can't blog about my marriage without bringing up our most treasured and yet so traumatic part, which was trying to start a family. I often wonder what it is like to sit down with your spouse and say, "So do we want to start trying?" And then let the miracle of life begin the most awesome journey, which is parenthood. It wasn't that easy for us. And I still, to this day, wonder why it wasn't, but that's another post. We seemed to do everything the best way we knew how. Although neither of us made the right decisions about college, we were responsible. We both had solid, decent paying jobs. We were married for 5 years before having that conversation that I spoke of. We had bought our first house. (Cutest, 3 bedroom ranch ever!) We were solid in our relationship. It was as perfect as it could be.

I didn't have any trouble getting pregnant. In fact, I think we only "tried" (that term always cracks me up! I'm so immature!) for a few months before the dramatic peeing on a stick! We were happy. Very happy. At this point in our marriage, we couldn't have asked for things to be more perfect! Cute house, great jobs, married 5 years and pregnant! Life was so good.

Until an ultrasound at about 3 months in that showed some problems. We were having a girl and she was showing signs of infection and edema (fluid) around her heart and brain. I was just mortified. This couldn't be happening.

I gave birth to Hope Elizabeth early and she was stillborn. While in labor, I was still hoping for a miracle, which helped me to deliver. There were several doctors and nurses there, ready to tend to her had she made it. When she didn't, they all just filed out of my room and there we were. Confused and crying.

The doctors did not know the reason for our little Hope's health problems. The kept saying it was likely a fluke and should never happen again. At 25, I was burying my baby and picking a cemetery. That was probably when our problems as a couple really started. We loved each other, but there was this hurt that was just too much to bear sometimes.

Over the next few years, we had talked about trying again. All the while, struggling to stay married. I think we just started growing apart. In 2000, we weren't stable in our marriage. We still put on a pretty good show for those around us. I don't think our families even knew we were having problems. Maybe still very protective of each other, after all, we did still love each other deeply. We just didn't understand how to cope at that point. I ended up pregnant again. We were so hopeful this time. The doctors, remember, had said it shouldn't happen again, right?

A couple of months in and there the problems were again! Fluid. Worse this time than last. We kept going for ultrasounds hoping that it would go away and it didn't. They ended up having to induce labor and Faith Ann was born. Another private funeral. Another little casket. This time, it was just too much.

I honestly do not know how or why we stayed married, except that we were both so protective of each other after everything, that we couldn't imagine hurting the other one and actually leaving. I realize now why it was so hard, but that's 10 years later that you figure it out! We honestly could not look at each other without an association to pain and hurt. Talk about growing apart. I think we were just roommates for a while there.

Closure finally came for us. We received a very unexpected phone call one day that shed some light on our babies' health problems. PJ and I both carry a recessive gene with problems. Our babies had MPS Type 7. A genetic disorder. Evidently, out of all the genes in our bodies, there is a one in several thousand chance to carry this problem gene. PJ and I both do. Had we tried to have children with anyone else, there wouldn't have been a problem. Only the two of us together. Now if that doesn't mess with your head just a little, I don't know what does. I think it was natural to feel like we just weren't meant to be together. After more and more problems, I really don't know how we stayed together.

Until...

I don't know. Until I finally realized that I loved this person more than I loved myself. Until I realized that no matter what ever happened, I could NEVER, even in our worst times, I still could never imagine my life without PJ. No matter how many times I said I wanted to leave when things were at their worst, deep down I knew I never could have actually gone through with it. I think I knew in my heart that our problems were temporary and we would eventually work them out.

I'd love to say that things were back to good before adopting our two children, but in reality, we were still struggling. We were still hurting, but knew we were going to get through it. If I am truly honest, it was only about 5 years ago that we finally let the past problems be the past and moved forward.

So here we are today. Hindsight is sometimes a frustrating thing, especially when you look back at what you could have done to prevent things from happening. You can wish all you want that you wouldn't have suffered loss. That you wouldn't have dealt with the loss the way you did. That you would have tried harder.

