Thoughts on FAITH, FAMILY and FAT!

The Adventure Continues...in St. Augustine!

2011-05-02T20:08:00.000-07:00

As promised, I will give you an update on our Ghost Hunt last night. It was quite possibly the best money we have spent since we left Muncie! Definitely worth the $40 for the whole family. But, truly, yesterday was just about perfect! I have already told you that we enjoyed the fort at St. Augustine immensely. It was really cool to think of standing in one of the oldest cities in the United States.

The fort at St. Augustine

But I digress. I am supposed to be writing tonight to give you an update on our Ghost Adventure! I worried, a lot, about Drew. I just wasn't sure if he was old enough. I didn't want to scar him for life! What if he got so scared that he didn't want to sleep? But he does watch Ghost Hunters on t.v. I really thought he would be okay...

And I was right! He loved it! Almost as much as Indira did. She really enjoyed it! Let me give you the details...

So we made a reservation for the Ripley's Ghost Tour for 8:00 pm last night. We paid about $40 for all four of us and met this lady at 7:45 to give us our "gear." (This consisted of a disposable camera and a K-II meter.) At 8:00 our tour guides gave us our instructions for the K-II meter. Evidently, it measures electromagnetic frequency, which "ghosts" give off! It all seemed kind of funny to me, but in a weird way, kind of real? I don't know. Not sure I am a believer, but not positive that I am not either!

We boarded the trolley and the tour guides told several "ghost stories" about St. Augustine. Some were pretty interesting. Definitely entertaining! We made several stops to do our own investigating.

Indira & PJ following our tour guide through the streets of St. Augustine

One of the graveyards we toured. My picture caught "orbs." But I am pretty sure it's just dust!

After our tour of the various places throughout town, the tour guides brought us back to the Ripley's Museum for our final investigation. Apparently, the museum is the former house of two ladies who died there years ago. You can guess how the story goes, I am sure! This actually was a little scary. I was worried that Drew would get really scared in

this part. But he enjoyed it! We did go into one room that was rumored to be haunted (where the ladies died) and he was watching that little meter pretty closely!

As we were walking out of the museum, when the tour was over, I could tell that the kids had a great time. I wish we could do it again! Drew had one comment, in particular, that was pretty funny. "Mom, my legs are shaking!" And they were.

This will probably rank up there at the top of our little family adventures. We have had a great time in St. Augustine! I am looking forward to coming back again sometime!

One more full day and then it is back to reality. That saddens me a little. As eager as I am to get to sleep in my own bed, we have had a lot of fun. Almost so much fun that I have forgotten about the shuttle launch! Not really, but close!

Until next time...

The Adventure! (That didn't happen...)

2011-05-01T14:58:00.000-07:00

So, as trusting and naive as I am, I can't seem to plaster across Facebook the fact that we are traveling. I figure the only people crazy enough to read my little blog are not interested in my house full of junk and wouldn't likely go and rob my house. However, I don't know my friends' friends, so I will leave our travel updates to blogspot.

Recently, my dear hubby came to me and requested permission (as if it was needed!) to go on a little adventure with his buddies to see the shuttle Endeavor launch it's final voyage from Kennedy Space Center. I obliged, but not without a mental tally mark for a future girl trip for myself! I was a bit jealous but even more so excited for him, knowing his love of all things NASA. It was a trip of a lifetime for him and he was "stoked." I prepared for my few days of the insanity of single parenting, which I will never feel I am capable of, and listened to his countdown to the adventure.

Then, the inevitable. One of the guys had to cancel. What do do? Find a replacement? Or "offer" to make the terrible, daunting trip to Florida with him? Of course I did the latter. Oh, and we could take the kids. I mean, after all...it is a trip of a lifetime and something I am sure my kiddos will remember forever. He had already made the arrangements for missing a couple of days of work, and we had not planned a summer vacation. So that was the plan. We were planning our adventure to see Endeavor launch on April 29th. Tickets were bought from E bay, as well as a parking pass. Checked in with school to make sure the kids were allowed to miss. Reservations made for a condo in St. Augustine, because after all, we were going to be in Florida. Might as well have fun and use it as a vacation!

Then the real adventure began. Roughly 900 miles of driving. Everything went fine. Until...

Drew realized he forgot his DS. Now, for some, I am sure this wouldn't be a particularly big deal. But, for Drew, this was major. For one, our "screen time" is limited in our household, for reasons that would require another blog post. Uninterrupted DS time was something to be excited about. And I reminded him to charge the DS several times, which he did. And left on the charger in his bedroom. Luckily his sister offered her pink DS for two whole hours, which was actually pretty generous!

Then, the DVD player in the car broke. New movies lay in the cellophane, waiting to be watched. But not by my darlings. It wasn't working. No movies. No DS for Drew. This may be a LONG 16 HOURS.

Drew, happy to be borrowing his sister's DS!

Thankfully, On Star provided a scenic drive for day 2 of driving, which made for a more interesting ride. (Day 1 travel was peppered with severe storms the evening before, so this was a welcome change!)

Our scenic drive through the Carolinas.

We arrived Thursday in tact. We survived periodic shouting matches, bickering, an embarrassing number of pit stops and the same top 20 songs repeated over and over on XM radio. The condo was nice. We can't afford luxury and won't pretend we can, so we were pleased with our little modest accommodations. Our "ocean view" is really a view of a parking lot, THEN the ocean. But I am not complaining! I can still sit on the balcony and see and hear the ocean. The sun was shining upon our arrival and it was a perfect 78 degrees! Life was good!

After going to bed pretty early, we were prepared for our trip to see the shuttle launch. Our drive time was 2 hours, but probably less than 100 miles. Traffic became quite heavy going into the different areas for shuttle viewing. Our tickets gave us admission to the Visitor Center, which was across the causeway. When I heard "Visitor Center" I thought of a fancy rest stop type facility. It was anything but that! It was amazing, really! Lots and lots to do! Hundreds of people of ALL different backgrounds, buzzing around with the same anticipation. Oh, and it would be awful to forget to mention the feeling of pride that swept over the crowd. Even in the traffic, we saw kids waving pictures of American flags out of their minivan sunroof! It was awesome to be there and waiting for such a cool event.

Welcome Sign to the Kennedy Space Center! We're here!

Then.

Without warning.

The dreaded NASA tweet.

The launch was "postponed due to a heater malfunction" until at the earliest Sunday.

We left the visitor center down, but still hopeful that we would see a launch. Maybe Sunday? We would have to "suffer" through a day of Florida fun, I guess.

Then another dreaded tweet later that day.

Maybe Monday?

So Saturday was spent at the beach and pool. Sand castles were made, a little more bickering and arguing (because it wouldn't be a family vacation if there wasn't any!) and we were having a great time. Sunday was going to be spent enjoying downtown St. Augustine. Our plan? The fort, Ripley's museum, and a Ghost Tour for the evening. As we were gearing up for the long day ahead of us, we received the final tweet....

At the earliest, May 8th.

We won't be going to the launch. At some point, we do have to get back to reality, right?

We were so disappointed. Then felt almost guilty for feeling disappointed! After all, here we are, taking a great trip with our two healthy kids. Grateful for the ability to even get to go! There is no option but to make the best of it and enjoy the blessings that have been given to us. I am grateful beyond words for the opportunity to do something fun with my family...always! Its still an adventure, just a different one!

Plugging their ears before the cannon fires!

Right now, I am "resting." We have had a full day already, and we are going back for more tonight! The fort at St. Augustine was very cool. We made it just in time for a re-enactment of a cannon firing drill. The kids thought that was pretty cool. I don't know how to review the Ripley's Believe It Or Not museum, except to say it was a bit overpriced, I thought. But fun, nevertheless. Tonight, we meet back at the museum for the Ghost Tour. I guess, there are many "haunted" spots in St. Augustine, so that should make for some fun entertainment! Let's hope it doesn't cause any bad dreams!

Check back tomorrow to hear how our tour went! I am a little nervous and wondering if I am teetering on the line of bad parenting for letting Drew go. If he is up tonight crying, I guess I will know for sure then, huh?

Ready for more in St. Augustine!

Year In Review: Part One

2010-12-20T16:50:00.000-08:00

Well, I had might as well go ahead and do another post similar to last year's "year end" post. It was nice to take a look later and realize what all we as a family had been through the previous year. Hmmm....where to start...

We started the year off with my working still at the school. It was an adjustment this past year that I never expected in a million years to be so difficult. I guess after staying home for eight years, you just are never prepared for the way that going back to work rocks your world. It was hard. It still is, even after a year and three months of working. I still feel like I will never get used to that lifestyle again. The rushing, busy, chaotic world that a working mother tries to manage. Life was busy before I was working outside the home. It didn't compare to the "busy" I feel now. Sometimes I wonder.....

The winter came and went with several school closings. Snow days. Delays. Cabin fever. Onward to spring...and we were ready for it! We had decided to try to sell the house. After a couple of years here, we were realizing that an office space for PJ is just much more of a need than we had thought. His schedule permitted him to work two days each week from home. Our house only had a dining room to use as an office, that does not have a door to shut. After the holidays, we were considering putting the house up for sale sometime in the spring.

We spent a wonderful week with my parents in Florida for spring break. It was a week chock full of creating memories that I will cherish forever, I'm sure. My parents crack me up, almost as much as the little retirement community that they live in does! We came back from spring break and one week later, our drama began. The house fire!

I wouldn't have enough space to blog all of the different lessons we learned during our little inconvenient stay in an apartment during our house remodel. It was only for a month! Yet, I felt more stress during that time than I had in a very, very long time. Two kids. Not at your home. Not your own bed or furniture, for that matter. Not your own towels, even! One bathroom. Kids sharing a bedroom. Tiny kitchen. Stinky apartment building. And yet, as inconvenient as everything was...we were so blessed that we even had that apartment! We were safe. Warm. Had everything we needed. It truly was a lesson in gratefulness. I will still never be able to fully grasp how well our kids did during that time. They were so much more flexible than I was! We tried to look at the entire month as an adventure and I think the kids did a great job at that! They didn't even fight very much while sharing a bedroom, which they were NOT used to.

After moving back in, we tried to get back to our "normal" as much as possible, so much so that we decided we would NOT move and just make it work at our house. (See previous post "It's a mansion to someone.") We went through the summer with the intention of staying. Speaking of said summer...

Not sure why, but for some reason, we decided to purchase another rental over the summer. Shortly after the house fire. As if there had not been enough stress in our lives! But what an adventure. (Again!) We purchased a house near Ball State and gained possession only days before the new renters were to move in. We rushed in and changed out carpet, completed some minor repairs, cleaned and handed over the keys. It was a whirlwind! It all just happened so fast! And it was fun!

I blinked and it was time for school to start again. My summer did NOT last near long enough. I felt I didn't enjoy any down time with my children. I was so grateful for the handful of times that we enjoyed Haley's and Joe's pool last summer. It was truly some of the best family time I had experienced in a very long time. So grateful for the generous heart that they both have to share something so fun with our family.

Back to school and back to chaos. It still hasn't become "normal" to me to work. I would be lying if I said I didn't miss my days of just being MOM and WIFE. I felt it was where I was meant to be. Does that sound crazy? I did, though. I enjoyed taking care of my family and our home. I didn't minimize at all the responsibility and never once felt the NEED to go to work. The job fell into my lap. But I have been so grateful for it. Because of it, I was able to get to know more people in the community than I ever would have been able to. And the extra income? Let's just say I feel a huge sense of accomplishment for the year 2010 when it comes to finances. We were able to pay things off, invest. Be smarter than we have been able to in a very long time. And I know it was all because of that opportunity! I am so grateful!

So in a nutshell? I am excited about the things we did accomplish. Bummed a little about the things I didn't. I feel like we focused on our fiscal health more than our physical health last year. The next year will begin with some focus on the latter of the two! We HAVE to make it a priority this year. It's time. The kids have had a decent first semester. Could have been worse...could have been better!

Which brings us to today....I am going to need a "Part 2" for my goals for 2011!

Keeping up with the Hankins'

2010-12-09T19:26:00.000-08:00

I have not blogged in over a month, and I am trying like heck to figure out why. Either it's a.) blogging is my therapy and since my life is so perfect right now, I need no therapy or b.) my life is so incredibly busy right now that I don't know if I am coming or going.

It's b.

I don't know where to start, but how about here....

I think that I was a "stay at home mom" during the wrong flippin' years! When your children are babies...they aren't really too busy. I mean, yes, you chase them around the house. But they don't have basketball practice. And volleyball practice. And Art Club. And field trips. And Cub Scouts. And crap to sell for school. And homework. And FRIENDS. I could go on. And on.

Right now. Tonight. On December 9th. I am wondering how in the heck my working mom friends do it. I mean, without losing their minds! I am overwhelmed beyond words. And I only have 2 kids! Not to mention the fact that my husband is amazing and I never feel alone in this whole process. Its truly a team effort, so again, I am wondering why this is so hard for me. Why can't I get it together?!?!

Here is my reality: I am tired. I don't have my Christmas shopping finished. My daughter is struggling in Math and I am trying to give her some extra attention and help with homework. We ate ham sandwiches for dinner because I didn't have it in me to cook tonight. My house is clean but only because my dear husband hired a cleaning lady to come 2x a month to help us keep up. That is downright embarrassing to me! Why can't I clean my own house? Why don't I have time?

Want to know what I miss????

I miss that little window of time when your kids are old enough to play with, talk to, have fun with. Easy to take to the grocery. Easy to hang out with while you are cleaning, visiting your grandparents, getting stuff done. Maybe even that little window of time when they are in Kindergarten or something. But not yet involved in 50 million things. Before Math started getting harder. When you didn't have to study for spelling tests. And AR books were read 3 or 4 times for the next day's quizzing.

After they have learned to read. But before chapter books.

You know....the time of Leapsters and Kidzbop. Disney movies. Dora. Car seats. Baths.

*sigh*

Why do I have this sneaking suspicion that one day I will be listing out all of the reasons I miss the ages that my kids are RIGHT NOW? I guess I just need to figure out how to handle the "newness" of where we are these days. Busy schedules. Working mom now. Things just change, huh?

Maybe I need to blog more. Maybe I have neglected the very therapy that has kept me sane....

Until next time (which really should be tomorrow, seeing as I am stressed to the max!)...get some rest, for crying out loud. 6:00 am will be here before you know it!

Somewhere in the middle....again....

2010-10-16T05:08:00.000-07:00

I get myself so worked up over some of the political debates out there, that I can barely see straight. And the thing is, I don't even feel a true loyalty to one particular side. For me, both political parties seem extreme and quite frankly, delusional sometimes. Often, I am watching one of "them" (and when I say "them" or "they," I am referring to the most visible representatives of both political parties) and thinking to myself, "Are they for real?" Imagine my surprise, and delight, when I heard John Stewart on Oprah recently say that he thinks most Americans are exactly where I am. Actually, somewhere in the middle. I am not alone!

I am not going to use this post to try to get you to appreciate John Stewart. He may a little more of an acquired taste! He can be a bit offensive to some, I would imagine. He's a comedian. And he makes me laugh. But sometimes, he's not just funny. He's just rational. Watch this clip first of his recent interview with Oprah. Don't want to watch? Here it is in a nutshell: He took one particular problem we have in this country, school shootings. (And this is definitely not a word for word quote.) This is a real problem, right? But the right may say to solve the problem of school shootings, we must begin to teach the Bible in school and post the Ten Commandments. The left would say to get rid of all guns, so that children couldn't gain access to one in the first place. In reality, neither solution works! And definitely not on it's own.

He goes on to say in the interview, that what we see on t.v. is only the opinion of a small percentage of the people in the U.S. You are really only hearing from about 20% of Americans and they are the extreme right, or extreme left. Those are the ones that make it on to t.v. (Because CRAZY makes it on t.v.!) The other 80% of Americans are somewhere in the middle. And you don't hear from us, because we are all working! Most Americans will say that they don't particularly love paying taxes, but they really do want a sewage system. When he made that point, I almost cracked up. How true!

Here is my issue: I will be the first one to raise my hand and say that there are many, many people in this country that are on assistance, and shouldn't be. I see it often. I work at an elementary school. But.

I have an 80-something year old, widowed grandmother on assistance in a nursing home. She dedicated probably half of her life to her church and various ministries. She has certainly led a full life of servitude. She is elderly and cannot take care of herself on her own now. Do I have an issue with my tax money helping her? Do you?

I know of someone else who began working when she was 15 years old. Always worked. Even during the school year in the evenings, during the summer. She is one of the most loving people I know on the face of this Earth. She is in her 40's now, was diagnosed with MS a few years ago and is now on Disability. Do I have a problem with my tax money helping her? Do you?

My father in law has a rare brain condition and has dementia. His confusion and agitation requires care from a staff that is trained to deal with illnesses like his. He will need assistance. Do you think he deserves it?

My point is, there are many, many people receiving assistance for legitimate reasons. I refuse to throw all government assistance out the window. And quite frankly, how do I know that one day I may not need help? I would love to think that the preparations that I am making for my own future are sufficient. I would love to think that I will remain healthy throughout the rest of my life. But the truth is, I don't know what tomorrow brings. Since when are we not proud to be a country that takes care of their elderly and helps the sick?

Do I know that there are people out there abusing the system? Yep. And I don't know what the answer to that is. I really don't. But I know that getting rid of all government involvement is not the answer.

I happen to like driving on paved roads. I send my kids to a public school. I have needed the assistance at some point in my life from the police, fire department or any other departments that tax money may support at a state or national level.

I guess I am just loyal to AMERICA. Not the right. Not the left. I have no interest whatsoever in tearing down one political party to make my own look better. That drives me crazy. I have no desire to yell, rant, judge and point the finger.

Oh, and even though I hate to see that money taken out of my 40 hour a week paycheck, I don't have a problem with security, protection, and even assistance.

Am I alone??????

Speaking Of Ultrasounds....

2010-09-14T17:32:00.000-07:00

My Drew had to have some tests run yesterday. I am not worried. (That won't do anything but make me crazy.) I truly think everything is fine, but his doctor wanted to just double check a few things. So away to Radiology we went. It was interesting...taking a child in to have tests ran. I thought about some of my friends who have children with health problems and immediately I felt humbled. For just a standard test, I was nervous. And again, I really shouldn't have been. His doctor gave me absolutely no reason whatsoever to be worried. I am not one to get consumed by worry, either. I have never thought it productive....going on and on about things you 1. have no control over and 2. may not even happen. When this little "test" came along, I tried like crazy to figure out why the room, the ultrasound, the whole thing really, affected me so greatly.

Then I realized that I really don't have the best track record when it comes to ultrasounds.

I have never gotten good news from an ultrasound.