Or you can use your hindsight to understand the things that did happen and learn from it. I know, now, why it was so hard for us. After going through some counseling, we learned that couples who suffer the loss of a child together can sometimes only see that loss in each other. We went through that TWICE. Its amazing we made it.

While I hate to imply that all of this defines our marriage, a lot of it does make a huge impact on how we treat each other today. Going through what we went through together makes you just a little more kind to each other, a little more compassionate, a little more appreciative. You realize that if you can get through all of that...you can get through ANYTHING.

So, Happy Anniversary, PJ. Its been quite the rollercoaster. I'm glad we never gave up...here's to many, many more!

Faith: My Sin, Not In Part...But The Whole

Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more
Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord, Oh my soul!

"It Is Well With My Soul" is probably my very favorite song of all time. Whether you are talking about traditional hymns or contemporary Christian music, I think its just one of the best songs ever written. I have this particular song on my mind these days because I have had a lot of trouble sleeping. I don't know why. Its just something that happens. I was staying up late watching t.v. or writing, but that seemed to make me stay up even later. So I started listening to music instead. I don't think its helping a whole lot. I may be getting to sleep about an hour earlier, but I'll take it.

Its been challenging to find the right music to try to fall asleep to, since I tend to actually concentrate on the song and not let myself fully relax. Hence, the deep thoughts about "It Is Well..."

If you have only heard the traditional hymnal version of this song, I encourage you to listen to a couple of different arrangements. First off, the Jars Of Clay version off of the Redemption Songs cd is a fun, upbeat song. It kind of reminds me of a Beatles song. For the record, that whole cd is great. (The reason I originally bought it was for the very last song, "They'll Know We Are Christians By Our Love." That is another post, though.)

By far, the most amazing version for me is by Todd Agnew, though. I realize I am more of a rocker chick when it comes to music, so I am sure its not for everyone. But wow. Turn that song up loud on your ipod and shut your eyes. I dare you to try not to get emotional.

Sometimes I just need to be reminded I think. I mean...I know I do. I can be as frustrated as the next person about people, politics and everything else. (And usually I am on the opposite side of most Christians, so it can be really messy!) But what it boils down to, for me, is that I have this amazing relationship with a loving Creator. I just can't fathom, sometimes, that I am redeemed. My sin, not in part, but the whole. That's just the best line of the whole song for me. I need to remember that. Often.

Its funny how things (conversations, people) pop up in your life from your past that remind you of mistakes you have made. Its easy to start focusing on the regret that you thought you had moved past. Last night I went there. I started on a check list of regrets over the last 10 or 15 years. Little ones. Big ones. Decisions that I have made in the past that I question now. Mistakes that I am glad are tucked away in closests. Conversations that I wish I had, or had not had. People that I let in and out of my life that I shouldn't have.

Words....
Actions.....
Emotions.....

I could go on. (See why I don't sleep?) The reality is that I could sit here and beat myself up over all of it. Believe me, I have went through so many "Had I not _____, then ____ would not have happened." Its endless. Or I can let it go, the way God intended. I don't believe that He meant for us to live our lives in a constant state of regret for not being perfect. Wasn't that the purpose of Christ? To show us all, once and for all, that we are redeemed....forgiven....?

Its funny how we just grow up. Grow in our relationship with God. Grow in our relationships with others. We just grow up. We move past "stuff." We move on. I am glad that I am able to grow from my mistakes. Learn from them. The fact of the matter is that ALL of your experiences make you who you are. Not just the good ones. All of them.

Check out Todd Agnew's version of "It Is Well With My Soul," and enjoy the peace that God gives us through this song.

(By the way, I don't have bones buried in my backyard or anything, so please don't let your mind wander about my "sins" I am talking about! I think EVERYONE has made mistakes. That's all.)

Fat:: Why is it so tempting?????

The processed crap! Why is it so tasty? Is my palette that screwy that it thinks that a load of chemicals tastes good? I guess so. After years of putting that garbage in, I am going to have a hard time re-training my taste buds, I guess.