It came over me like a rush of emotion. I remembered some of the strangest things about my ultrasounds for both of my pregnancies that ended so sadly. I remembered the doctor's facial expression when he realized something was wrong. It was so abrupt and so unexpected. I remembered the second pregnancy. Going into the office, just knowing for sure that this time was different. I remember the technician's face when she told me "it happened again."

Good Lord. Sometimes, I don't know how I am sane. When I look back at those times in my life and how I tried so hard to push all of the emotion aside, (only to let it resurface later) I don't see how I didn't just give up.

Isn't it funny how different experiences bring out some of the most vivid memories? And some of those memories, I really thought I had forgotten.

It almost makes me angry. I mean...here Drew is having this test ran. I am worried, but trying not to be. (Again, knowing that worry won't do anything.) And then, BAM! A rush of memories I had buried deep in my bank, not wanting to ever withdraw. That makes me kind of mad! I am just stubborn enough to be irritated at getting emotional when I don't want to be.

Sometimes, I guess I have to blog my way through learning my lesson. Throughout Drew's ultrasound and after, as I await the much needed phone call to tell me he is fine, I reflect on what I do know. I know that I am strong. I know that I survived a very difficult time in my life, emotionally. I know that I am more grateful every single day for a husband who "gets me." I know that my children....

Sigh....

I know that my children have been an instrument, used by God Himself, to teach me more lessons about love than I ever thought were possible. He certainly makes no mistakes! I will never have the words to explain what adoption did for ME. (Not the children we adopted.)

So, praise God for ultrasounds. And memories that we think we want to forget. Sometimes those are the most important ones to remember!

(Did I say I was angry earlier? See! I just have to blog my way through it!)

Drew Is Scarred For Life......Oops.

2010-08-31T16:40:00.000-07:00

**sigh**

I try so hard. Really, I do. I try to keep my kids sheltered from things that will cause them to be lying on a sofa someday, purging all of the dysfunctional aspects of life these days. But you know I fail sometimes. I am sure I will hear about this one someday.....

Shall I start with my intent? Why not? Always better to begin a parenting story with your good intentions, right?

I have been trying to help my kids, over the past year or so, learn more about God's amazing creation through many different ways. Hiking. Parks. Going new places. Learning about different cultures by trying new foods. I am determined to foster an environment where our creation is appreciated, and I have really kept outside of the mainstream world while doing it. I haven't focused on the game systems, big budget concerts, high ticket adventures as much this last summer. We are just more of a low key family, I think. It works for us. But when the Disney movies came out ("Earth", "Oceans" and "Babies") we were all excited for those. We are a Discovery channel family, so these were really cool to us. Documentaries about things we love.

The other day, we chose to watch "Babies." According to the little blurb describing the movie on On Demand, the documentary followed the first year of life for four babies. They were from Japan, Mongolia, U.S. and Africa. Now. I SHOULD have looked into the movie a little more closely, so I could have been prepared. I didn't. I didn't read anything about the PG rating for "cultural and maternal nudity throughout." Not "mild." Not "brief." "THROUGHOUT." Nope. It was about babies, for crying out loud! How did I know there would be too many boob shots to count! Now, as an adult, (and a straight woman) I didn't notice. I had even had a conversation with Indira one time about breastfeeding when we had some friends who had a newborn. She remembered and really was fine. I don't think it phased her. At all. She's nine. And a girl.

Drew is six and a boy.

It disturbed him. And I feel terrible about it. It was one of those situations when you don't know WHAT to do. Do I ignore it and hope he doesn't notice. Nope. Not going to work. ALL FOUR stories showed breastfeeding. No getting around that. And the African tribe that was followed? No shirts at all. Ever. What was I going to do? Tell him to leave the room every time we caught a flash of a nipple? I didn't want him to think anything was wrong, though. It was natural. There was nothing wrong with any of it, but I also didn't want him to be uncomfortable! I hate it when you don't know WHAT to do! Hindsight says.....I SHOULD HAVE READ MORE ABOUT THE DOCUMENTARY BEFORE VIEWING IT WITH MY SIX YEAR OLD BOY. Too late. And the part that stunk the most....the baby parts of the movie were amazing to him. He really enjoyed seeing how different cultures lived and watching those little babies! What did I do?

After a couple of boob shots, and seeing his face look a bit troubled....

I asked him to sit with me. I told him that I didn't realize this movie would show breast feeding. I then had a great opportunity to explain what that was and how cool it was for God to create the exact food a baby needs right there inside the mommy! It was great to see him amazed at a miracle, and breastfeeding is just that! Now, onto the topless African women....

What an interesting way to explain how cultures differ! I am pretty sure it still seemed strange to both of my kids to run around half naked. But still. An opportunity to talk about how JUST BECAUSE SOMETHING IS DIFFERENT OR STRANGE TO YOU....DOESN'T MEAN ITS WRONG. This was a great lesson for my kids. How cool it is that they respect different cultures!

The solution? After our paused break for the conversation, we went on to watching and Drew chose to turn his head when it showed any breastfeeding scenes. (We talked about how that was okay to feel more comfortable NOT looking.)

As terrible as it sounds, there were really only a handful of scenes. It wasn't some tasteless movie with nudity. It was no different than a National Geographic article. I just hadn't planned on handing Drew a National Geographic!

I hope this doesn't surface someday with a therapist. I truly tried to handle it the best way I knew how. I didn't want to overreact. I didn't want to ignore it, so we talked about it. Who knows if I did the right thing or not!

Until next time....read those ratings a little more carefully, would ya?

Chew on this....Part 1: Blockbusters and Christians

2010-08-25T16:35:00.000-07:00

As a Christian, I get frustrated sometimes. I try not to. I do.

My frustrations may be a little different than you might expect, though. See, whenever I hear of a Christian getting frustrated, its usually due to someone NOT following some rule that they think is on the No, No list. I often wonder, when this happens, where such list resides in the Bible. I hear LOTS of different rules that are LOOSELY tied to some crazy law from another time, but a real command? Let me share some with you. And stay with me, as all of my rambling truly will come full circle and make sense in the end. (Probably by Part 2 or 3!)

A few years ago, like 10, I attended a church that preached against the Harry Potter series of movies. It confused me. I didn't understand why this fantasy, really interesting and deeply creative movie and book was painted as such a dark and menacing force. It was make believe to me. I saw it as such. Everyone I know saw it as such. Yet, since it was "magic" and therefore of the "dark side" it was forbidden and preached against. But. You WERE allowed to watch Star Wars. I don't get it. Wasn't Star Wars equally magical? How about Lord Of The Rings? (Also permitted.) I was so confused.

Fast forward a few years and here comes "The Da Vinci Code." Ahhh, hell no! You KNOW some Christians were going to get FURIOUS over this one! This rocked their world and freaked EVERYONE out. I even jumped on the bandwagon. I was so scared to think that someone was taking my beloved story of Jesus and tainting it by changing it up without Biblical backing. I was furious and even purchased a study guide to be used by the church to point their members to the truth when faced with such a horrific story.

Then, along came "Twilight." I still can't figure out why churches banned "Twilight." Its fiction. It was a love story about a teenager who, by the way, did not have sex until she was married. She was torn between her love for a werewolf and love for a vampire. Ummm. Its pretty easy to see that it was fiction. But, all things magical being "dark", this had to be thrown into the No, No vat and left for mere sinners to enjoy.

And now. The entire reason this post came to my mind...none other than "Eat, Pray, Love." What, you ask, has prompted my need to vent? Of course, Facebook. It seems that the much talked about movie with Julia Roberts is the newest hot button for ultra conservatives. Evidently, it has made it to the No, No List so we must of course announce our disgust on Facebook. I can only imagine its because Julia Roberts' character spends much of her time praying, learning how to be still and quiet so that she can hear God speak to her, learning how to forgive, learning how to be selfless....wait a minute. Yes, those are the things we want to make sure no one watches because its awful. All that prayer, right?

Here is where it gets really funny....

Regarding our friends at Hogwarts, or "Harry Potter," the same church has actually stopped preaching against it. I'm pretty sure its "allowed" now. This confuses me even more. If it was wrong, how is it not wrong now? Is there a process one must follow to get something taken off of the "No, No List?"

I am pretty sure there is. After all, that is how my former Christian school has now begun to allow pants, many Pentecostal women can now wear make up, women can now leave their legs and arms uncovered (unlike the 1800's when it was customary to stay covered.) We can now cut our hair as women....wear long hair as men (only if you are a cool Christian, though) and FINALLY we, as women, can wear jewelry! (Everyone knows that the New Testament clearly warned against this.)

I am hoping that you are now seeing my point. If I had 12 parts to this post, I could go on for days about things changing and how one day something is forbidden and 10, 50 or 100 years later it is somehow "okay."

"The Da Vinci Code?" Wow. That was a great movie. It never, once, stated that Jesus was not real or minimized any sacrifice! It was a mystery about the period of time that was NOT documented in the Bible. If the truth be known, the only reason we are all so clueless about His life during that time MAY be because so much of the Bible was not ever passed on because it wasn't approved by Catholic leaders at the time! But, I digress. "The Da Vinci Code" did not offend me. It was fiction. It didn't shake my faith or ruin any picture I had of who I believe is my Savior. It didn't.

"Twilight" was "Twilight." A young person's drama with some special effects and fantasy added. I will never understand why it made it to the "No, No List." Forever trying desperately to figure that out. Folks clearly forming opinions on something they know NOTHING about. It was a book. Then a movie. Its not that deep. It deserves the following it has for the sheer fact that it was written to suck you in to a story! I, personally, have chosen not to allow my daughter to see it YET because of her age. The subject matter, as the story goes along in later books, is not appropriate for her age. She doesn't know what sex is yet, so I don't see the point in watching a movie about how someone is waiting to have it. Just my opinion, though. You are entitled to your own!

And finally...."Eat, Pray, Love." Oh, the mother of all "No, No's." I already explained it. I just don't get it. I loved the movie and thought it was really thought provoking. It made me think. Think about how I never shut up long enough to listen. Think about how I should just relax and BE. I really don't see anything too controversial here. Regardless, it made the list.

So, chew on this...as my final thought:

A lot of these movies made the list when there wasn't even really anything too controversial. It was one person's, or one group's opinion and it spread like wildfire without too much to back it up. Am I the only one who has ever jumped on a bandwagon, only to stop and realize I didn't understand why I was on it? Am I the only one who gets frustrated with the "do this, don't do that" rules of Christianity because SO MANY of these get taken off of the list eventually, anyway? And its quietly, as if no one notices!

If you told me not to do something 10 years ago and now its okay, why should I listen? I had myself feeling guilty in high school for wearing jeans, only to find out the very same school now allows it!

Christianity should not be confusing. Its not a "No, No List."

Until next time.....I have some movie recommendations for you!

Surprisingly Calm? Kind of!

2010-08-04T19:49:00.000-07:00

Well. Here we are. It's that time of year, again. BACK TO SCHOOL!!!! This tends to be a pretty hectic time for everyone, I think. But this year is a little different for me, personally. This is my first year as the school secretary, so I am working on getting 423 students registered. Its been.....busy, to say the least. I guess I have decided that all I can do is my best. I am 100% sure I will make some mistakes, but I am guessing that anything I screw up can be corrected! (Let's hope.) Its just hard to see people have to wait in line! I am sure they are looking at me and wondering why I don't help our treasurer out once my line has thinned out and hers is snaking through the lobby. But they have no idea that if I tried to interfere with her system of collecting the money, it would cause a million issues with her balancing. But that's ok....

And I am positive that they aren't trying to be mean to me, personally, when they aren't happy with the teacher that was assigned to their child.

And of course they know that I have nothing to do with book fees, right? Or why they must fill out forms at our school when they filled some out last year.....at a different school.

And just for the record, I am pretty certain each of those people in line deeply care whether I will get a lunch break or not. Right? Riiiiiggght.

I've been yelled at. Sighed at. Growled at and lied to. I've seen eyes rolling. Listened to babies screaming. Kids arguing. Parents arguing. Had to pee so badly at one point during a busy time that I thought I had waited too long! (Good thing I walked away from the line finally and made it!)

But through out all of it, I am surprisingly calm. By my standards at least! I really haven't been too entirely stressed out! And I don't know why! Well, maybe I do.....

I adore the folks I work with. And you know what......that is HUGE! And you know what else? The cranky folks that I have dealt with at registration...they are definitely the minority! For each fussy person I have dealt with, there have been 20 great people to deal with. They are the ones that keep you going. And when I feel the stress kicking in, I just have tried to remember the "big picture."

I know that sounds so cliche. But seriously. At the end of the day, I can't control anyone's actions or attitudes, but I can control my own. Honestly, when I do look at the "big picture," its just not that important. Don't get me wrong. I do take my job seriously, but wow! I can't get hung up on whether someone is upset over their teacher! I have other things on my mind.....

I have 1 husband. 2 kids. 2 cats. 6 acres. 2 rental houses. I work full time and am now...officially....a student again. I have absolutely no room for drama. If it rears it's ugly head, I will probably just smile at it, say "oh....I am so sorry.....," and move on. Not trying to sound insensitive. But drama....I just don't have time for it.

So I think I will have a little glass of wine tonight before bed, get started on some light (sarcasm) reading and let today's events just kind of drift away. Cheers to keeping things in perspective and wish me luck on keeping my stress in check over the next couple of days....

The place is a dang zoo....and I love it!

Do You Believe In Omens? (Part 2)

2010-07-28T21:16:00.000-07:00

So I hesitate to even write about this experience. I mean, its going to sound silly, for sure.

I wrote recently about my love of the last book I read, "The Alchemist." And I am sure that I rambled on and on that the point of the book, really, is about finding your "treasure" or following your dreams. (At this time, I would highly recommend my last post as a prerequisite to this particular post.....this will make much more sense.)

It was just such a highly motivational book for me, as I am embarking on a new journey myself. Or journeys, really. It has forced me to reflect on my life and really see how all of my twists and turns throughout have brought me HERE. Right here, exactly where I am supposed to be. If I wasn't supposed to be HERE, I wouldn't be. Funny, huh? When you really think about it. I know that almost sounds a little silly to act as if that is such a profound statement. But when you really accept that all of your decisions, good and bad, bring you to exactly where you are supposed to be, it really is liberating! I mean, to let go of guilt from poor decisions, that...that is a great thing. Even those bad decisions mold you into who you are today. That is just huge for me.

But anyway, again I digress....(there's a shock.)

The author spends a great deal of time talking about omens, as I have already mentioned! But more than that, I actually came to the realization that omens, or signs from God, are also revealed through your heart. What is your heart telling you? (And here is where I differ from a whole slew of Christians who can't stand the thought of Christianity being ANYTHING about your heart, or love, for that matter. But that's a whole different post.) My heart NEVER leads me astray. I am so serious when I say that. My heart doesn't encourage me to abuse alcohol, treat people unkindly, rob any banks, steal from my neighbor, and anything else like that. In fact, its my heart that encourages me to do the right thing. I wish I was perfect and always listened.

The day after reading the book, I was showering when I kept thinking of what my heart has told me to do, career-wise. I have had some "dreams" that I have not allowed to become reality. I guess, out of fear. Not being brave enough to ignore what others may think about your dream. As I am washing my hair, shampoo flipping around, deep in thought, I notice a shape on my shower wall...

And there, a perfect heart shape on my wall. My hair and soap! How crazy! I couldn't believe my eyes. And it wouldn't be a big deal had I not been thinking about what I was thinking about. I mean....I can make some pictures out of clouds! I can find a dog, rabbit, face in anything! But how strange is it that a perfect HEART shape appears when I am standing there thinking so intently about following my heart?!

Of course I took a picture. It was cool. I felt a sense of peace about my desire to follow my dreams. I don't know if it was a sign or not...but here is what I do know. If we are always so quick to dismiss everything that happens, how will we EVER recognize God speaking to us?

My plan is follow my dream. There are things that I have always wanted to do, but was too scared. I am going to do those things. If I fail, at least I won't live the rest of my life wondering what would have happened had I tried! I realize this all sounds hokey and silly. And I really could care less! I am the happiest I have ever been in my life and I truly believe it is due to following my dreams....

Until next time....

Do You Believe In Omens? (Part 1)

2010-07-20T21:41:00.000-07:00

What about signs?

Why, you ask?

So I just finished the book "The Alchemist." And I have to say....I was moved. I mean, its not often that I race through a book unless its a somewhat mainstream type of book. Some might even say, "lame." But honestly, I get sucked into the "Twilight" type books, just as much as the next person. And I am not ashamed to say that those kinds of books are extremely entertaining to me. Fictional, yes. Kind of hokey....yep. And they serve the purpose of entertainment quite well for me. But for some reason...the last time I went book shopping, I went for something completely different. I had heard of "The Alchemist" a few years ago, but quite frankly, I wasn't in the book-reading time of my life. It wasn't until recently,with my kids getting just a little bit older, that I was able to pick back up some of my old hobbies.

I can't really get too detailed about the book itself, but I can certainly tell you how it has affected me. The story is written like a parable. It reminds me of a Bible story. I wouldn't say that the writing style is necessarily amazing. Its been translated into a gajillion different languages. I often wonder when there are translations, how the book may have read in the original language. Who knows....I guess my point is that its not some literary masterpiece. Its really pretty simply written. But. The story is beautiful.

And I promise not to spoil anything...

It is about a young man, a shepherd, who is looking for the true meaning for his life. For his "treasure." Along the way, he has many, many opportunities to follow God's guidance. He meets several different people from different faiths. ALL of whom are an integral part of his journey. He is often confused, frustrated and weary. He questions the direction in which he is being led on more than one occasion. I felt like I was reading about myself! Obviously, I am not a shepherd. And not near as young! If only I had read this when I was in my 20's, though!

Throughout the entire book, the young man mentions listening to his heart and watches for God to speak to him though "omens" or signs. I started to wonder, as I read the book, how many signs I ignore. I have always felt that intuition is a God given gift. It is a way for God to speak to you. A feeling. A gut feeling. But sometimes, as much as I hate to admit it, I ignore my instinct. That frustrates me.

The day after finishing the book, I couldn't stop thinking about it. It is centered around following your heart. Going for it. When everyone else thinks your journey is silly or impossible, keep going. Looking deep inside to hear what treasures God has for you if you will only listen! As I was in the shower that morning, I kept thinking about following what is in my heart for my life. It has definitely been a crazy journey so far, but what is in my heart? What do I want from my life? This was EXTREMELY easy for me to answer. I have always known.

I couldn't help but smile as I was thinking of my own goals and reflecting on what it will take to accomplish them and then....an omen? A sign? Or coincidence? A fluke? You decide...tune in for Part 2 of my story soon! And in the meantime, check out "The Alchemist;" if only to read the excerpt on Amazon!

How many "Day 1" posts can you have?

2010-07-07T06:37:00.000-07:00

I would imagine, if you have tried, unsuccessfully, to lose weight several times, quite a few! Nevertheless, that is where I am. Again. I am not quite sure how I can overcome so many times of adversity in my life and yet the battle of the bulge continues to defeat me. I refuse to rehash all of the times in my life when I have felt that I hit rock bottom. If you know me at all, you probably already know about them. If you don't, let's just say....I have suffered some loss. But seriously. Wouldn't you think that even trying to quit smoking would be harder than changing your eating habits? And yet...I was able to conquer the nicotine habit.

Bad habits. I have had my share. I even think you can let people in your life that are not necessarily good for you and these relationships can be like a bad habit. Letting go of friendships can be extremely difficult and I have had to do that. But food. Really? I have tried to analyze my "situation." And I think of it mostly as a laziness. And here is where I would probably offend most of the overweight community! I think that I have defended being overweight for years and made the argument that overweight people are NOT lazy. They may have all kinds of different problems that create the situation they are in. Metabolism, sure. But, also, emotional issues play a huge part in the whole mess! Anyway, I have preached until I am blue in the face that the overweight epidemic is not about laziness. But, I think for some of us, it is. By all means, not all. I am sure there are some medical issues out there. And ignorance. I believe that education can solve a plethora of issues in this country. But I can tell you this....I am already educated on food. I KNOW right from wrong. I am aware that sugar makes you fat! And FAT makes you fat! And yet I CHOOSE to continue to make the wrong choices when it comes to food.

The reality is....it takes more time to eat right! It does! It takes time in the morning to pack your lunch for work. It takes time to cut up a salad instead of popping a pizza in the oven. It takes much more time at the grocery store to read labels and buy the healthier choices. This is where the laziness comes in for me. I CHOOSE not to take the time to do what I know is right. And don't get me started about which is more expensive! Let me just say this....its cheaper to eat bad! Did you know that all four of us can eat "BAD" for about $12? At a restaurant? That's insane! And we wonder why our country is getting fatter and fatter!

But, here we go again. I am on Day 1 again. Yesterday, I went to the grocery and only bought 2 items with high fructose corn syrup. And both of them were for my kids because I want them to have SOME sense of what is considered "normal." (I'll blog later about my thoughts on the issue of high fructose corn syrup.) I bought, what I thought, was a very balanced mix of food. Some red meat, more chicken and turkey. Tons of fruits and veggies. A few splurges that I will have to practice portion control on! No soda.

Maybe I should repeat that.

No soda.

I am pretty sure its my nemesis. I love it so. NOTHING is better to me than a cold, regular COKE on ice in a GLASS. See, I am disturbed, right? But I am a soda lover. And I know its making me fat(ter.) So, for now, I am just going to enjoy soda when I am not at home. I figure that will decrease my intake drastically!

I don't know exactly why I feel compelled to share this part of my life. I mean, I SHOULD be embarrassed about my lack of control. But its my reality. We all have our struggles. My weight is mine. It has been for a very long time. I have had times in my life when it was a little more manageable. It doesn't happen to be one of those times right now. But I do ask that you pray for me as I try to develop some better HABITS! I need to spend my own time in prayer, of course. I think this is just one of those battles that I always see beating me before I ever really give it a real fight! I go into it feeling like I am going to fail! Why do I do that? (That is definitely a bad habit I need to stop.)

Look for more updates in the future. Maybe if I lose a million pounds, I will have a Valerie Bertinelli style before and after pic to share!

Until next time....

Just a little nugget....

2010-06-18T19:32:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I am about to write such a short blog tonight. I mean, typically I ramble on and on. I will sit and write all night if I can. But I don't have much to say tonight. Other than....I just love my kids!

See, I thought they fought ALL THE TIME. I thought they hated each other, really. I mean, they are constantly bickering. But lately. Lately, they seem to be getting along just a little bit better. Maybe its their age? Maybe its just out of sheer convenience? (Its not realistic to have friends over all the time....might as well get along?) Who knows. All I know is that the arguing has decreased substantially. And I like it. I hesitate to talk about it, though. I don't want to jinx it!

But here is what I heard tonight....(while eavesdropping in the hallway and peeking in!)

"Drewbie...come and sit on my lap for a second."
No answer. Drew just went over to Indira, who was sitting on her computer chair. He just hopped onto her lap as if he knew exactly what she needed. Once he got on her lap, she pulled the lever on the side of the chair to lower it. Down they went. He giggled a bit, got up and walked back over to whatever he was playing with.

I figured out that Indira is not heavy enough to lower her chair. So, every time she wants to adjust her chair, she tells him to get on her lap. I guess that the both of them together weigh enough! Now, for some reason, this was just too sweet! I mean...its so rare that they even have a kind word for each other, let alone HELP each other with something!

I want a lot of things for my kids. Happiness, success, fulfillment, good health...the list could go on for days. But tonight, my prayer is that they will continue to develop a strong relationship with each other. That they can be there for each other. I am very fortunate to have 3 siblings that I am close to. I know that they are there for me and love me, in spite of all of my many inadequacies. My hope is that they will have what I have!

Until next time....

"God was watching out for you....."

2010-06-09T18:05:00.000-07:00

Well, tonight's post will probably be one of my more thought provoking posts. I guess its been almost a month since my last blog, so I might as well come back with something "good." And by "good" I mean controversial. But I always feel I should start with some sort of disclaimer when I know people will disagree with my opinion. So here is my disclaimer....

I am grateful for every person who made the comment I am discussing tonight. I know that the intention behind it was good. I also am not trying to imply that God doesn't watch over us. I feel His presence in everything I do, see and feel. With that said.....

So when our house caught fire, there were a whole slew of actions that worked together to make the damage LESS than what it could have been. I know you have probably already read in previous blogs that my original plan on the day of the fire was to drive directly to my Grandma's nursing home from school. We only changed our minds when my sister asked that we pick up the book she was borrowing on our way to the nursing home instead of on the way after because she was afraid we would forget to stop and get it. So, a borrowed book led us to our house that day instead of the nursing home. But it was more than just that. I also left early that day, which is something I never do. Oh, and my sister, who is consistently 10-15 minutes late everywhere she goes, just so happened to be right on time that day. And I almost forgot that just a week prior to the fire, we were in Florida for Spring Break!

All of these "coincidences" led to us arriving right on time to catch our fire before it reached our attic. The fireman in charge told us that we were about 15 minutes from that happening.

Needless to say, when I tell our fire story, people automatically respond with, "God was really watching out for you guys!" I really can't tell you how many times I heard that. And while I appreciate the kind words, knowing the intent behind it, I can't help but think about those words. So what about the family who doesn't get home in the nick of time? Was He not watching out for them?

The ironic part is that shortly after our minor fire, and right around the time I started thinking about this, a large family in our community had a much worse house fire. And it was considered a total loss. And did I mention there are nine children in the family? I am sure God was watching out for them. Now, you might say, "Of course He was. They were all safe. He was watching over them. No one was hurt!" But what of the family who does suffer a loss of some sort? What if a family member had gotten hurt or worse yet, died in a fire? Does that mean that God was NOT watching over them?

Obviously not.

My thoughts are two-fold....

First off, I wonder how many cliches we use without really thinking. I mean, if you really think about the comment, you could easily be implying that if the results were different, He wasn't watching! Why do we say things that don't make sense? Do we just not pay attention? Are we really that programmed that we just blindly follow along with whatever other people say?

Secondly, I ALWAYS feel God's presence. NOT just in the good times. It is in some of my most desperate times that I feel closest to Him. I don't just feel his presence when I have been spared some horrible fate. I feel His presence when I DO struggle. I am always praying, thanking, praising. He is ALWAYS watching over me. That's a part of my faith that comforts me the most!

I am truly not trying to sound as if I don't appreciate the kind words. I just hope that maybe...just maybe...we can think of a couple of things when we hear those words in the future. First, a reminder to think about what we are saying! And second, to remember our promise that we are NEVER alone.

Until next time...

Movie Critic? Why Not!

2010-05-15T18:02:00.000-07:00

Ok. So I have shared everything from marital problems to political views. Religious beliefs to my own parenting struggles. Why not throw in the occasional, lighthearted topic? But you know I can't just tell you that I liked/disliked a movie. NOOOO. That would be way too easy! I am going to have ramble on and on about why...where I saw it....what I had to drink with my popcorn. (Pibb, thank you very much!) It wouldn't be a Brandi blog without ALL of the details!

So last week, PJ and I took the kids to see OCEANS, the Disney movie. It was similar to last year's EARTH that was released on Earth Day. Its mainly a documentary, Disney-fied. And that means a huge budget, I would imagine, and an AMAZING production, overall. Let me just begin by saying that our family is kind of nerdy when it comes to t.v. and movies. We LOVE Discovery channel, Animal Planet and TLC. Don't get me wrong...we watch our share of Disney channel and Nick. But we seriously enjoy the nature stuff! So recently, when the second of these Disney documentaries was advertised, we couldn't wait for it to be released.

Let me just start by saying that neither of my kids moved the entire 90 minutes. No one had to use the restroom. No one fidgeted or talked, except to say, "Cool" or "Awww!" And they are six and nine. One would think that a documentary would get boring. It wasn't. It was amazing. The footage was breathtaking and my only regret was not seeing it at a better theater, like Hamilton Town Center's IMAX theater. But anyway....

The movie.

It really gave you an up close look at one of the most intriguing parts of our planet. OCEANS was amazing! It had footage of some of the most interesting creatures that I have never even heard of! Animals I didn't know existed. And the dolphin and whale scenes were just cool. If you ever have the opportunity to see it, you definitely should. (Although I am sure it will be different at home and not on a theater screen.)

But here is what I took from it...

Our world is just a miracle. What an amazing place our God has chosen to give us. Its nothing less than miraculous, how everything works together. The circle of life. The companionship between different species of animals. I teared up more than once. Out of sheer thankfulness and amazement. My prayer is that my children ALWAYS remember the gift that this Earth is to us. I know that some may say there is a liberal influence on the movie. And there probably is, if you think that taking care of our oceans is a liberal view. And I know with 100% certainty that not everyone will agree on all of the time-lines mentioned in the movie. But if you can....for one second....realize that you don't have to agree with all of the words spoken to appreciate the production, you will enjoy the movie!

I left the theater feeling blessed beyond words. Just plain thankful for what God has given us on this Earth and in our oceans. And my kids were equally amazed. They were in awe. Of God's creation! I love those lessons. What a surprise for a random Thursday night at the movies....Love it!

Its a mansion to someone.....

2010-04-28T18:04:00.000-07:00

So. I have blogged in the past about making changes. New opportunities. Feeling restless. And now. Tonight. I have a HUGE sense of just plain PEACE. I feel so connected. To my family. My community. I am trying to figure out why this house fire has given me such clarity I mean, if anything, it seems I would be so stressed out by now that I wouldn't even be able to think straight. But its really quite the opposite. Maybe I am just so ready to get back to my life, that I am forgetting about whatever restlessness I felt BTF. (Before The Fire.) Maybe, just maybe, I long for the life I so readily deemed "boring" just a short time ago. Maybe that house that lacked space, required too much maintenance and was void of any real storage is somehow, now, looking just a little more grand. Who knows? But here is what I do know....

BTF....

Our house lacked a home office and my husband happens to work from home. Often. This drove me crazy. The kids had to be sure to stay somewhat quiet while PJ was on conference calls and working diligently at a makeshift desk in our dining room. It was just so stressful....I thought. Until "the fire." Ha, ha, ha! It sounds so dramatic, when really it was such a little fire! But roughly $30,000 later and 30 days out of your house, a "little fire" turns into a BIG inconvenience! So yeah...our dining room/office seemed to be so annoying until you cram a family of four into a 2-bedroom/1 bath apartment. Now that dining room/office doesn't seem quite so inadequate!

Oh, and BTF....

I hated the fact that our house doesn't really have a master bedroom to speak of. I mean, we have a master bedroom, with its very own bathroom. But we lacked closet space...and a larger, more modern master bathroom. It used to drive me crazy! I hated switching out my seasonal clothes because my closet wasn't large enough to just keep everything in there, all the time. And I HATED our 3/4 of a bathroom off the master bedroom! (3/4, meaning it only had a shower and not a full bathtub.) So yeah...again...that all seemed like a huge deal until "the fire." Now that we are living in an apartment and sharing ONE bathroom, I long for my additional 3/4 of a bathroom!!!! And, after living on about a week's worth of clothes that I have just kept laundering and re-wearing, I realize that I don't wear about half of what I had. And you know what???? This apartment smells weird! It has the strangest, onion-y, 'someone is making something for dinner that doesn't smell tasty' kind of smells. I want my house's smell. Candles and reed diffusers, clorox wipes and downy. But I digress....

One last thing. BTF....

I didn't care about moving out of our community. I didn't feel attached to anything. No real sense of belonging to speak of. I just wanted a bigger house. All the amenities. But now...things are just different. I can't tell you how much it has meant to us to have such kind neighbors. I haven't felt this sense of "belonging" for a very, very long time. I always looked for it. In Indy. Fishers. I still, to this day, blame a lot of our moving around on looking for that. That sense of community. Of where we just belong. I hesitate to say it...but I think I kind of feel that. I tried to shove it aside and still move forward on my quest for the greatest house to live in. And I think we did find it. The actual house, that is. It just required more money. Leaving Daleville. Leaving a community I was kind of feeling attached to. Somehow, it just didn't feel "right" anymore. Who knows why, really.

But here is something else I do know! Our house is 2155 square feet. It was just remeasured during all of this drama, so I know the accuracy for once. (There were different numbers given when we bought it.) Now. To some, I am sure, that seems small. There is no grand entrance, sweeping staircase, soaring ceilings. No high end appliances. Designer fixtures. Cool tilework. Really, its just pretty average. Probably pretty plain. But here's the thing...to a person with 3500 square feet, my house is small. To the person with 900....(like the apartment I am in right now) its huge. Its funny how we all just have a different perspective. Or perception. Both, I guess. And its really about how we CHOOSE to see our surroundings. After all...its just "stuff" anyway. It certainly doesn't define us.

And its really more than enough.

I am sure my grumbling may return someday, when I have forgotten this little adventure. And I am sure that God will bring a gentle reminder to help me focus on the important things in life again. (But, for the record, I am perfectly fine with a good movie, a great book, even a story of a good friend as the reminder next time!)

But until then...let's just stay put and enjoy the riches we have been given. After all....its a mansion to SOMEONE!

Maybe I'm not cut out for Facebook????

2010-04-25T18:25:00.000-07:00

The latest and greatest group to join has really hit me.

"Dear Lord, this year you have taken my favorite actor, Patrick Swayze. You took my favorite actress, Farah Fawcett. You took my favorite singer, Michael Jackson. I just want you to know that my favorite President is Barack Obama. Amen."

Ok. Well. Shoot. So, I hate to complain. Really. If you only knew how many of my friends joined this group....or became a fan of this page...or whatever. But I just can't....let....this.....go!!!!!! And I promise I am not judging those who joined. I still love you. I do! But please just hear me out!

I don't think its nice to wish anyone dead. I'm serious! Why in the world would you wish a person dead? Really. Dead? That's a little much, don't you think? And its not like this isn't a real person. Or someone who has committed heinous crimes against you. He has a different opinion. But he is a person. With a family. A wife. Children. And you really want him dead? Wow.

I guess I just don't understand some people's sense of humor. A mock prayer on Facebook wishing for our president's death is a little strange to me. I mean....I couldn't STAND George Bush. Or his Daddy. (Or Mom, for that matter!) But I NEVER wished him DEAD! And I still do not. I don't happen to agree with his viewpoints. But I still respected him as my president. And that's what is kind of funny to me. I would be considered a "liberal" by most people's standards. And what I hear often is that "liberals" are so unpatriotic. Yet...I can show respect to my President, even though I may not agree with him or may not have voted for him. I don't wish him DEAD and I don't forward nasty email rumors around about him. BUT....SOME conservatives can bash anyone who doesn't agree with them...to the point of wishing someone dead, I guess. Who is more patriotic?

I understand political discussions can get heated. The last election got so ugly I almost wished I had not cared. BUT....in spite of the ugliness, I was proud to watch election coverage in my country and see that some people are finally moving past racism. Regardless of how you voted...it was a huge day for our country. As is this presidency. Do I agree with Barack Obama on all issues? Nope. I'm not a big fan of the health care bill....especially since the little student loan addition was thrown into it. (Sallie Mae has put food on our table for the last 14 years! I can tell you that this change was NOT good for us!) And you know what? It's ok if you don't agree with that! Its my opinion and I don't happen to think that anyone who disagrees with me is stupid! Or evil. Or worthy of my prayers for death for that matter.

Anyway. That's my rant for tonight. All in love...really. Can't we all just get along? Seriously? Even John McCain didn't want that one crazy lady talking smack against Obama during that town hall meeting. He knew that some of what was being said was getting a little out of hand. As is this stuff now. Our country is NOT what it was. But when was it really good? I mean...without homelessness, a deficit, debt, etc. Its best just to remember that...

1. It didn't get this way overnight.
2. Its not ONE person's fault.
3. Its not ONE political party's fault. BOTH have had their hand in screwing things up.

And most importantly...

4. Joining a facebook group wishing for your President's death isn't going to solve anything.

That's all for tonight....join me later this week. I'm really looking forward to trying to understand why people still fly Confederate flags....Go figure!

Lessons at Walmart: What NOT to wear?

2010-04-19T18:34:00.000-07:00

So I lied. I am such a tease! This isn't a funny post about some crazy get up found on a Walmart shopper. (The People of Walmart website can provide you with HOURS of entertainment, though!)

No, really. I was trying to figure out what to name my post and couldn't come up with anything more than "Lessons at Walmart." It just sounded like maybe I would have went the "What NOT to wear" route! Actually, I did have an opportunity to talk to my kids about something that is really important to me. And of all places for this to come up? None other than, Walmart.

It all started when we were leaving Walmart and the door greeter happened to be an elderly lady. I have seen her before and there is just something so sweet about how she always says "Hi!" She always seems so sincere. Looks you in the eyes. Anyway, as we are leaving, she does the typical "Have a good day!" And I notice my kids don't even look at her. I didn't even look at her. I just grumbled a little "thanks," as if I was saying, "yeah, yeah....bye." I was in a hurry. As usual.

And that's when it hit me. How many people are we in contact every day that we could influence positively? How many people could we be a light to, if we would only stop for one second and acknowledge them? How many people could we be a blessing to, if we only tried? I will admit, I try....really hard....to think about this at work. I think about every parent at the school that I come into contact with. I think about every student that pops their little face in my window each day. I think about my coworkers, the teachers, everyone. And you know what? Its hard! Parents can be....parents! Strong willed and opinionated when it comes to their kids! Of course they can....I can! And students can be....KIDS! Sometimes I don't WANT to be perky when they are obviously coming into the Nurse's office to get out of P.E.