I was watching "The Doctors" on CBS yesterday because they were talking about metabolism. A friend and I had just had this conversation about how slowly I lose weight, so she thought I may be interested in hearing what they had to say. Jillian, from Biggest Loser, was the guest and I couldn't believe how easy it truly is to understand healthy eating. She basically said that if it didn't come from the ground or have a mother, don't eat it. Its an easy way to rid yourself of all of the chemicals in your diet. Easy to understand. Not so easy to do.

She went on to say that she wasn't familiar with a Cheeto tree. That kind of cracked me up! I've also heard that if you can't pronounce it, you shouldn't eat it. That makes sense, too. All of it does. Why is it so hard to actually follow through with, then?

I guess the trick is that pesky word we call "MODERATION." I seem to struggle with this. I'm sure that having some Cheetos here and there is probably not a big deal. Its when everything you eat is processed. Jillian explained that it really wreaks havoc on your metabolism, as does artificial sweeteners. Hey there. Now shoot. Do I really have to give up EVERYTHING? Probably not. Just enjoy it all in MODERATION, which is something I don't do.

This week I am trying to focus on eating real food that provides some kind of nutrition, instead of empty calories that screw up my metabolism. Almost 2 years ago, I lost around 15 or so pounds going completely organic and vegetarian. I felt amazing. But with a family, the vegetarian thing was difficult. And during a recession....eating completely organic proved difficult as well. I am wondering what kind of results I will get with limiting the processed junk as I track weight watcher points.

Here's to real food!

Family: Unfamiliar Territory

I have to say, I don't think I could have ever expected the challenges we are facing right now. About a year ago, PJ's father was diagnosed with vascular dementia. It has been quite the roller coaster ride ever since. After much trial and error with different medications, he had become almost like his old self, until recently when we were advised by his doctors that some of the side effects were becoming quite dangerous. So back to square one. Trial and error with different meds again!

One of the problems that his father battles is severe insomnia. This is so frustrating for him. He is tired all of the time and yet he can't sleep. Some days he is walking around almost zombie like, while other days he seems like himself. He also suffers from a few physical complications as well, so keeping up with what we may consider some pretty easy tasks are really difficult for him.

As an adult, I don't think we are ever prepared to watch our parents struggle with their health. Its hard. No matter who you are. Its hard. This person who you have always seen as a strong "grown up" is now shuffling across the room and looking confused. The same person who made you eat your vegetables, now has an almost empty fridge and rarely eats anything nutritious.

Last week we decided that we had to work on his Dad's house. It needs some serious TLC and major repairs. A leaky roof. Mold in the sunroom. A start of a remodel to a bathroom that was never finished. Makeshift curtains that were nailed to trim to cover the windows. I could go on. He doesn't want to move and at this point we can't force him to. (Even though we worry about his safety every day because he is alone.) The only solution is to make the house as nice as we can while he is living there.

Yesterday was PJ's birthday and the only day that we could work it out to start on his Dad's house. The whole family, his brothers, sister and Mom, met to help and celebrate PJ's birthday. It ended up being an amazing day but also kind of emotional. The last few weeks have been very difficult with doctors appointments and insurance drama so when I saw PJ smiling yesterday, I knew we had made the right choice for his birthday plans. His Dad was so happy to be surrounded by his kids and grandkids working on his house. At one point he joked that he felt like Donald Trump. I am pretty sure he was saying that because his house was looking so nice.

A great day, indeed. But certainly unfamiliar territory. This is my father in law I am watching struggle. The same one who didn't want us to get married 15 years ago because he didn't think we were ready. The one that wanted to leave me a gun in one of our first apartments because he knew I would be alone a lot while PJ traveled. (It was really bad neighborhood.) The one who wept with us during the loss of two children. And the one who never treated me differently when PJ and I had our own marital problems that were almost too difficult to work out.

I think the least I can do is help with a bathroom remodel.

Fat:: Turtle Speed

I've been here so many times, I am almost numb to my results. After almost a week of trying to get into Weight Watchers, I have lost one pound. One. Uno. Ein. And it isn't like I don't know why. Unfortunately, I am at that place where I have to do the weight loss thing FULL FORCE. I can't just lazily give up regular soda or cut out the fried foods. I haven't had either in a week. I have to do it all. Track every point that goes into my mouth. Drink loads of water. Cut out a lot of sodium. Don't eat past about 7:00 pm. And all of that will get me a whopping 2 or 3 pound loss.