But!

I hate going to bed and thinking about how I COULD HAVE shown kindness to someone that day and chose not to. That stinks. I COULD have been a light, a positive and not a negative part of their day. I hate regrets!

So why is it that I throw this attitude away when I walk through the doors at Walmart? Why am I not looking at that little old lady and thinking, "Acknowledge her. Smile at her. Talk to her. Encourage her."

When we got into the car that day, I spent a lot of time talking to my kids about how we can be a "positive" in people's lives. We talked about ways to treat people at school. Our teachers. Our classmates. We talked about different ways we can show people that we care. Little ways...like speaking to people, looking at them, acknowledging them, helping them. We took turns listing ways that we can brighten someone's day. And most importantly, how to be true and genuine. Not fake. Its not genuine to just make up a lie about liking someone's shirt if you really don't!

I hope we can continue our quest! I hope my kids will understand the importance of treating people with kindness and respect. All people. At school. At home. At Walmart.

Until next time...SMILE!

Why International Adoption?

2010-04-14T18:46:00.000-07:00

"After all, aren't there hundreds, even thousands of children here in the United States just waiting for a loving family to take care of them?"

If I had a dollar for every time I have heard this, I would be a rich woman. In fact, some people are downright offended at the thought of us daring to take care of another country's child before adopting one of "our own." And don't get me started on the term "our own."

Wow.

I never dreamed that when deciding to blog on this topic my mind would be swirling so quickly that I honestly do NOT know where to start. But let's start here: This particular topic is really much bigger than just international adoption. Its so much more than that, when you get to the root of what people are actually saying when they make comments like the one I mentioned. I guess I'll just start with this little nugget to ponder...

Isn't a person, a person? What exactly determines WHO is worthy of love, compassion and care? Oh...its GEOGRAPHY! (See how silly that sounds?) And here is where I really get frustrated...there are a LOT of folks who are negative about international adoption who are Christians. Let me go here again....by definition a Christian is a "Christ follower." Newsflash: Jesus was not from the United States. I don't think He ever mentioned taking care of just "our own" when He implored us to care for orphans and widows. In fact, He even commanded us to love our enemies but I can't go there in this blog.

So yeah, I think we can rule out the thought that we are to only adopt from the United States when we look at things from a Christian perspective.

But what about the social and political twists and turns that seem to pop up?

Well, maybe we should check the facts. This IS the United States. We don't have children lying in orphanages unable to get antibiotics and suffering needlessly. We have a system where NO CHILD has to go hungry. We have foster care, welfare, food stamps, medicaid, free lunch and more. Like it or not, that is our country. I am not saying that no child DOES go hungry. But we all know that issues like that are much more complicated. Usually there are family problems that adoption will not solve. Truth is, we have waiting lists in this country to adopt a baby. There are more prospective parents than there are babies available. And before you bring the "there are plenty of older children available" logic, let me just give my two cents on that...

Not everyone is equipped to deal with some of the challenges that come with adopting an older child. Does that mean I am against older child adoption? NO WAY! I just believe in my heart that those who feel led to go that route, do.

So what to do if you are NOT in the position to handle the challenges of an older child? And, oh by the way....there are THOUSANDS of children in other countries in need of a home. I would imagine you might consider international adoption. This is only my thought process. I know for a fact that many other families that I know that have adopted internationally have very different means of coming to their decision. My point is this...

Families that adopt have many different reasons for going the route they go, whether domestic or international. For our family, in particular, it was the right decision. We had suffered the loss of TWO stillborn babies before deciding to adopt. Our little Indira was waiting for us in Kazakhstan. We needed her as much as she needed us...which brings me to this:

Most families I know that chose international adoption have felt the peace and direction of God throughout their decision making. It wasn't about skipping off to some other country to buy a baby. It was about feeling led to love a child that was out there somewhere. For us, Kazakhstan first, and then here in Indiana.

But to go back to the political thing....

I hate to do this. Really, I do.

But when are we going to realize that we as Americans are no more entitled to life than anyone else? Since when are we the chosen nation? Why should we take care of "our own" before taking care of ANYONE ELSE? I understand supporting your economy. Buy American! Sure....there has to be a level of support in order to thrive economically. But come on people! These are human lives! A child who happened to be planted in another country is no less worthy of love and care than one who happens to be planted in the US! As a HUMAN, we should celebrate any time a child finds a family, regardless of GEOGRAPHY!

I'm afraid that this level of superiority, elitism, if you will, separates us. Your brothers and sisters in Christ are not just American!

So now, I will step down from my soap box. It doesn't happen often...this frustrated, almost angry type of post! But every once in a while, I have to just get it off my chest. Purge my feelings and hope that while my intent is not to just change everyone's mind to match mine...I can at least give another perspective. You may disagree with me, still. But maybe you can at least TOLERATE another viewpoint after reading my thoughts!

Until next time....here's to celebrating not just diversity, but actually the things that are the same between us!

The Fire Diaries: Part 3...It happened, we snapped!

2010-04-11T12:14:00.000-07:00

I think its kind of comical that I pride myself on keeping a positive attitude in the midst of a whole lot of negative going on around me. The reason its funny is because ANYTIME you PRIDE yourself on anything, chances are you are going to get a lesson taught at some point. Hmm, what do I mean....well, here:

I have said it. Felt it. Lived it. Positive thinking during the times of negative "stuff." I make it my mantra to find the good in times of adversity. To see the cup as half-full. I am a die-hard, self-proclaimed, to the point of annoying sometimes, OPTIMIST. I hate focusing on the negative and I refuse to let ANYTHING get me down. Or so I thought.

Yesterday, I lost it. I mean, kind of went a little nutty even. Loco.

I have this pet peeve of people yelling at their kids in front of people. I just kind of think, its your business, not mine. I don't want to hear you scream at the top of your lungs at your kids, and am pretty sure you don't want to hear me, either. I would classify myself as a closet yeller. I try not raise my voice. It happens. BUT....not out in the front yard for the neighbors to hear. Now, my husband, on the other hand....

He is one of those "I am not trying to impress anyone, so why should I pretend I don't yell at my kids" kind of people. If something the kids are doing warrants something stronger than a "now kids....," chances are, he will raise his voice. And he is much more of a disciplinarian than I am. But yesterday. Oh, yesterday. The kids were pushing us BOTH to our limits. They were arguing over EVERYTHING. Just bickering. Finally, after arguing while trying to play basketball, I said, "That's it. Go clean out the van. There is plenty to do for both of you. If you can't get along while playing, let's just work then." Now. Did I really think cleaning out the van would magically make them start to get along? Who knows. I was desperate. We were out at our house TRYING to clean up the yard and simultaneously do a few loads of laundry with my washer and dryer. Surprise, surprise. The arguing begins again. This time, PJ is riding by on the tractor and sees it. He kind of went a little overboard. The next thing I know, I am in the backyard and I can hear him yelling at the kids. Loud! It had to be loud for the kids to hear him over the tractor. I turn to look next door and who is outside? Of course. Our neighbors are out front. With company. Do I have to even say anymore? You already know that I lost it. He lost it with the kids. Now I am losing it with him.

I just grabbed my keys. Shut the hatch on the van. Told the kids to buckle up. This whole time PJ is staring at me like I am crazy. I think I had some choice words. I won't repeat those. I know they were quiet, though! (Not so quiet that PJ couldn't hear!) I do remember saying something like, "I can't believe you would yell at the kids that loud and embarrass me like that! They are outside! They have company! I am the school secretary and they are on the school board! People are probably going to start talking about me!!!!"

Now. I am just cracking up about this today. But at the time, it made perfect sense to get that upset. First of all, PJ isn't abusive or anything. But yeah...he's a yeller. Not the most patient guy in the world. But neither am I! I am not about to start calling the kettle black!!! There really is no reason whatsoever for me to get that upset. Except the fact that...he knows it bugs me. We have had the conversation more than once about yelling at the kids outside. I guess I just felt like maybe he didn't care how I felt about it, so he did it anyway. Who knows. All I know is that I was mad. He was mad. And I drove off in my van and told him to call me when he was ready to be picked up.

Could it be...by chance....maybe....

We are stressed?!?! Maybe our fuses are little shorter than normal? We may just be a little more short-tempered right now. Due to stress. Lack of sleep.

Sooooo, the negative HAS gotten to me, hasn't it?

Today, I am just thinking about how every time we think we have something conquered, we seem to get a gentle reminder. I will continue to think positive thoughts and see the good in everything. Look for the silver lining. BUT. I do want to watch myself. I don't want my words to be empty. I want to mean what I say. Walk the walk. Practice what I preach!

Until next time....LOWER YOUR VOICE!!!!!!! (Ha, ha, ha!!!)

The Fire Diaries: Part 2...Inside out and upside down

2010-04-09T14:52:00.000-07:00

Well. To say the very, very least, I feel out of sorts. To state that uprooting your family from their home and sticking them in a small apartment is inconvenient is the understatement of the year. Yet, I STILL feel so ungrateful for complaining about anything when it comes to our house fire. I feel as if complaining about how inconvenient everything has been seems as if I am ungrateful for what I DO have. Food in our bellies. Roof over our head. Warmth. Shelter. Everything we NEED. Its just that the line between WANT and NEED is so very, very fine. Sometimes I don't know where that line is. Its invisible or something. "I NEED new shoes. I NEED a new purse. I NEED to get my hair done." I could go on. And on.

But really. I just NEED to vent! This apartment is driving me nuts! Its small, yes. But oh my gosh. Its not the cleanest thing in the world. The kids' feet were dirty and I realized its the carpet. Wow. That's just gross. There are 4. Yes, 4. 4 washcloths. 6 towels. The sheets keep slipping off of the mattress. (Ewww.) And I am not sleeping worth a crap. The bed is not comfortable. I wake up so tired still from the night before that I don't know what I am doing. What do I mean? Let me tell you....

Last night, I went to take off my bra to get my jammies on. I could NOT find the hook. What in the world? Why can't I get my bra OFF? As I am wrestling with myself and twisting my arms in ways behind my back that I didn't know was possible, I cannot figure out why I can't unhook my bra. Then it came to me. My bra was on inside out. The hooks were on the inside and I could not figure out how to unhook them. Now, don't ask me HOW I got it on in the first place. I have no idea. But, I do know this: I am NOT myself right now. Not my schedule. My routine. Its ALL off! Who knows if anyone could see my bra tag through my white blouse. Maybe! Oh well...They probably got to see my generic Fruit of the Loom bra that I had to buy at Walmart the other day to give myself a few extras while I was rewashing ALL of my other underclothes!

Point is...life just kind of FEELS inside out. Or upside down. Something. Not our "norm." I wish I could be a little more laid back about it and not notice my little inconveniences. But the truth is, its hard to be uprooted from your home with your family regardless of how lucky you are that it wasn't worse! It does put some interesting things into perspective for me, though. I have thought a lot about other fire victims, (what I would consider "real fire" victims!) flood victims, even those affected by Katrina. I still praise God each day that things weren't worse.

But....I am allowing myself to acknowledge that this whole mess has been difficult. Its o.k. to be a little out of sorts. Its o.k. that I don't have it 100% together right now. I am realizing that the important thing for me to focus on is PROGRESS. I don't have to guilt myself into making this "not a big deal." But I also don't have to focus on all of the inconveniences, either.

Until next time...just forward!

The Fire Diaries: Part 1

2010-04-04T16:18:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it has taken me this long to actually sit down to blog about our recent drama. If you know me AT ALL, you know that I feel compelled to purge any significant, or insignificant information almost as soon as it happens! I ramble on and on about the most mundane topics, yet, I can't seem to find the words to even describe our most recent events. Its only now, that our little two-bedroom apartment we are calling home is empty, that I even feel like trying. Since I know my rarely read blog is more for my own therapy than the entertainment of others, I really feel like I need to get it all off of my chest, so to speak. So, I guess, here goes....

Last week, (and I don't think I even know the day....maybe Tuesday?) our house caught on fire. If you have already heard the story, this may get boring. But, like I said before, its really more for me! (And the sake of just documenting it for future reference!) On Sunday, my sister and I decided that my Grandma Shaw was past due for a visit. We had been trying to make time to see her separately and failed, so we thought if we planned it together we would actually follow through this time. We were going to see Grandma at the nursing home on Tuesday, after the kids and I got out of school. That day, I talked to my sister a couple of times on the phone and mentioned that if, by chance, she ended up running a little early, she could just meet me at the school. Since our school is right off of the exit, she wouldn't have to drive very far into town and I didn't mind bringing her back when we finished. But, this was kind of funny in itself. She NEVER runs early. We even chuckled a little when we said that, knowing the chances were slim to none that she would even be on time! But, to our surprise, she did run early! In fact, I even asked my principal if I could cut out about 15 minutes early to head on over to the nursing home since we had just found out that Grandma eats dinner at 5:00 in the dining room. I hated to spend the entire time just watching her eat! Of course, my understanding principal agreed to the 15 minutes and the plan was taking shape. Now we were leaving at 3:15 and heading to Grandma's.

When my sister arrived, we were spot on with our timing. Kids were with us and we were in the car a little past 3:15. And then the story took the turn that probably made the difference between my house still standing and being completely burnt to the ground. Lisa asked to stop and get the last Twilight book from me! She had read all of the others and was ready to end her series with "Breaking Dawn." Since we were doing so great on time and I hated to forget on the way back, I agreed to run into the house and get the book. The kids and my sister were not even coming into the house.

When I arrived home, Lisa noticed smoke coming off of our roof. I don't remember noticing that. All I remember is pushing the garage door opener and smoke coming out as the door raised. I can't describe my feelings other than saying exactly what kept going through my mind. "What the....What in the world? What the....." I walked over to the door that entered the house and put my hand on it to see if it was hot. When the door felt normal, I felt safe to open the door. So much smoke. I couldn't see a thing. There was no way in the world I was going to risk entering my house when I could barely see. I turned around and told my sister to call 911. At that point, I was worried that if it was something minor, I would waste the time of the firefighters and feel silly for calling. But how in the world would I know if I was too scared to go look???

I guess this was one of those times that I would just have to trust my instinct. And my instinct told me to leave it to the pros! By nature, I am a chicken, anyway. I wear my seat-belt. Don't really speed. Wear my life-jacket in a boat. Is that nerdy? I'm a safety girl. I don't want to do anything that could potentially cause me any type of pain whatsoever! Entering my burning house included.

When all 5 firetrucks arrived along with the ambulance, I think the reality started to sink in. My house was on fire. There is no way to ever, ever expect something like this. It comes out of nowhere. When I woke up that morning, I had my day planned and it looked NOTHING like how it turned out. Shortly after the firemen arrived, they came out and took axes back in. My sister looked as frightened as I did and said, "They just took axes into your house." I was so nervous. And then....

Then my neighbors came over. I barely know them. I have met them all of maybe 2 times in my 3 years of living in the house. They came to see if I wanted the kids to come over to their house to play instead of being right there in front of everything. I had not even thought about how scary it must have been for them. My mind was in task mode and had not allowed me to get emotional until the dreaded axes were taken in to the house! So, the kids left, which was a great idea. And then....

PJ came walking through the yard. He had made it home from Fishers in a very short time. He probably should not repeat how quickly he drove home. But he was here now and I knew things would be ok. And then....

My principal, who I had called at one point, showed up. I guess in the midst of all of it, I was worried about missing work the next day and felt terrible that I would have to call in. I kept thinking that maybe if I tell them early, they can find someone to work for me. So, he shows up to check on us. And then....

My mother in law, who PJ had called, came. For the past several years, she had directed Disaster Services and has seen hundreds of homes on fire. Never in a million years had she thought she would come to the fire scene of her own son's house burning. But, she was there. And for some reason, this completely comforted me.

I guess seeing those that care come to your rescue is some sort of medicine or something. Because, truly, I felt completely encouraged and strengthened by our visitors. My sister at my side. My neighbors with my kids. My mother in law right there with us. My boss, even! Later that night, I was surrounded in love by my other two siblings and my sister in law and father in law as well. Words just can't describe how much that means to me.

That night as I went to bed in our hotel, I realized something. I learned a lesson during my own drama that I couldn't have ever learned had this not all happened. From now on, I want to be that person. The "doer." The one who actually shows up in a time of crisis. I look back on my life and yes...I try to be a good person. But, I wouldn't consider myself to be the person who is right there in a time of need. I want to be better at that. I often have good intentions, but I rarely follow through.

Over the next couple of days, more "doers" appeared. My sister in law showed up and took the kids the next day. I had countless people offer to help with the kids on other days, someone showed up at our house with clothes for our kids and one family put together a basket of toys. And it continues...

To end "Part 1" of my series, let me just say this. Our damage was minimal in comparison to other house fires. I am overwhelmed by the love shown by people I never expected to surface in a time of crisis. And most importantly, this will be a defining moment in my life, I am sure. Stay tuned for more insight. I feel like the lessons learned are invaluable. Impossible to describe...but I won't stop trying!

Let me get all controversial on here.....

2010-03-08T15:52:00.000-08:00

That almost cracks me up typing it. As if anything I would say would REALLY be controversial. Big picture-wise. And yet, if you even mention certain topics around certain individuals, you will have a heated debate faster than you can say "Obamacare."

Nahhhh, I have NO DESIRE whatsoever to discuss politics. But seriously, if you even hint new age theories or beliefs around most Christians, they are going to freak out. As if you directly are targetting the Son of God Himself by even mentioning anything that wasn't taught in Sunday school. Now before all my Christian-folk friends get their panties in a wad....I AM A CHRISTIAN. By definition, a Christian is a "Christ follower." I follow Christ. The love, teachings, and message of Jesus is absolutely...100% what I believe. Do not freak out.

But.

Is it at all possible that some of the new age principals out there are actually Christian beliefs and teachings? Or worse yet....BIBLICAL? I jest, when I say "worse yet" because I know so many Christians have HAD to discontinue watching Oprah for her new age thoughts and encouragement. It kind of cracked me up. Those same folks watched Oprah when the show was much more gossip centered. But hey now...you stick Eckhart Tolle on there and NOW we have a problem. Talk about whatever infidelities you want....but talk about letting go of your ego and you are out! Have you ever even read Tolle? Yeah, he's one satanic dude. Gotta be. He's so new age.

Anyway, I digress. As usual. (I was being a little sarcastic, by the way. Tolle isn't satanic.)

Here is my deep thought for the day. Ponder over it. Enjoy...

If I understand it correctly, the "law of attraction" is all about putting out there what you want. Visualizing, thinking about it, seeing the end result. Isn't that what "ask and ye shall receive" means? Pray without ceasing. Kind of like "affirmative prayer." Thanking God for what He is ABOUT to do. Thanking Him in advance. Isn't that kind of like the law of attraction? Read Mark 11:24 "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."

I could go on. With more examples, I mean. Of things that so many people think are "new age." Really, they are Christian principals. What about Karma. Sounds just a little like that one passage about reaping what you have sown, doesn't it? (I don't know which happened first, the chicken or the egg. That's a different blog requiring more research!)

This week, I am going to practice the law of attraction. Or affirmative prayer. Or Mark 11:24. The power of Positive Thinking as Rev. Schuller preached in the 80's on tv during the "Hour of Power." Whatever you want to call it, depending on how you believe. But its all saying the same thing! This isn't new, people. "Garbage in, garbage out" as my English teacher used to say!

Have a great week, everyone. I am already thanking God for my awesome week and it hasn't even happened yet!

Feeling Restless....

2010-02-15T13:08:00.000-08:00

I am restless. Kinda stressed. Feeling extremely high strung and anxious. I feel unsettled. Not content.

In the past, I have blamed this on being a stay at home Mom. Usually, I feel this way when I have been couped up with the kids without a break of any kind. The kids were younger and things were so much more stressful. But these days, I have to be honest...I have it good! My kids are at the ages where they just kind of hang out and play. They aren't that high maintenence anymore. Other than reminders of baths and homework, fixing their meals, of course, the usual laundry and taxi-driving, extra activities and fitting in family time....SO YEAH, I AM A MOM. I am busy. I will admit that. But these days are not like the days of the baby years. No changing diapers, crying fits, bottles and baby food. No toys that they can't help pick up themselves. No chaos, really. Just chillin' at home with my kids or running them from place to place. One or the other!

And life. Well, it is better than I ever imagined it would be. I have an amazing husband, great kids, friends and family that are second to none AND a new fabulous job at our school with the greatest bunch of people you could ever meet. So where is the anxiety coming from? Why the restlessness? Why the feelings of needing to go...see...change...stir the pot? Why can't I just BE?

I wish I could say this is the first time I have experienced this. That would be a lie. Anyone who knows me well, knows that I do this. I feel the urge to do something crazy or out of the ordinary. An adventure? It has manifested itself in moving, traveling to adopt, adopting again, moving again, remodeling a rental. I could go on.

I paint the interior of my house(s) about every year or so because I get tired of the color. Is that strange? I switch out my furniture because it seems boring to me. Is that strange? In the almost 17 years of my marriage to my poor PJ, I have lived in 5 different apartments, 5 different houses and I am on my 5th new couch. Is that strange? In my 5 different houses, my family room alone has had a total of 8 different paint colors.

I know what you are probably thinking. I do have things in my life that are constant though. And for those, I wouldn't trade anything in the world. My family and friendships. My relationship with God. Those things are unwaivering and I have learned, are the things that matter most to me. Everything else is bonus. So why do I still enjoy the hunt for the best BONUS? After all, that...in a nutshell...is the source of my restlessness. It is ONLY the bonus "stuff" that I am anxious about.

Where is the line between ambition and just plain greed? What exactly is the difference between following your dreams and being ungrateful for what you already have? Is it OK to be driven?

Is is wrong to work towards changing things that may make your life just a little less stressful? Even if the cause of the stress is somewhat materialistic? Is it ok to trade that couch in for a more comfortable one? Even if the first one was perfectly fine? To move to a different house on the sheer hope that a little more space may make life easier?

Hmmm. Lots to think about. Lots to ponder. Got an opinion?

Anyone? Anyone?

Bueller?

The "Responsible Route" vs. "The Dream" : Part One

2010-01-18T09:22:00.000-08:00

It seems we have been at this place before. A crossroads, maybe? A point in your life where you can make a decision to go one way or another. Make a responsible decision to do what is best for your bank account at the present time, or sacrifice the bank account for something that is important to you. I have to say, we usually have went with choice #2. It may not have been the most fiscally conservative route, but it HAS been the route that allowed us to start a family, have a parent stay home with the kids, and bring us closer in proximity to grandparents and other family. Let me explain...

Way back when, after not one, but two failed attempts at starting a family we were faced with a choice: to locally adopt or go the international route. The more conservative, responsible route would have been to stick to a local adoption. It would have been cheaper and quite frankly, probably easier. But there was something pulling us to the international route. Maybe because I knew a child could be waiting for us without the chance of a birth parent changing the plan at the last minute? Maybe because after two stillborn children I couldn't imagine going home again empty handed? In some aspects, an international adoption was a lot less risky, but way more expensive. At this point, we had to look at the options and make a decision. As controversial as it was, as expensive as it was, we followed our hearts. We had a connection with our agency that was unexplainable. A peace. It was right for our family at that particular time. Money was just going to have to be dealt with at a later time. After taking out a home equity loan, a large one, we were ready to move forward. And we never looked back. I was so glad that I didn't chicken out...out of fear. Fear of not having the money, fear of going to another country, fear of the unknown, really. All of that fear had to be shoved to the side to follow our hearts. We went the "dream" route, instead of the "responsible" one. I have NEVER regretted that decision. That decision has contributed to some of the happiest memories in my life.

Shortly after going roughly $30,000 into debt to adopt our daughter, we were faced once again with another decision. To work as a Mom or stay home. Once again, its one of those questions that doesn't necessarily have a right or wrong answer. Its another choice that must be made based on what is right for your family. I desperately wanted to be a "stay at home Mom." It was a dream of mine. So, do I follow the dream of staying home and quit my decent, good paying, stable job at a fortune 500 company? Do I really change our income so much that we must now live on a pretty tight budget in order to make ends meet AND pay off the debt we had just incurred? The easy way out for me would have been to just continue to work. It wouldn't have been easy being a working Mom, but it would have been easier financially. But the "dream"....

I don't need to tell you what I chose. I reluctantly canceled hair and nail appointments. Stopped looking at new furniture. Gave up on a new car. We were a one income family now. Things would be different. And just as we were settling in on our new "one income" life, yet another choice came along...

We received a call from a family member's aquaintance asking if we were interested in adopting another child. The timing? Not necessarily perfect. Some credit card debt. A bigger house we had JUST bought. Budget really, really tight. There was no way we could adopt another child and live in the house we were living in and continue with only one income. Do we stay in the big, pretty house and turn down the opportunity to adopt again? Do we adopt, stay in the big, pretty house and have Mom go back to work? Or do we realize that its just a house. Adopt the baby. Stay at home and live in a cheaper house? We chose the last option and have been glad we did, ever since! We did NOT make money on that house. It was irresponsible to move after only living there such a short time, 2 years. For our bank account, it wasn't a wise move. For our family...we gained a beautiful baby boy that we can't imagine our lives without now! We chose the "dream" route...irresponsible probably, financially. But again, I can't imagine our lives had we not made the decision to add to our family. A little girl, and now a little boy...definitely the "dream."

I guess I could go on for days. There have been many decisions that we have made that were probably considered risky in terms of finances, but were made because we were following OUR dreams and not someone else's. Moving away from the fastest growing county in Indiana...to a county completely void of any economical growth whatsoever. (Its "home"...and we dreamed of someday moving back "home.") Purchasing a house that was literally sinking in that same county for $9000. Risky. Probably irresponsible. But it was our dream to have rentals.

Every single time we have made one of these crazy decisions, someone at some point had told us it was a bad idea. And yet, we always followed our dreams, together. And guess what? Somehow...it has ALWAYS worked out. Everything from unexpected stock options to pay for a very expensive adoption to finding the perfect renter for our first investment property. It ALWAYS works out.

You can probably guess that we are once again at a point where a decision must be made. To follow a dream or take the less risky route? Only this one...this one is a little bigger than anything we have ever done before. Its going to take a LOT of planning, a LOT of prayer, a LOT of support from friends and family. Its going out on a limb. Without a net. Taking a chance. Risking it all. Scary beyond words.

I wish I could post the details, but I CAN'T yet. I promise to write a Part Two when the time is right. But until then, I am asking for positive thoughts, prayer and encouragement from my loved ones. We are going to need it!

Until next time...No day but today!!!!!

OMG, Mom...We forgot our flip flops!

2010-01-01T21:25:00.000-08:00

"What are we gonna do? I'm NOT wearing boots down there with my bathing suit. And I didn't even bring my cover up thingy."

The poor eight, almost nine year old's embarrassment was almost comical, except you almost felt sorry for her. This just an excerpt from my day today at the Abe Martin Lodge in Brown County.

For some reason, I had the urge to get the heck out of Dodge and go away over Christmas break, even if only for one night. What are you going to do in Indiana, 15 degrees, very small budget, with a family of four? I guess you do something you know works. Go somewhere you have enjoyed before that doesn't break the bank and still scores major points with the kids. The lodge fit the bill. With an indoor water park that is PERFECT for our kids' age groups, this place is perfect.

Now, I have blogged in the past about my unrealistic expectations I put on myself when it comes to "mothering." I have truly been trying to chill out! Stop taking everything so seriously. Don't be so hard on myself. Actually ENJOY the vacations, parties, what have you, instead of being SO rigid.

So I tried it this time. Hell, I didn't even pack until today! Yeah, I was being all last minute, not plannin', just waiting till today to get stuff ready. I'm laid back like that, now, ya know?

Check in time was 1:00. I thought it was 3:00. We didn't leave our house until 12:00. Right there, I was starting to get a bit irritated.

THEN, after checking in and getting into our room, we begin to change into swimsuits only to realize NONE of us had any shoes to walk down to the pool area in. Let me just paint the picture for you of the the water park. Wet. People everywhere. You are NOT going to want to wear big clunky shoes down there. They will get soaked and where are you even going to put them?

Imagine my further horror as I look down to see my naked feet and realize I have "whore toes." You may not know what that means, so let me clarify. A very good friend shared this offensive, yet hilarious term with me a couple summers back. You have "whore toes" if you have let your toenail polish start coming off and have not either A. removed said polish for a natural look or B. repainted the toes so the polish is NOT half on and half off. No offense to the whores....its just a term. (And before anyone gives me any crap, no...my daughter is not aware of this term.)

No flip flops. Whore toes.

We are going to have to go down to the pool barefoot. EWWWWW!!!!! I am a self proclaimed germ-a-phobe. This kills me. But what is worse? Wearing New Balance hikers with a flow-y black cover up? (At least I brought that.) Or poor Indi with tall black boots on with a swimsuit?

And my whore toes...not even cute bare feet walking around on that hotel hallway.

Against my better judgment, we went sans shoes. Once we entered the pool area, I'm sure no one noticed. But then I lost my index finger's fake nail. I just looked a mess. I dropped the fingernail in a plant, not knowing what else to do with it since I didn't see a trash can around. And now, tonight, as I lie here still awake as my family snores away, I am just cracking up inside.

Oh, how we change. And for the better. I know this all sounds so minor, but seriously. I would have been just MORTIFIED had this happened a few years back. Sometimes I scare myself with how W.T. we have become. (W.T.= white trash, another offensive term I probably should not be using, but can't find another phrase that better describes what I am saying.) I see these perfect little families sometimes with their perfectly ironed clothes and immaculate little hairstyles. I know how much work it takes to have everyone looking like that, and I honestly do NOT miss those days. Yep, I had some whore toes tonight. Indira's hair was stringy because she really likes to wear it down. And my fake fingernail is in a flower pot. And today...was a really good day.

Everyone is sleeping, worn out from swimming. Tomorrow morning we will do it all again. Only we have to check out at 11:00, so we will have to put our clothes on in the lobby restroom after we are finished. After all, we want to keep swimming after check out! Ha, ha! That's kinda redneck-ish, too, isn't it! Who cares!

Good night, all!

Year In Review...(Part 2)

2009-12-30T00:01:00.000-08:00

I guess before I get too depressed about being in the same place as I was last year at this time, I should probably really think about it. Has anything really changed from last year? I would love to list all sorts of ways I have improved my own life, or shoot...even others. Wouldn't that be an encouragement? It would be great if I had a bunch of positive things I had done to look back on. But I don't think I will ever be able to look back on a year and NOT wish I had been a better Mom, wife, friend. I always know that I can do better.

So...nope. I can't really say I did anything too outstanding over the last year that would be worthy of bragging about in my little, rarely read blog!

Now. If you want to talk about events. Milestones. Defining moments. 2009 was full of them! We'll talk about the hardest stuff first.

2009 was a year of losing loved ones for us. Not only did we lose a special Aunt that I dearly loved and my sweet Grandpa, we also lost a great friend to cancer. It was Funerals in the Fall for me. Again. I don't know why I always lose people I love in the Fall. We lost BOTH of our babies in the Fall. My nephew, Russ, was killed in a car accident in the Fall. And then this last Fall. My Aunt, Grandpa, and our good friend, Scott. When I think of the season of Fall, I immediately think of Ecclesiastes 3. "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven; a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot..." Fall '09 was a difficult SEASON for us.

It's honestly hard to even think about anything else that happened in '09. I guess I should mention that right, smack, dab in the middle of ALL of that (all three loved ones passed away within a few weeks of each other) I went back to work. Full time. I had not worked full time in 8 years. And of course this opportunity came up RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE of all of it. The timing couldn't have been worse.

We also purchased a rental house this year. It was in desperate need of repairs before renting it out, so our Spring last year was spent working on that. I think I could blog for days on that experience. Stressful. Rewarding. Exhausting.

Drew started Kindergarten. Got glasses. Indira grew taller. And sweeter. And moodier. And prettier. And mouthier. Drew learned to lie to make a story sound a little more interesting. (Nipped that in the bud.) Indira learned about fractions. Drew learned to read. And they both still argue to ride the bus to school when I am going to the exact same place to work as the Secretary! The more things change, the more they stay the same, I guess.

It was a year. Full of ups and downs. Went by WAY to quickly. I guess I should start thinking of my goals for '10. Lose weight? Always. Be more organized? Wonder how many times that has made it to the list of resolutions. Let's not forget...be a better Mom, wife, friend....I could go on and on!

Year In Review...(Part 1)

2009-12-29T23:21:00.000-08:00

Well, I lied a little when I started my blog. I said that I would be blogging about Faith, Family or my fight with Fat and even promised to have one of the three subjects in the title. I guess you just let this whole blogging thing evolve and do what works.

I am tempted to change the name of my blog, since I have often veered from said topics, but really...everything I talk about probably fits into one of those somehow. The only big thing that has changed has been my desire to discuss different views when it comes to faith. I guess that happened once or twice. But I don't think people like to talk about their faith. I mean, they do if you aren't challenging them on why they believe what they believe. But if you even THINK about questioning anything you have been taught at church, most Christians run the other direction. I am a little annoyed by that. I mean, I am truly not TRYING to make someone change their mind. I am trying to understand. I question because I want to learn. I challenge because I want to think for myself and not be led BLINDLY like so many are. I think people are just offended when they think you are challenging them. It was NEVER meant to offend. I did appreciate the one person who chose to participate in one conversation...I was pleasantly surprised at how open I was to his opinion.

But I digress. I thought a blog would be a great forum for me to gain some insight. Didn't turn out to be. It actually ended up being some strange form of therapy for me, which I have stated in the past, has proven to be loads cheaper than retail therapy. So I'll take it.

About FAMILY, I did enjoy sharing a few stories this year about my crazy kids and silly husband. I never cease to be amazed at how you can get so frustrated with folks you love so deeply. I didn't even think I was capable of loving like this. Yet, often I am pushed to the point of total insanity by the very same individuals. Screwy.

My fight with fat. Oh...well...crap. I didn't just lose. I was knocked out in the first round. I don't know what the heck happened. I really thought that if I blogged about it, I would have some sort of accountability. In turn, I would surely celebrate success. Not so much. In fact, I gained weight this year. Had I only actually started losing when my blog began, I would be at goal weight by now.

Coulda-Woulda-Shoulda.

I know better than to go down that road. I can guilt myself into a deep depression faster than you can say FAT GIRL. I can't go there. Only forward.

So. Here we are. Entering 2010. Still on my journey with God. (Grateful every day for that relationship.) Still learning how to be a parent. (I suppose I will have that figured out by the time they graduate.) And still fat. (Unfortunately.)

What HAS changed?

Just when you think you have it under control...

2009-12-25T19:40:00.001-08:00

Something happens to put you right back in your place.

I have blogged in the past about how I try not to let things get to me anymore. I mean, really, when you look at the big picture...its so silly to get all bent out of shape over the little stuff. Little stuff, as in someone making a comment that you take way too personally. Or worrying about what someone thinks when it really doesn't matter.

I had been doing so much better with all of that. I mean, its not as if I am heartless or anything. I just try to put things into perspective. Not everyone is going to understand my battle with my weight, for example. Or understand my personal journey with God. Or how I raise my kids. So, as I hear little comments here and there, I truly try to let it just roll off. I chalk it up to "they didn't mean anything by that" or "not everyone is going to agree with you all the time." And, by the way, this is new. This whole, "I'm not going to let stuff get to me anymore" attitude has been something I have been working on over the last several months. I really do not want to be one of those people that you have to walk on eggshells when you are around them. I don't WANT to be moody, or overly sensitive. Its one of those things I find myself working on often. A behavior I am constantly trying to change. And I thought I had been doing so much better.

But then, BAM! When you least expect it, you let something get to you. You ALLOW someone else to get under your skin. I wonder why. And how.

Why is it that I KNOW in my heart that getting upset over silly stuff is.....silly, and yet, I can be on the verge of tears over the thought of someone disliking me or saying something bad about me? Maybe its because I really do want everyone to like me and I really don't run around trying to upset people or hurt their feelings. So when I do hear someone say something bad about me, it hurts.

I really do try to see myself in other people. For example, when I see someone being moody or grouchy, I remind myself how many times I have felt that way. Or if someone is doing something that is clearly bad for them, I quickly remember my own battle with my weight and how unhealthy that is. Usually there is a reason for people's actions, and a story. We just don't know it. They are hurt by something or someone and it comes out in some unattractive ways, I think.

So during these holidays, I was stressed. To the max. Over-extended. Bit off more than I could chew. Get the picture? My first year working full time again. And to boot, I just plain tried to do too much. And shall we guess how this little mistake of getting stressed out decided to show itself?

Short tempered. A little moody. Noticed EVERYTHING. Even the things I had gotten used to letting roll off. The little, silly things I have been able to just ignore. I let it get to me. I was trying to do everything. Perfectly. And when I thought for a second that people didn't recognize that, I let it hurt my feelings. I wish so badly that I could have done what I had been working so hard to do.... which was just shrug it off. But I didn't. And here is the thing that really upsets me, it could have really put a damper on my holidays had I not been able to get out of the negative funk it put me in!