I guess my metabolism is as slow as a freakin' turtle or something. I don't know. Does it matter? Its my reality, regardless of the reason. I'm not discouraged because I know my body well enough to realize that this is normal for me. I always have a slow start. The problem is when I get discouraged and quit. I really don't want to quit this time!!!!

Today I am not choosing to get discouraged. I am choosing to focus on the fact that last week I hate more healthy foods than I did the week before. I ate less sugar. More fruits and vegetables. I'm going with that. What I did this week was a good start. In order to get the results that I want, I will have to step it up.

It's on. =)

Personal: I've Changed.

Today I went to the cemetery with my sister to visit the grave of my nephew, Russell. Almost two years ago, Russ died from a car accident. Our family spent one week at Methodist Hospital in the trauma unit. That was the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life. I have dealt with loss in the past. That story is another blog post. But this was horrifying. My family spent an entire week at his side. We prayed. We cried. We prayed some more. We cried some more. After losing Russ, I didn't think my life would ever be the same, and I was right. I have changed. There is something deep inside of you that you can't explain after going through something like that.

My family has always been close. We're not really into drama and don't fight amongst ourselves. We love our parents and love to spend time together. When this happened, we couldn't leave each other. And it wasn't just us siblings sticking by my sister, Sherry, who was losing her son. We were ALL together. In-laws. Cousins. My parents. We needed each other and we needed to be with my sister and my other nephew, Josh, who was grieving for his brother. My parents were grieving the loss of a grandson. My other niece and nephews were losing a cousin. My other sister, brother and I were losing a nephew and watching our sister go through something we wouldn't wish on our worst enemy.

The last almost two years have been a healing process for our family. We're closer. A little more patient with each other. A little more forgiving. A lot more grateful for each other. I guess it was one of those times in your life that you can certainly call a defining moment. I don't think I would be the same person without that experience. It still hurts and I still OFTEN wish it had not happened. But I do wonder who I would be if it had not. It is such a huge part of my life that I know it changed me. I know that I don't take life for granted. I know that I don't want to argue with people and I have no room in my life for drama. I am more forgiving and definitely do NOT sweat the small stuff anymore. Its just not worth it.

I don't think I ever REALLY understood the cliche that "life is too short." I do now. It is. I am grateful for every second I have with my kids and I am not silly enough to take it for granted.

Today as I watched my sister I thought about letting my anger sneak in. For a second, I almost went there with the "whys." But there was something so beautiful about her strength that I knew she was getting from God and her amazing husband right at her side, that I just stopped. I just kept saying over and over in my mind, "Thank you, God." For strength. For comfort. For the details. A loving husband for my sister to lean on. A family who loves each other and will support each other. A break in the rain today just as we got to the cemetery.

Yesterday was Russell's birthday. He would have been 23. I'm still sad that I don't get to see him. But I'm also grateful for the 21 years we had with him.

Family: The Party's Over!

Well, after several months of planning, it’s over. No more samples of punch to try. No more searching through pictures. No more picking out cups and plates. Back to reality. I am kind of sad that it’s over. That’s probably sounding crazy because planning the party was so time-consuming. But it was fun. And inspirational, really.

For anyone who cares, who wasn’t there, I can’t help but give the play by play. It was just so amazing that I have to share.

First off, we were on a pretty tight budget, which means we couldn’t rent out some fancy country club banquet room or serve a multi-course meal. We wanted to invite anyone who wanted to come. So it was put in the paper as an open invite. We had no idea how many would show up, so we had to plan for a pretty large crowd. Mom and Dad were renewing their vows, so we were already at the church. We decided to have a small reception afterwards in the church fellowship hall.

Since there are four of us kids, we thought it would be nice to have the girls stand up with Mom and the guys stand up with Dad. The three daughters and one daughter in law and the one son and three sons in laws made up the “wedding party.” Mom kept saying she wasn’t wearing white and wasn’t walking to the Bridal March, so we did make some changes from a typical wedding. After all, it wasn’t a first wedding. Although it kind of was. Mom and Dad eloped so for them, it was their first wedding. So we changed up the tradition a little. We wanted everyone in our immediate family involved, so the grandsons seated the guests. My two little ones and a great-granddaughter, Faith, passed out little programs that listed all of our names. We played a CD with piano music of love songs while people were seated and it was perfect.

Mom wore a beautiful gold-colored dress and jacket since your 50^th anniversary is “golden.” Dad wore a black suit. Girls wore black dresses, all different, and guys wore black pants and tan dress shirts with different ties. After all of the guests were seated, the older grandkids walked down and sat in the front row. Then the little ones had their turn. Indira and Faith wore polka dotted black dresses and Drew wore a little linen jacket with his dress shirt and pants. They looked amazing. Then my brother, Tim, walked back down to get Mom. I have never seen my Dad so in love. He was just admiring her from the front and I thought we all would start crying right then and there! And Mom just kept her eyes forward and glanced at Dad a couple of times, almost looking shy. Wow. How do you still have that kind of love and admiration after 50 years?

Pastor Martha did an awesome job with the ceremony. She knew we wanted to keep it casual and light and she did exactly that. She commented on the way that Mom and Dad look at each other with their “twinkle.” Everyone could see it, too. Then, at the close of the ceremony, Pastor Martha invited the grandkids to join us up front to surround Mom and Dad with love for the final prayer. We all huddled around them and put our hands on their shoulders. It was beautiful!

After leaving the sanctuary we headed over to Asbury Hall, the fellowship hall at our church, for the reception. They still cut a cake and toasted punch and looked like two teenagers in love. We had pictures on the table that stuck out of gold flower pots. They seemed to be a big hit. They were pictures of them when they were little, growing up, high school, newly married and all of us kids over the years. It was fun to see people we had not seen since we were kids looking at all of the memories.

It was a success. In all aspects. They enjoyed it. We enjoyed it and I think our guests did, too. I walked away from the party not only appreciating my parents for an amazing job raising all of us, but also inspired. I’m inspired to never give up on my marriage. I’m inspired to teach my kids the values of love and respect that I was taught and inspired to treasure all of my days with my lovely parents.

Until next time…peace, love, and a good night’s sleep!

Family: 50 Years!

For the last couple of months, I have been planning my parents' 50th anniversary party. I've been consumed by it, really. I can't help but want to make it as special as I can when I think about their story and my own life as a child. Although not perfect, we had and still have a special bond in our family that is obviously to the credit of my parents. So today, as I wrap up final plans for the ceremony and reception on Saturday, I think its appropriate to reflect on something I am eternally grateful for....

Mom and Dad were originally married by the Justice Of The Peace. I have made a couple of assumptions as to why there wasn't a wedding. I'm pretty sure Dad's folks did not approve and it may have been a money issue as well. Either way, they "ran off" to get married and have been together ever since. They are renewing their vows this Saturday with their friends and family at the church that they have attended for the last 30 years.

We didn't grow up with a ton of money. We were average, middle class. I'm pretty sure when I was very young, it was pretty tight financially even. That was when all four of us lived at home. It was a pretty small house and yet I don't remember thinking we were deprived of anything. I just remember that I always felt loved by my parents and my siblings. I feel almost guilty sometimes, because my childhood was so happy. I know that isn't something that everyone had and I don't take it for granted.

While preparing for the anniversary party, we went through a ton of old pictures and decided to display them on the tables at the reception. It was hilarious. And emotional. Some pictures of my Dad just cracked me up. Shaggy, dark hair very different from the short white hair he has today. And Mom's "frosted" hair...so 70's! Of course we saw pictures of people who were not in our family anymore due to divorce. Those were kind of sad because we truly miss them! Then you would run across the occasional picture that brought you to tears. Grandparents that have passed on. Me, very pregnant with one of our babies that didn't make it. My nephew Russell, whose death a year ago is still too fresh to even know how to deal with sometimes. I can't believe what we have been through together. Growing up. Laughing. Arguing. Moving out. Getting married. Having children. Losing children.