Thank the Lord above that I came back to reality. I am still a little annoyed at the thought of falling off the wagon, or reverting back to some old habits. Maybe it was a just a gentle reminder that I don't have this whole "let it go" thing mastered. Yet. Maybe it was a little lesson for me for next year...or the next holiday. What did I learn?

It doesn't matter how perfect everything looks, including your children, the tablecloths, the food, etc. If you are stressed, it doesn't mean a hill of beans. Especially if you get so stressed that it ruins your time with family. I already know how precious time is with those you love. I shouldn't have to be reminded. And guess what? Everyone may not like you. Shoot. I'm pretty certain that everyone doesn't. But what are you going to do about it? It doesn't make much sense to worry about something you can't change. You can't control someone's actions or feelings. But you can control yours. And I think I will make the choice to overlook that stuff, let it roll off, let it go, whatever you want to call it!

I hope I don't ever do this again, which is let the silly stuff distract me from what the holidays really are for me. Celebrating the life and sacrifice of a Savior. Cherishing every second I have with loved ones. Remembering times with those that are no longer with us, even if I still wish there could have been more of those times...

Merry Christmas everyone! Here's to keeping an eye on the big picture and ignoring the silly stuff!

I Have Decided....

2009-10-21T14:50:00.000-07:00

"I'm gonna live like a believer, turn my back on the deceiver...."

Yeah. No. That's not where I am going. Although that old school Amy Grant song HAS entered my mind several times as I have been lying in bed over the past couple of days, sick as a dog. Maybe it was Divine intervention that it WAS playing in my mind...to somehow pull me out of my negative funk.

But what I REALLY have been thinking about is something very different.

"I Have Decided..." Just a few things that come to your mind as a Mom when you are sick and watching your house go to Hell in a handbasket:

1. Your husband, partner, significant other, whatever....may TELL you that they can handle everything, but they can't. Things will slip through the cracks.

2. No laundry, not a sock, will get done for the duration of your illness.

3. You won't have full groceries until you are well. There will be quick trips for 7-up and chicken noodle soup. Your "other" won't think to go ahead and pick up milk. His mind is on what you need. And you don't need milk.

4. Its hard to be home with kids who are out of school when you are sick. See the next epiphany...

5. Your children really don't care that you are sick.

6. Everyone does not recognize the value of NOT procrastinating and therefore may not clean out folders until the morning....as the kids are running out the door.

7. Kids (at least my kids) really are more unruly when left to too many decisions to make in the morning. Hence, the laying out of clothes early.

8. Hearing chaos and bickering is not conducive to rest, even when the door is shut.

9. You can look a little psycho when flinging said door open to shout (more chaos!)at everyone to stop yelling!

10. Yelling at yellers is counterproductive.

11. Nothing really bad happens when kids wear their socks two days in a row because no one made sure they changed them.

12. Teachers are pretty understanding and probably won't fail your child if something is forgotten while you are sick!

13. No one (that I am aware of) has ever died from forgetting gloves, not brushing their teeth ONE night, having Pepsi for lunch because you are out of milk, or any other minor infractions that I place entirely too much importance on.

14. All of this seems really silly to complain that someone doesn't do something "right" just because its not done your way.

15. It doesn't matter how much you love someone, you still aren't going to do things exactly the same.

16. My blog about how bad everything has gone is suddenly making me feel very guilty.

17. My hubby loves our kids and tries his best. Even if I think he should be finding shoes and jackets the night before instead of facebooking. Keyword.."think"...that's my opinion. He has his own opinions...

18. I'm grateful I have two kids who love me and a hubby who wants me well. Even if part of the reason is to take back some of the things I always do!

So let me check my swollen tonsils once again for craters you can swim in....take another couple of ibuprofen....take my temp and pray to see anything less than 102... and suck it up. There's laundry to do and it ain't getting done on its own! Ha!

Everyone wash their hands and have a glass of OJ!

Part Two: The Strange Smell of Formaldehyde and Nursing Homes....

2009-10-03T16:23:00.000-07:00

Well, as promised, here is the second entry from our emotional week of funerals. I should actually change the title to "The Strange Smell of Formaldehyde, Nursing Homes and Funeral Flowers." I don't know why flowers smell different in a funeral home than they do in your yard or in a vase on your kitchen table. I guess that's another blog.

As strange as it may seem to blog about doing my Aunt Sue's hair, I feel like I need to purge the details since so many of my friends and family have asked how it went and what it was like. Of course I mean no disrespect at all by writing about the experience, even though, at times it was almost comical. If you knew my Aunt Sue at all, you would know that it was certainly appropriate that the whole thing was even funny at times.

I have already said that I did not hesitate to agree to the favor. My Mom mentioned it first and I believe said something to my cousin, Jimmy. When he asked, I had already given it some thought and decided I would definitely do it. I did say, however, that I knew I couldn't go in there (wherever "there" was...) alone. I just said that I knew someone would have to go with me! I had doubted it would be my husband, since he had to be available to take care of the kids for me. I knew my Mom would not be in any condition to go with me. So I just said, "As long as someone goes with me, I'll be fine."

I have more than one funny uncle. These are the "brothers" of my Mom's. There are four of them and they were blessed with a sense of humor that is second to none. One such brother, Uncle Jeff, sat with me in my Aunt Sue's hospital room towards the end of her life. We were both able to stay with her when it became too difficult for my Mom and my cousins to watch her struggle. He offered, one night, to go with me to do her hair and when the day did come for me to go...I thought he would be the perfect person to take. I needed someone who could keep things lighthearted for me and help me to keep it together. I doubted that I would break down in front of my often hilarious uncle.

Last Saturday, when the funeral director called, I made the arrangements to pick up Uncle Jeff and then head to Hartford City to do what I had promised. When we arrived at the funeral home, I don't think either of us had any idea what to expect. We just walked in, introduced ourselves and the kind director told us to follow him. He asked if I had done hair for someone who had passed before and I told him that I had not. He then asked my Uncle Jeff if he had done anything like that before and he said, "No," as well.

We followed him into a garage of this large, amazing house that I would give my right arm to live in. In the garage I spotted a gurney-type thing and I panicked. Surely he isn't going to just roll my Aunt Sue out here to the garage with that big door open and everything. What will people do as they drive by? Peer out their car windows and catch a glimpse of me styling a dead person's hair? But we kept walking to another door off of the garage and I felt a little better. Not going to happen in the garage. Thank, God!

Now...I don't know what I was thinking. But for some reason, I had it in my mind that this whole thing would go down down in a beautifully lit room, with "funeral home chic" decor and soft music playing in the background. I had visions of my Aunt lying on a satin covered table of some sort, maybe not dressed, but covered beautifully somehow. As I walked toward this door off of the garage, I imagined that beautiful room would be on the other side.

I was wrong.

As we walked in that doorway, it hit me right in the face. The strongest, strangest smell that I quickly identified as formaldehyde. There was no mistake that it was formaldehyde and it didn't exactly creep up on you. Smacked me instantly. The same way the cold air hit me in this refrigerated, very bright white, not necessarily the cleanest, old, cinder-block walled room. Boy did my eyes start wandering! And so did my Uncle Jeff's! We were looking around and taking EVERYTHING in. There were bottles of chemicals lined up on old garage-type shelves. A rolling stool in front of a counter with a faucet and cabinets that I really wanted to open up and look into. It was about 10X10, had no windows, cold and stinky. And there she was. My sweet Aunt Sue just lying there. I couldn't help but think she had to be so cold. Isn't that just about ridiculous! Duh. Of course she is "cold."

But you know...she looked really good. So peaceful. Like she was sleeping. My Uncle commented on how great she looked and I instantly felt at ease. She did look good. And now I wanted to make her look even better.

I was a little nervous at first because the funeral director and my Uncle were kind of just standing there as I started doing her hair. The funniest part was when I was trying to make her bangs lay down around her forehead and couldn't seem to get them to comb down. They just kept popping back up. At one point, I used my flat iron to pull them down and they shot back up again. Uncle Jeff made the funniest face, like what I had just done was NOT working. Plus, I was paranoid that I would get too close to her skin and burn her without knowing it since she obviously wasn't going to pull away or flinch. Finally, I used the old faucet and sink to wet the comb to make it stay down. The funeral director said, "Here...this will help." He started spraying her with a water bottle, which worked. I didn't bring a hair dryer, but he had some ultra powerful little dryer that I used. I wondered what else that thing was used for. It wasn't a typical hair dryer. Wonder what else it dried? Uncle Jeff looked as relieved as I did when our dreaded bangs started to lie down.

After that, I worked quickly and was soon finished. We all agreed that she looked great and I then focused my attention on giving him her clothes and making sure he knew she had little slippers and new underclothes.

The ride home was actually pretty funny. We both laughed at how we had such different expectations on what that room would look like. He had a more sterile, CSI type vision and I had this soap opera, dramatic vision. Boy, were we both wrong. But we survived.

Later, I was thanking God for providing what we need to get through things. I needed my Uncle Jeff that day. He was the perfect person to go with me. Had I taken a sister or even a good friend I think I would have gotten too emotional and maybe not been able to do it. But for some reason (and I think we all know the reason!) Uncle Jeff offered that day and we took care of it.

And the most important thing was that Aunt Sue looked great for her funeral. She would have wanted it that way!

Part One: The Strange Smell of Formaldehyde and Nursing Homes....

2009-10-03T16:22:00.000-07:00

Well, there was no way I could possibly get through this weekend without a little blog therapy, which I tend to try first since it is so much better for my bank account than retail therapy. As most everyone knows by now, from a couple of status updates, our family suffered the loss of not one, but two loved ones over the weekend. I have not cried yet, which seems odd. But honestly, I haven't had time. I have written before about how I can see myself "growing up" sometimes, and that really freaks me out. I still feel about 21 sometimes. But after this weekend, I am 100% sure that I am a different person than I was 10 or 15 years ago.

We'll start with a story about my lovely Aunt Sue, who, by the way, I was named after. (Brandi Sue...) She was my Mom's only sister and I have always had a very special place in my heart for her. Since she and my Mom were the only two girls out of six children, they had a bond that was just so special. They tend to be on the receiving end of a whole lot of teasing by four brothers. Never a dull moment at those family get togethers! I grew up looking forward to spending time with all of them and my cousins. When I was around 12, I started asking Aunt Sue if I could do her hair. She even let me cut it! Can you believe that? She must have been crazy. But I did it. And I didn't do a bad job, either. From that day on, occasionally, I would style, cut or even perm her hair over the years. We never lived close to each other, but if she knew we would be seeing each other, she may ask me to bring my scissors and a curling iron. I never, ever minded doing her hair. In fact, I loved it. She always said, "Oh, that's real pretty. Yes, yes. That's just real pretty." That eventually turned into, "Oh yes, yes. No one else does my hair like you do!" Now, if that isn't just the nicest thing to hear. Her compliments were so sincere and encouraging. Now, I will admit, she was extremely easy to please. And I really don't think I did anything any different than anyone else. But when you are 12....it was a big deal!

Last Friday, Aunt Sue passed away. She was in the hospital for a little over a week, fighting a pretty painful infection. She wasn't strong enough for surgery, so we knew that it was pretty much a waiting game unless there was a miracle. I don't blame God for wanting to bring her home....I would want her with me, too. She was an amazing lady who loved everyone! Incredibly loyal to her family and always willing to share anything she had.

When my cousin, her son, asked me to do her hair for the funeral, I didn't even hesitate. Although I had never done anything like that before, in fact...I am really pretty wimpy when it comes to things like that...I still didn't even hesitate. I thought, "There is no way I am letting some stranger do her hair. They would have no idea how she liked it." So that was it. I would definitely do it. On Saturday, the funeral director called me to let me know I could come at 2:00 pm to bring her outfit and do her hair.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. I was. And the details of the actual process will have to come in a later blog. My posts are long enough, so I won't bore you in this particular entry. But I will say that it was an experience I won't forget. I don't think I ever knew what formaldehyde smelled like. Until now. And the whole process was completely different than I expected. I knew it would be emotional. I did not expect to feel so good afterwards. Don't get me wrong.... I would much rather her still be alive and laughing with me. But I am so glad that I did her hair. I think she would have wanted me to, for one. And also, I kept thinking the whole time about how I wanted to make her look as pretty as I could. And she did look pretty. She looked just like she did about 10 years ago, before her health started failing.

I guess to go back to how we just change as we grow older.....there is no way I would have been brave enough to do that 10 years ago. I'm so grateful that our lives evolve over time and allow us to experience so many things. This is definitely one of those experiences that I won't forget.

Tune in soon to read more about our emotional weekend. Surprisingly, its not a story of sadness and gloom. More like encouragement and gratefulness!

Family: 9-11....Where Were You?

2009-09-10T19:17:00.000-07:00

I have such a different memory of 9-11 than most people. I mean, I know we all have different stories about where we were when disaster struck, how you heard about it, how you felt. Our story is very different.

On 9-11-01, PJ and I were in Aqtobe, Kazakhstan. It was the day that we met our little Indira for the first time. Up until then, we had only seen video. On that day, we met her in person. During our first of twice daily visits that went on for the week, a very sweet and loving caregiver brought her to us. That room, the smells, the light peeking in the lace curtains, the rug on the floor, the sound of the footsteps up the stairs and the door creaking open. I remember it all so vividly. Like it was yesterday.

During the first visit, Indira's eyes...big and brown and beautifully almond shaped...never left ours. She looked at us as if she knew who we were and why we were there. She was 7 months old. Coughing. Sick. (All three of the babies that we traveled with were!) Small for her age. Adorable. That visit was amazing and I can't help but almost cry when I think about it.

When we left the orphanage that day from our morning visit, we were on a high that was unexplainable. Until our drivers started trying desperately to tell us of the events back home. But....thanks to the dreaded language barrier, they couldn't communicate what had happened. I think the most we got out of the broken English was, "New York city....Boom, Boom!"

During lunch, our coordinator received a phone call and turned a t.v. to CNN. Although it was in Russian, we knew what was happening. A translator was relaying most of the information as we sat in that little living room and cried. One family that we traveled with was even from the D.C. area. Their older daughter was still at home with her grandparents. I can't imagine the fear they must have felt.

I remember hearing the dreaded words, "Muslim extremist." Then I remember realizing we were in a Muslim country. I would be lying if I said I was not scared. I was. I heard of the US Embassy closing in almost every country, including Kazakhstan. I heard of all international flights being canceled. Who wants to be in another country with no embassy open and no international flights at the start of a war? We cried. Out of fear. Out of sadness for what had happened. We just cried.

I am happy to say that I learned a valuable lesson that day/week. I realized that not all Muslims are 'bad'....just those who terrorized our country. Christians have their share of extremists that advocate violence and I would like to think that not all Christians are 'bad.' (I can provide another blog to discuss violent Christians!) It seems like such a simple lesson, and yet I still see people cringe when you speak the word "Muslim." That is so sad to me.

During that week, we were assured that we were safe. And, surprisingly enough, we felt safe. The local police, who knew there were Americans in town even stopped by the apartment to check on us and express their sadness at what had happened. When the U.S. Embassy in Kazakhstan opened back up in Almaty, we went to continue with our paperwork to complete our adoption. There were flowers everywhere. Lining the sidewalks up to the door. Beautiful and so sad.

That day was so amazing to me and such a defining moment in so many ways. It definitely contributes to the process of growing as a person. I have sadness for those who died on 9-11, but I also have an unexplainable happiness.

Such a strange feeling....even after this many words, I still don't think I am able to really verbalize my feelings. Tonight I am going to bed grateful for a daughter that I love dearly and will never take for granted! I know what we went through to get her. I know how happy she has made me and I love celebrating this day with her!

Family: Back To School!

2009-08-21T05:15:00.001-07:00

Wow. I don’t even know where to start. This was certainly a milestone for us. Both kids are now in school. Indira started third grade and Drew started Kindergarten. To say that it has been emotional is the understatement of the year.

Let me start by saying that I can get a bit neurotic when it comes to planning. Anything. Vacations. Parties. Christmas. Anything. You can imagine how ridiculous my summer has been planning for the first day of school for Drew, and Indira for that matter. I still, even though she is in third grade, get super organized when it comes to getting ready for school. I am a list-maker, which means that at any given moment this summer, I could whip out a list of what we had already bought and what we still needed in terms of school clothes and supplies. I’m a planner. Can’t help it. If I have learned anything throughout this experience, its that sometimes it really doesn’t matter how much you THINK you have it together. Things just don’t always go as smoothly as you had hoped. (And you really DON’T have it together, at all!)

We’ll just start with the letter I received from the school on the Friday before school started. It was from the nurse and she pointed out that Drew was missing some of his immunizations that are required for the Kindergarten year. Now, I just KNEW that this was a mistake. How could I have failed to make sure he had his immunizations? After all, it was just a few months ago that we got the shots in question. I remember distinctly being in the Doctor’s office and thinking to myself, “Well, he is 5, so this should do it for awhile.” I must have given the school the wrong copy of his records when we registered at Kindergarten Round Up back in April. So, I thought I would just head over to the Doctor’s office and request an updated copy so I could give it to the school. Case closed. When I popped into the office and spoke to the receptionist, I explained the misunderstanding and kindly asked if she could just re-print his records so I could show we were up to date on everything. She looked at the screen, and to my horror….said, “He isn’t up to date. He needs DTAP, MMR and the Chicken Pox booster.” I guess it had been almost a year since the shots I THOUGHT were the right ones! (I guess time does fly…I could have sworn it was just a few months ago!) Now, I realize for most people, this wouldn’t be THAT big of a deal. But I was just mortified. How could I let this happen? At this point, we are just days from starting school and I am just embarrassed that we are behind on shots. I don’t have any idea what I was thinking, but somehow I dropped the ball on this one. How, I do not know. So after all was said and done, we had to make an upcoming appointment for the following Friday to get our shots. Let’s hope the school is okay with that. I think mostly, I just feel a little embarrassed. I am a stay at home Mom, for crying out loud! I don’t have a 40+ hour a week job to distract me! This IS my job!

Fast forward to the day that school started. Friday, the 14th of August. Everything went great that day, (for the kids.) PJ took a vacation day so that we could take them together and they looked so cute. Indira is getting so big and can’t have her picture taken without striking a Paris Hilton-esque pose. She has no idea who that is, but seriously…she has that look down. Hand on the hip and all! I’m not quite sure how I feel about that either. She is getting prettier and prettier and losing that “little girl” look. This school year, she will turn 9. Drew was a little nervous. He was excited, but nervous. Thank goodness he didn’t get upset or anything when we walked him to his classroom. He did just great!

After leaving the school and crying a little, PJ and I decided we would take the day to relax and shop, eat lunch, anything that can normally be frustrating to do with kids! Other than feeling very, very sick to my stomach that afternoon from either lunch or nerves, (or both) the day went rather smoothly. I was upset at the fact I didn’t feel well at first. But then I realized that while I will probably remember the fact that my Kindergartner didn’t have his immunizations up to date and I was feeling very sick on the first day of school, Drew probably won’t.

I don’t know why I put this unrealistic pressure to be perfect on myself when it comes to my family. But I do. The truth is, I will make mistakes. Lots more of them. So I don’t really know why I am so hard on myself EVERY time it happens! Hopefully, my kids are not going to remember that they started Kindergarten without their shots….or that I am always behind with the dentist appointments, (which reminds me….) or….(I won’t go on, you already know that I space stuff!)

So here we are a week later and our Doctor’s appointment is today. The first week of school went really well. The kids BEGGED to buy their lunch today. I don’t know why. I thought everyone hated school lunches? But, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to do that sometimes. It certainly gave me a little unexpected break from the chaos of packing lunches this morning! The dreaded shots are this afternoon at 3:30. I still feel guilty…but I think I may just have to get over it!

Until next time….LIGHTEN UP, ALREADY!

Family: 16 Years And Counting.....

2009-07-31T07:52:00.000-07:00

Wow. 16 years. I can hardly believe we have been married that long. Although, sometimes it feels as if we have just always been married. I can't really imagine my life without PJ. Its funny how your mind goes back and forth like that. It seems like yesterday, but it seems like forever.

I can't say that it has always been perfect. In fact, if you had asked me 10 years ago if I thought we would stay married, I would have said "No." The truth is, we have had our issues like every other couple. Ups and downs. Over the last 16 years, we have each gone through our share of selfish times. But somehow, it always seemed to work itself out.

I can't blog about my marriage without bringing up our most treasured and yet so traumatic part, which was trying to start a family. I often wonder what it is like to sit down with your spouse and say, "So do we want to start trying?" And then let the miracle of life begin the most awesome journey, which is parenthood. It wasn't that easy for us. And I still, to this day, wonder why it wasn't, but that's another post. We seemed to do everything the best way we knew how. Although neither of us made the right decisions about college, we were responsible. We both had solid, decent paying jobs. We were married for 5 years before having that conversation that I spoke of. We had bought our first house. (Cutest, 3 bedroom ranch ever!) We were solid in our relationship. It was as perfect as it could be.

I didn't have any trouble getting pregnant. In fact, I think we only "tried" (that term always cracks me up! I'm so immature!) for a few months before the dramatic peeing on a stick! We were happy. Very happy. At this point in our marriage, we couldn't have asked for things to be more perfect! Cute house, great jobs, married 5 years and pregnant! Life was so good.

Until an ultrasound at about 3 months in that showed some problems. We were having a girl and she was showing signs of infection and edema (fluid) around her heart and brain. I was just mortified. This couldn't be happening.

I gave birth to Hope Elizabeth early and she was stillborn. While in labor, I was still hoping for a miracle, which helped me to deliver. There were several doctors and nurses there, ready to tend to her had she made it. When she didn't, they all just filed out of my room and there we were. Confused and crying.

The doctors did not know the reason for our little Hope's health problems. The kept saying it was likely a fluke and should never happen again. At 25, I was burying my baby and picking a cemetery. That was probably when our problems as a couple really started. We loved each other, but there was this hurt that was just too much to bear sometimes.

Over the next few years, we had talked about trying again. All the while, struggling to stay married. I think we just started growing apart. In 2000, we weren't stable in our marriage. We still put on a pretty good show for those around us. I don't think our families even knew we were having problems. Maybe still very protective of each other, after all, we did still love each other deeply. We just didn't understand how to cope at that point. I ended up pregnant again. We were so hopeful this time. The doctors, remember, had said it shouldn't happen again, right?

A couple of months in and there the problems were again! Fluid. Worse this time than last. We kept going for ultrasounds hoping that it would go away and it didn't. They ended up having to induce labor and Faith Ann was born. Another private funeral. Another little casket. This time, it was just too much.

I honestly do not know how or why we stayed married, except that we were both so protective of each other after everything, that we couldn't imagine hurting the other one and actually leaving. I realize now why it was so hard, but that's 10 years later that you figure it out! We honestly could not look at each other without an association to pain and hurt. Talk about growing apart. I think we were just roommates for a while there.

Closure finally came for us. We received a very unexpected phone call one day that shed some light on our babies' health problems. PJ and I both carry a recessive gene with problems. Our babies had MPS Type 7. A genetic disorder. Evidently, out of all the genes in our bodies, there is a one in several thousand chance to carry this problem gene. PJ and I both do. Had we tried to have children with anyone else, there wouldn't have been a problem. Only the two of us together. Now if that doesn't mess with your head just a little, I don't know what does. I think it was natural to feel like we just weren't meant to be together. After more and more problems, I really don't know how we stayed together.

Until...

I don't know. Until I finally realized that I loved this person more than I loved myself. Until I realized that no matter what ever happened, I could NEVER, even in our worst times, I still could never imagine my life without PJ. No matter how many times I said I wanted to leave when things were at their worst, deep down I knew I never could have actually gone through with it. I think I knew in my heart that our problems were temporary and we would eventually work them out.

I'd love to say that things were back to good before adopting our two children, but in reality, we were still struggling. We were still hurting, but knew we were going to get through it. If I am truly honest, it was only about 5 years ago that we finally let the past problems be the past and moved forward.

So here we are today. Hindsight is sometimes a frustrating thing, especially when you look back at what you could have done to prevent things from happening. You can wish all you want that you wouldn't have suffered loss. That you wouldn't have dealt with the loss the way you did. That you would have tried harder.

Or you can use your hindsight to understand the things that did happen and learn from it. I know, now, why it was so hard for us. After going through some counseling, we learned that couples who suffer the loss of a child together can sometimes only see that loss in each other. We went through that TWICE. Its amazing we made it.

While I hate to imply that all of this defines our marriage, a lot of it does make a huge impact on how we treat each other today. Going through what we went through together makes you just a little more kind to each other, a little more compassionate, a little more appreciative. You realize that if you can get through all of that...you can get through ANYTHING.

So, Happy Anniversary, PJ. Its been quite the rollercoaster. I'm glad we never gave up...here's to many, many more!

Faith: My Sin, Not In Part...But The Whole

2009-07-25T08:32:00.000-07:00

Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more
Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord, Oh my soul!

"It Is Well With My Soul" is probably my very favorite song of all time. Whether you are talking about traditional hymns or contemporary Christian music, I think its just one of the best songs ever written. I have this particular song on my mind these days because I have had a lot of trouble sleeping. I don't know why. Its just something that happens. I was staying up late watching t.v. or writing, but that seemed to make me stay up even later. So I started listening to music instead. I don't think its helping a whole lot. I may be getting to sleep about an hour earlier, but I'll take it.

Its been challenging to find the right music to try to fall asleep to, since I tend to actually concentrate on the song and not let myself fully relax. Hence, the deep thoughts about "It Is Well..."

If you have only heard the traditional hymnal version of this song, I encourage you to listen to a couple of different arrangements. First off, the Jars Of Clay version off of the Redemption Songs cd is a fun, upbeat song. It kind of reminds me of a Beatles song. For the record, that whole cd is great. (The reason I originally bought it was for the very last song, "They'll Know We Are Christians By Our Love." That is another post, though.)

By far, the most amazing version for me is by Todd Agnew, though. I realize I am more of a rocker chick when it comes to music, so I am sure its not for everyone. But wow. Turn that song up loud on your ipod and shut your eyes. I dare you to try not to get emotional.

Sometimes I just need to be reminded I think. I mean...I know I do. I can be as frustrated as the next person about people, politics and everything else. (And usually I am on the opposite side of most Christians, so it can be really messy!) But what it boils down to, for me, is that I have this amazing relationship with a loving Creator. I just can't fathom, sometimes, that I am redeemed. My sin, not in part, but the whole. That's just the best line of the whole song for me. I need to remember that. Often.

Its funny how things (conversations, people) pop up in your life from your past that remind you of mistakes you have made. Its easy to start focusing on the regret that you thought you had moved past. Last night I went there. I started on a check list of regrets over the last 10 or 15 years. Little ones. Big ones. Decisions that I have made in the past that I question now. Mistakes that I am glad are tucked away in closests. Conversations that I wish I had, or had not had. People that I let in and out of my life that I shouldn't have.

Words....
Actions.....
Emotions.....

I could go on. (See why I don't sleep?) The reality is that I could sit here and beat myself up over all of it. Believe me, I have went through so many "Had I not _____, then ____ would not have happened." Its endless. Or I can let it go, the way God intended. I don't believe that He meant for us to live our lives in a constant state of regret for not being perfect. Wasn't that the purpose of Christ? To show us all, once and for all, that we are redeemed....forgiven....?

Its funny how we just grow up. Grow in our relationship with God. Grow in our relationships with others. We just grow up. We move past "stuff." We move on. I am glad that I am able to grow from my mistakes. Learn from them. The fact of the matter is that ALL of your experiences make you who you are. Not just the good ones. All of them.

Check out Todd Agnew's version of "It Is Well With My Soul," and enjoy the peace that God gives us through this song.

(By the way, I don't have bones buried in my backyard or anything, so please don't let your mind wander about my "sins" I am talking about! I think EVERYONE has made mistakes. That's all.)

Fat:: Why is it so tempting?????

2009-07-21T13:41:00.000-07:00

The processed crap! Why is it so tasty? Is my palette that screwy that it thinks that a load of chemicals tastes good? I guess so. After years of putting that garbage in, I am going to have a hard time re-training my taste buds, I guess.

I was watching "The Doctors" on CBS yesterday because they were talking about metabolism. A friend and I had just had this conversation about how slowly I lose weight, so she thought I may be interested in hearing what they had to say. Jillian, from Biggest Loser, was the guest and I couldn't believe how easy it truly is to understand healthy eating. She basically said that if it didn't come from the ground or have a mother, don't eat it. Its an easy way to rid yourself of all of the chemicals in your diet. Easy to understand. Not so easy to do.

She went on to say that she wasn't familiar with a Cheeto tree. That kind of cracked me up! I've also heard that if you can't pronounce it, you shouldn't eat it. That makes sense, too. All of it does. Why is it so hard to actually follow through with, then?

I guess the trick is that pesky word we call "MODERATION." I seem to struggle with this. I'm sure that having some Cheetos here and there is probably not a big deal. Its when everything you eat is processed. Jillian explained that it really wreaks havoc on your metabolism, as does artificial sweeteners. Hey there. Now shoot. Do I really have to give up EVERYTHING? Probably not. Just enjoy it all in MODERATION, which is something I don't do.

This week I am trying to focus on eating real food that provides some kind of nutrition, instead of empty calories that screw up my metabolism. Almost 2 years ago, I lost around 15 or so pounds going completely organic and vegetarian. I felt amazing. But with a family, the vegetarian thing was difficult. And during a recession....eating completely organic proved difficult as well. I am wondering what kind of results I will get with limiting the processed junk as I track weight watcher points.

Here's to real food!

Family: Unfamiliar Territory

2009-07-19T19:59:00.000-07:00

I have to say, I don't think I could have ever expected the challenges we are facing right now. About a year ago, PJ's father was diagnosed with vascular dementia. It has been quite the roller coaster ride ever since. After much trial and error with different medications, he had become almost like his old self, until recently when we were advised by his doctors that some of the side effects were becoming quite dangerous. So back to square one. Trial and error with different meds again!

One of the problems that his father battles is severe insomnia. This is so frustrating for him. He is tired all of the time and yet he can't sleep. Some days he is walking around almost zombie like, while other days he seems like himself. He also suffers from a few physical complications as well, so keeping up with what we may consider some pretty easy tasks are really difficult for him.

As an adult, I don't think we are ever prepared to watch our parents struggle with their health. Its hard. No matter who you are. Its hard. This person who you have always seen as a strong "grown up" is now shuffling across the room and looking confused. The same person who made you eat your vegetables, now has an almost empty fridge and rarely eats anything nutritious.

Last week we decided that we had to work on his Dad's house. It needs some serious TLC and major repairs. A leaky roof. Mold in the sunroom. A start of a remodel to a bathroom that was never finished. Makeshift curtains that were nailed to trim to cover the windows. I could go on. He doesn't want to move and at this point we can't force him to. (Even though we worry about his safety every day because he is alone.) The only solution is to make the house as nice as we can while he is living there.

Yesterday was PJ's birthday and the only day that we could work it out to start on his Dad's house. The whole family, his brothers, sister and Mom, met to help and celebrate PJ's birthday. It ended up being an amazing day but also kind of emotional. The last few weeks have been very difficult with doctors appointments and insurance drama so when I saw PJ smiling yesterday, I knew we had made the right choice for his birthday plans. His Dad was so happy to be surrounded by his kids and grandkids working on his house. At one point he joked that he felt like Donald Trump. I am pretty sure he was saying that because his house was looking so nice.

A great day, indeed. But certainly unfamiliar territory. This is my father in law I am watching struggle. The same one who didn't want us to get married 15 years ago because he didn't think we were ready. The one that wanted to leave me a gun in one of our first apartments because he knew I would be alone a lot while PJ traveled. (It was really bad neighborhood.) The one who wept with us during the loss of two children. And the one who never treated me differently when PJ and I had our own marital problems that were almost too difficult to work out.

I think the least I can do is help with a bathroom remodel.

Fat:: Turtle Speed

2009-07-18T09:01:00.000-07:00

I've been here so many times, I am almost numb to my results. After almost a week of trying to get into Weight Watchers, I have lost one pound. One. Uno. Ein. And it isn't like I don't know why. Unfortunately, I am at that place where I have to do the weight loss thing FULL FORCE. I can't just lazily give up regular soda or cut out the fried foods. I haven't had either in a week. I have to do it all. Track every point that goes into my mouth. Drink loads of water. Cut out a lot of sodium. Don't eat past about 7:00 pm. And all of that will get me a whopping 2 or 3 pound loss.

I guess my metabolism is as slow as a freakin' turtle or something. I don't know. Does it matter? Its my reality, regardless of the reason. I'm not discouraged because I know my body well enough to realize that this is normal for me. I always have a slow start. The problem is when I get discouraged and quit. I really don't want to quit this time!!!!

Today I am not choosing to get discouraged. I am choosing to focus on the fact that last week I hate more healthy foods than I did the week before. I ate less sugar. More fruits and vegetables. I'm going with that. What I did this week was a good start. In order to get the results that I want, I will have to step it up.

It's on. =)

Right Here. Right Now.

2009-07-17T21:38:00.000-07:00

I often hear people talk about how terrible our world is today. They go on and on about how great things used to be "back in the day." I sometimes wonder which "day" they are talking about. I hate to make assumptions, but often its one of a few. They may be referring to when they were a child. Or they may be talking about the oh so very pure 1950's. Or even "Bible times." I don't really know exactly. But I think its normal to feel this way. After all....as adults we are inundated with different forms of media. Its not often that we aren't hearing, reading or watching bad news. But every time I feel myself starting to agree with going back to those days, I try to remember that EVERY generation (or age or time period) has had issues. Would I really trade where we are today?

I have no idea what the world was like when I was a child because I WAS A CHILD. I didn't give a crap about the economy, but I wanted Izod shirts and Joradache jeans. I was able to run around the neighborhood free as a bird, but I really don't think I should have been. It was the 80's. Everyone was living in excess. In the adult world, millions were doing cocaine and spending loads of money. People were just beginning to learn how to live high on the hog and they became truly wasteful. Certainly not picture-perfect.

The 1950's seemed to be the most innocent and pure generation. Yet, I look at those days I get both sad and angry. There was so much racism and discrimination. With a multi-cultural child today, I can't imagine seeing her mistreated because of her heritage. Separate drinking fountains. Back of the bus. So much hate. I would venture to say that things were even worse than how they were depicted in the history books. And don't get me started about gender discrimination. Wow. How many women were being mistreated by their husbands and bosses and said nothing back then? I don't think I would go back to that if you paid me. (And of course, if you did pay me, it would have to be half of what you would pay a man!) We, as a country, should be proud that we have moved past all of that!

I guess we could all go back to Bible times. Don't forget your rocks so that you can stone your kids for not obeying. And get your knives ready to kill the animals you will be sacrificing. Or, if you are lucky enough to be talking about New Testament times, I hope you are ready for all of the confusion and bickering between everyone about following the law or not following it. And if you are a Christ follower, be ready to ridiculed. And since all of our medical knowledge comes way later in time, I suppose we should be ready to tackle some pretty horrendous illnesses. I could go on, but you get the point.

Do more things happen now, or do we just KNOW about more things happening because of information overload?

I don't know. Things always seem to happen. Every time we make a step forward, we seem to be so consumed with the next step that we forget about the progress we have made. I don't think things are perfect. But I certainly wouldn't go back in time. I'll just stick to "right here, right now." I don't think the grass was necessarily greener!

Fat: WW '09 Smackdown!

2009-07-12T06:50:00.000-07:00

It's official. I am starting Weight Watchers today. I have been putting it off long enough and my weight is truly out of control. I could go on and on and give some pretty amazing (and believable) excuses for why I have spiraled out of control, but I will spare you the long, boring and pointless rant. Today is a new day, though. And I can either choose to wake up every morning upset that I have let this happen, or I can wake up each day and do something about it. I'll choose the latter.

I have been on WW before. When Drew was born, I had just lost about 30 pounds on WW. I was certainly not at my goal weight, but within another 20 pounds. I was feeling great and proud of the loss. Then reality hit. The reality of having a 2 year old and a newborn. Suddenly, tracking points was not such a priority. The encouraging part is that I know WW works. The discouraging part is that I have so much more to lose this time. But what is the point of focusing on that negativity? I'd rather focus on the positive part....that I know it does work.

I'm sure I will get discouraged. This battle will last a while, unfortunately. But, hopefully, blogging about it will help! I'm off to log my points for the breakfast I am getting ready to eat. Wish me luck!

Fight the fat!

Personal: I've Changed.

2009-07-11T20:22:00.000-07:00

Today I went to the cemetery with my sister to visit the grave of my nephew, Russell. Almost two years ago, Russ died from a car accident. Our family spent one week at Methodist Hospital in the trauma unit. That was the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life. I have dealt with loss in the past. That story is another blog post. But this was horrifying. My family spent an entire week at his side. We prayed. We cried. We prayed some more. We cried some more. After losing Russ, I didn't think my life would ever be the same, and I was right. I have changed. There is something deep inside of you that you can't explain after going through something like that.