My family is, and will always be, one of the greatest blessings in my life. We know we are all different. Not one of us four kids, or my parents, are exactly alike. And yet, we love each other more than I could ever put into words. That love, that relationship, is because of our amazing parents. We were always taught that you never hold a grudge, try not to get involved in other people's arguments and to love each other. If I can pass on a fraction of that to my kids, I will be happy.

Here's to love....and at least 50 more years of it!

Family: What A Great Day!

Today I had an amazing day! I felt so overwhelmingly happy and blessed that I teared up more than once! I know, I know. I am such a dork. I am so much like my Dad in that way. We can't keep our emotions hidden to save our lives. But seriously, when is the last time we had such a beautiful day? Probably not that long ago, but it certainly seems like forever!

My day began with a chuckle. Indira was so excited to wear flip flops to school that the world could have been crumbling around her and she wouldn't have known. I love seeing such simple things amuse my kids. Makes me strive to find the joy in the little things more often. Next, I went searching for my cell phone that I thought I had misplaced. Found it in my purse and saw a couple of hilarious text messages from friends I have recently reconnected with. Needless to say, it brought a smile to my face for the second time today.

When I walked outside to take Drew to preschool, I knew this day was just going to keep getting better. It was amazing this morning. Drew was happy that it was so nice out, too. Isn't it crazy how much the weather can affect us? And can you believe Indira had a half-day at school today? Wow...that was a blessing right there! Finally, one of those teacher in-service things landed on a pretty day!

While I wanted to take advantage of the weather, I really had some other things to do that had to be done. Ahh, the conflict. The responsible part of me wanted to put the kids outside at our house and be productive all day. The other part of me wanted to play outside, too! I thought it best to compromise. Let me take a couple of hours of play time and then finish some tasks that had to be done by next weekend. So there is was. The plan. We were playing for at least a couple hours. Drew walked out of the house after changing into play clothes and exclaimed, "Mom! My armpits are SLIMY!!!!" Yep, it was turning out to be a great day!

We decided to go to Westside park so we could take a walk by the river, AFTER we ate our Mickey D's on a blanket. For once, the kids didn't argue. I didn't have to yell at anyone. It was just this amazing, beautiful afternoon.

I couldn't help but think about the gifts that God gives us every day. As I sat there soaking up some much-needed vitamin D, I kept saying "Wow, God is good" over and over in my head. The funny thing is, He always is! We just don't choose to see it every day. Its pretty easy when its 82 degrees and sunny outside. But how often do I forget when its raining?

After an awesome day playing and some errands that had to be done, we finished the day with a treat. PJ met us and we all went to see the new Disney movie called "Earth." All I can say is "Wow." For a nature lover or animal lover, its amazing. Do you ever watch your kids and think, "YES! I think you might actually understand!" Tonight I had one of those moments. I am so happy to say that I don't think either of our kids take the gift of this creation for granted. They both love and are blown away sometimes at how amazing our world is.

That's all for now! Until next time....peace, love and sunshine!!!!

Family: Dipstick!

I'm sure I'll post a more thought provoking entry later this evening. (It seems that is when I really do my pondering!) But for now, here is a little story that may make you smile!

Don't you just crack up at those people who always seem to use the wrong words? Or mix their cliches? I do that. Often. I'll say something like "I feel like a hundred dollars" instead of a "million." Its hereditary, too. My Mom tried to quote Forrest Gump and said "Momma always said life is like a bowl of cherries" instead of "box of chocolates." Well, the proverbial apple doesn't fall far from the tree. (Ha! See...got that one right!) Indira said something silly with her Daddy in the car the other day. Once she caught herself she said, "I know, I'm a shit-stick." PJ was stunned. He started cracking up! He then said, "Indira, I have never called you a shit-stick!" She knew she had used the wrong word at this point and replied, "I mean...DIP-STICK!"

While I am not proud to admit that we sometimes call our children dip-sticks while joking around, I can honestly say that we do not call them shit-sticks. I don't really know where shit-stick came from. I don't know that I care...it was hilarious.

Until next time...peace and love....