My family has always been close. We're not really into drama and don't fight amongst ourselves. We love our parents and love to spend time together. When this happened, we couldn't leave each other. And it wasn't just us siblings sticking by my sister, Sherry, who was losing her son. We were ALL together. In-laws. Cousins. My parents. We needed each other and we needed to be with my sister and my other nephew, Josh, who was grieving for his brother. My parents were grieving the loss of a grandson. My other niece and nephews were losing a cousin. My other sister, brother and I were losing a nephew and watching our sister go through something we wouldn't wish on our worst enemy.

The last almost two years have been a healing process for our family. We're closer. A little more patient with each other. A little more forgiving. A lot more grateful for each other. I guess it was one of those times in your life that you can certainly call a defining moment. I don't think I would be the same person without that experience. It still hurts and I still OFTEN wish it had not happened. But I do wonder who I would be if it had not. It is such a huge part of my life that I know it changed me. I know that I don't take life for granted. I know that I don't want to argue with people and I have no room in my life for drama. I am more forgiving and definitely do NOT sweat the small stuff anymore. Its just not worth it.

I don't think I ever REALLY understood the cliche that "life is too short." I do now. It is. I am grateful for every second I have with my kids and I am not silly enough to take it for granted.

Today as I watched my sister I thought about letting my anger sneak in. For a second, I almost went there with the "whys." But there was something so beautiful about her strength that I knew she was getting from God and her amazing husband right at her side, that I just stopped. I just kept saying over and over in my mind, "Thank you, God." For strength. For comfort. For the details. A loving husband for my sister to lean on. A family who loves each other and will support each other. A break in the rain today just as we got to the cemetery.

Yesterday was Russell's birthday. He would have been 23. I'm still sad that I don't get to see him. But I'm also grateful for the 21 years we had with him.

Faith: Its All About Interpretation.....

2009-06-16T07:49:00.000-07:00

I haven't been blogging much lately for a couple of different reasons. One, family type stuff has been pretty quiet. Not much going on that is particularly fun to read about! Two, my "fat fight" is a losing battle right now. (And I don't mean losing pounds!) I can't seem to get motivated to start anything. I have no idea why either. Three, as far as my topic of FAITH....I don't know where to start. I'm frustrated.

Which brings me to today's post. When I first started pondering the topic of "interpretation" I immediately thought of the milk and meat concept in 1 Corinthians. Now, bear with me as I have already disclosed my knowledge of the Bible...I am not a scholar. But I do try to understand what I can and find so much joy in searching!

So the verse goes as such, (NIV) 1 Cor. "I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready. ³You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere men?"

The funny part about this is that I have heard dozens of sermons on the milk and the meat. So many that I have actually gotten myself so worried about what I am eating, that I just gave up on eating altogether. Have you ever been so frustrated about what to eat that you said, "forget it, I must not be that hungry?" (Too bad this doesn't happen with real food....) It was only today that I read FOR MYSELF the entire context of this verse. (Without the influence of a Pastor. Or my husband for that matter. Anyone can influence your take on the Scripture and I honestly have enjoyed finding it for myself.) Keep reading. Its too long to post on here, but the entire chapter goes on with Paul kind of reprimanding the church for arguing amongst themselves.

"What, after all, is Apollos? And what is Paul? Only servants, through whom you came to believe—as the Lord has assigned to each his task. ⁶I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God made it grow. ⁷So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow. ⁸The man who plants and the man who waters have one purpose, and each will be rewarded according to his own labor. ⁹For we are God's fellow workers; you are God's field, God's building."

See, here is where I get frustrated about "the church." God reveals Himself through His Word. I can read a verse and get one thing out of it, because that is what God wants me to get out of it. At the same time, someone else may read the very same verse and get something completely different from it. Does it make my interpretation wrong? Or theirs wrong? My own opinion is that neither are WRONG. Its simply God revealing Himself in different ways in order for us to "get it." Whatever "it" may be at the time you are reading. Haven't you ever read a verse one day and revisit years later only to see something completely different? I would venture to say that God knows a bit about diversity. He knows that in order for me to understand something, like the love of a Creator, He must present it to me in a way that I can understand. By the same token, another God-created human may need a different approach to accept the love of God. Their hearts are different. Their brains are different. We're not all going to see things the exact same way.

So my challenge is this....and here is where I get back to my Scripture from earlier. I get that Paul is trying to tell the church that we are all a part of the "field." God will essentially make it grow. We all have different roles in the planting process. So if there are so many different interpretations of Scripture, and so many different types of people out there.....who is to say which view is "right?"

Doesn't it kind of sound like Paul is trying to tell the "church" that since there is still quarreling amongst them that they are still infants in their faith? What is the difference then today? If one denomination is pointing the finger at yet another saying that their view is "wrong," are they not still on the milk and not yet ready for the meat? For example, there are churches out there that are firm in their beliefs, have Scripture to back their opinion up and yet are looked down upon and even preached against. I could get deeper into this example, but I'll leave it kind of vague and you can think of the specifics...

So I struggle with EVERYONE'S interpretation out there of what God is trying to reveal through His Word. I don't understand how you can preach "at" folks with the list of "do's and don'ts." Isn't that YOUR interpretation? What if its not mine? So I am to sit and feel guilty that I am doing something wrong....even though I may have searched the exact topic out on my own? This is what was happening to me in my last church. And while I dearly love the members still to this day, I had a weekly conflict in the pew. I didn't feel I was angering God by being "lukewarm." I didn't feel I wasn't good enough because I wasn't "bold in my Faith." I didn't necessarily want to join a small group. I didn't see anything wrong with missing church on Christmas Day to spread the love of Christ to family members that may not see it on a regular basis. Yet I had to sit there and be preached at for my short comings. It took me a long time to realize that they are not short comings. These things are who I am. Created by God and saved by Grace. He didn't mess up when He created me.

So for several years I have had this internal struggle of how to be more righteous. Sin less....even though sometimes I didn't even think something was a sin. Be perfect. And now I realize that these things that were presented to me over the years were a couple of different people's INTERPRETATION. Not mine. I'm perfectly fine with being perceived as "lukewarm." That's an entirely different post, though.

And where does that leave me now? I don't know. Still loving my Creator. Still having a very deep and meaningful relationship with God. Searching on my own. But wary of everyone else's INTERPRETATION. A pastor is human. My husband is human. No PERSON is perfect, therefore, they will certainly make mistakes. So while all of these churches are out there bickering about which political party is on God's side....and which music is acceptable to listen to...and which television shows are "ok".....wheter you have to be bold or quiet.....whether or not its a sin to be gay......whether Obama is a muslim.....who we should bomb next....you know what? I'm not interested in any of it. I live my life according to MY INTERPRETATION. If I could find a church where I could focus on the love of Christ and not the Christian Top Five Sins of The Week, I would attend. Until then....I have to keep loving, praising and worshipping alone.

Until next time....peace, love and cheers to having your OWN thoughts!

Family: The Party's Over!

2009-05-03T08:56:00.000-07:00

Well, after several months of planning, it’s over. No more samples of punch to try. No more searching through pictures. No more picking out cups and plates. Back to reality. I am kind of sad that it’s over. That’s probably sounding crazy because planning the party was so time-consuming. But it was fun. And inspirational, really.

For anyone who cares, who wasn’t there, I can’t help but give the play by play. It was just so amazing that I have to share.

First off, we were on a pretty tight budget, which means we couldn’t rent out some fancy country club banquet room or serve a multi-course meal. We wanted to invite anyone who wanted to come. So it was put in the paper as an open invite. We had no idea how many would show up, so we had to plan for a pretty large crowd. Mom and Dad were renewing their vows, so we were already at the church. We decided to have a small reception afterwards in the church fellowship hall.

Since there are four of us kids, we thought it would be nice to have the girls stand up with Mom and the guys stand up with Dad. The three daughters and one daughter in law and the one son and three sons in laws made up the “wedding party.” Mom kept saying she wasn’t wearing white and wasn’t walking to the Bridal March, so we did make some changes from a typical wedding. After all, it wasn’t a first wedding. Although it kind of was. Mom and Dad eloped so for them, it was their first wedding. So we changed up the tradition a little. We wanted everyone in our immediate family involved, so the grandsons seated the guests. My two little ones and a great-granddaughter, Faith, passed out little programs that listed all of our names. We played a CD with piano music of love songs while people were seated and it was perfect.

Mom wore a beautiful gold-colored dress and jacket since your 50^th anniversary is “golden.” Dad wore a black suit. Girls wore black dresses, all different, and guys wore black pants and tan dress shirts with different ties. After all of the guests were seated, the older grandkids walked down and sat in the front row. Then the little ones had their turn. Indira and Faith wore polka dotted black dresses and Drew wore a little linen jacket with his dress shirt and pants. They looked amazing. Then my brother, Tim, walked back down to get Mom. I have never seen my Dad so in love. He was just admiring her from the front and I thought we all would start crying right then and there! And Mom just kept her eyes forward and glanced at Dad a couple of times, almost looking shy. Wow. How do you still have that kind of love and admiration after 50 years?

Pastor Martha did an awesome job with the ceremony. She knew we wanted to keep it casual and light and she did exactly that. She commented on the way that Mom and Dad look at each other with their “twinkle.” Everyone could see it, too. Then, at the close of the ceremony, Pastor Martha invited the grandkids to join us up front to surround Mom and Dad with love for the final prayer. We all huddled around them and put our hands on their shoulders. It was beautiful!

After leaving the sanctuary we headed over to Asbury Hall, the fellowship hall at our church, for the reception. They still cut a cake and toasted punch and looked like two teenagers in love. We had pictures on the table that stuck out of gold flower pots. They seemed to be a big hit. They were pictures of them when they were little, growing up, high school, newly married and all of us kids over the years. It was fun to see people we had not seen since we were kids looking at all of the memories.

It was a success. In all aspects. They enjoyed it. We enjoyed it and I think our guests did, too. I walked away from the party not only appreciating my parents for an amazing job raising all of us, but also inspired. I’m inspired to never give up on my marriage. I’m inspired to teach my kids the values of love and respect that I was taught and inspired to treasure all of my days with my lovely parents.

Until next time…peace, love, and a good night’s sleep!

Family: 50 Years!

2009-04-28T05:02:00.000-07:00

For the last couple of months, I have been planning my parents' 50th anniversary party. I've been consumed by it, really. I can't help but want to make it as special as I can when I think about their story and my own life as a child. Although not perfect, we had and still have a special bond in our family that is obviously to the credit of my parents. So today, as I wrap up final plans for the ceremony and reception on Saturday, I think its appropriate to reflect on something I am eternally grateful for....

Mom and Dad were originally married by the Justice Of The Peace. I have made a couple of assumptions as to why there wasn't a wedding. I'm pretty sure Dad's folks did not approve and it may have been a money issue as well. Either way, they "ran off" to get married and have been together ever since. They are renewing their vows this Saturday with their friends and family at the church that they have attended for the last 30 years.

We didn't grow up with a ton of money. We were average, middle class. I'm pretty sure when I was very young, it was pretty tight financially even. That was when all four of us lived at home. It was a pretty small house and yet I don't remember thinking we were deprived of anything. I just remember that I always felt loved by my parents and my siblings. I feel almost guilty sometimes, because my childhood was so happy. I know that isn't something that everyone had and I don't take it for granted.

While preparing for the anniversary party, we went through a ton of old pictures and decided to display them on the tables at the reception. It was hilarious. And emotional. Some pictures of my Dad just cracked me up. Shaggy, dark hair very different from the short white hair he has today. And Mom's "frosted" hair...so 70's! Of course we saw pictures of people who were not in our family anymore due to divorce. Those were kind of sad because we truly miss them! Then you would run across the occasional picture that brought you to tears. Grandparents that have passed on. Me, very pregnant with one of our babies that didn't make it. My nephew Russell, whose death a year ago is still too fresh to even know how to deal with sometimes. I can't believe what we have been through together. Growing up. Laughing. Arguing. Moving out. Getting married. Having children. Losing children.

My family is, and will always be, one of the greatest blessings in my life. We know we are all different. Not one of us four kids, or my parents, are exactly alike. And yet, we love each other more than I could ever put into words. That love, that relationship, is because of our amazing parents. We were always taught that you never hold a grudge, try not to get involved in other people's arguments and to love each other. If I can pass on a fraction of that to my kids, I will be happy.

Here's to love....and at least 50 more years of it!

Fat: Ugh!

2009-04-26T05:57:00.000-07:00

I have been putting off blogging about my battle to lose weight. I always procrastinate on the things I dislike the most. I haven't really wanted to talk about it because its so hard! Its been a battle for me since I got married, really. I know for sure that I gained because I stopped playing volleyball. I played all through high school and my freshman year of college. After I came home, I quit playing and gained a gajillion pounds. (And yes...a gajillion is a real number. I just won't tell you how much it is!) It sounds like an easy fix, right? Just start an activity back up so you can lose the weight, right? Unfortunately, its not that easy for me. My body is different today than it was when I was 21. Which really sucks. But first of all, finding time to go work out is very difficult. I do most of the kid-time stuff right now because Hubby is working too much.=) And when I do try to work out, I do it for a few weeks and get discouraged because I am not seeing results fast enough! I know, I know! The answer isn't to just quit! But that's the reality.

I do enjoy working out! I love it! When I can make it happen. The unfortunate part is fitting it in. How do you make it happen? I wish I enjoyed doing dvd's from home, but they just drive me crazy. The kids will start fighting, the doorbell will ring, the phone will ring, etc. Once I have paused it 3 or 4 times, I just get irritated. I think that is why I love going to the YMCA so much. No one bothers me. Its just really hard to fit that in. You have to find someone to watch the kids or hope and pray Hubby gets home so you can go. Its just a lot of work.

Anyway, rather than complain the entire post I should focus on changing the situation! I'm on a mission to fit exercise into my day. I fit everything else in. Haircuts happen, Dr. appointments get scheduled, homework gets checked, dinner gets on the table and teeth get brushed. Everyday. Why can't my health be a priority? Why can't I make sure to take care of myself each day. Why must I feel guilty for making Drew play in the child care area at the Y while I ride the bike 3 times a week? Why do I feel guilty for making that time for myself when obviously I am teaching my kids the importance of good health?

The good news is that I have started to lose a little just by changing the eating habits. I'll talk about that in another post. But I know the key to my good health isn't just about what I eat and weight loss. Its about being active, too!

Unfortunately, I have about 60 pounds to lose. Wow. That's a lot. 8 down, 52 to go. I've done it before, I can do it again. (I didn't have this much to lose before, though!) I'll keep you posted on my progress!

Until next time....peace, love and baby carrots!

Family: What A Great Day!

2009-04-24T19:09:00.000-07:00

Today I had an amazing day! I felt so overwhelmingly happy and blessed that I teared up more than once! I know, I know. I am such a dork. I am so much like my Dad in that way. We can't keep our emotions hidden to save our lives. But seriously, when is the last time we had such a beautiful day? Probably not that long ago, but it certainly seems like forever!

My day began with a chuckle. Indira was so excited to wear flip flops to school that the world could have been crumbling around her and she wouldn't have known. I love seeing such simple things amuse my kids. Makes me strive to find the joy in the little things more often. Next, I went searching for my cell phone that I thought I had misplaced. Found it in my purse and saw a couple of hilarious text messages from friends I have recently reconnected with. Needless to say, it brought a smile to my face for the second time today.

When I walked outside to take Drew to preschool, I knew this day was just going to keep getting better. It was amazing this morning. Drew was happy that it was so nice out, too. Isn't it crazy how much the weather can affect us? And can you believe Indira had a half-day at school today? Wow...that was a blessing right there! Finally, one of those teacher in-service things landed on a pretty day!

While I wanted to take advantage of the weather, I really had some other things to do that had to be done. Ahh, the conflict. The responsible part of me wanted to put the kids outside at our house and be productive all day. The other part of me wanted to play outside, too! I thought it best to compromise. Let me take a couple of hours of play time and then finish some tasks that had to be done by next weekend. So there is was. The plan. We were playing for at least a couple hours. Drew walked out of the house after changing into play clothes and exclaimed, "Mom! My armpits are SLIMY!!!!" Yep, it was turning out to be a great day!

We decided to go to Westside park so we could take a walk by the river, AFTER we ate our Mickey D's on a blanket. For once, the kids didn't argue. I didn't have to yell at anyone. It was just this amazing, beautiful afternoon.

I couldn't help but think about the gifts that God gives us every day. As I sat there soaking up some much-needed vitamin D, I kept saying "Wow, God is good" over and over in my head. The funny thing is, He always is! We just don't choose to see it every day. Its pretty easy when its 82 degrees and sunny outside. But how often do I forget when its raining?

After an awesome day playing and some errands that had to be done, we finished the day with a treat. PJ met us and we all went to see the new Disney movie called "Earth." All I can say is "Wow." For a nature lover or animal lover, its amazing. Do you ever watch your kids and think, "YES! I think you might actually understand!" Tonight I had one of those moments. I am so happy to say that I don't think either of our kids take the gift of this creation for granted. They both love and are blown away sometimes at how amazing our world is.

That's all for now! Until next time....peace, love and sunshine!!!!

Faith: Who's Right?

2009-04-22T04:39:00.000-07:00

I usually don't think about these types of things so early in the morning. I typically think about how many things I have to do, who has to be where that day, if I will happen to have time to clean up a mess that's been lingering too long, etc. But this morning, my mind is going a hundred miles an hour about all of the different views and beliefs out there about God. Its making me crazy, really. And not for the reason you might think. I really don't have that attitude of "poor souls, they just don't get it..." about everyone who thinks or believes differently than I do.

I feel like I need to spit out some sort of "Statement of Faith" or something. I do believe in the love of God. I believe in the goodness of man, too. After all, if we were made in His image, by Him, how in the world could we be inherently "bad?" Sooooo.....and stay with me here....how is it that a person who doesn't believe in your version of who God is, what His name is, etc...how are they "bad" or "wrong?" If God created them in His image, perfect, because after all...He doesn't make mistakes, right? How is it that they are wrong?

I grew up attending a Methodist church. Back then, the Methodists, or at least my home church, were very different than they are today. I grew up focusing on the love of God for all people. We rarely were preached "at." We spent time learning about the love of Jesus, about our Creator and fostering a relationship with Him. We didn't focus on the "list" of do's and don'ts. We were often made fun of, judged, really, by the more conservative groups for being too liberal and "not taking a stand on anything." Then I went to a Baptist-based school, and college for a short time, where the thoughts were much different. I always had these conflicting thoughts in my head about the love of God because it had been taught in two very different ways to me.

So here I am today. With family and friends with backgrounds and beliefs more diverse than the Methodists vs. Baptists background I had. Is it possible that God reveals Himself to people in different ways because He knows we are different? Just think about it....how big is your God? Do you think there is only one way of seeing Him really? Do you think He created all of this amazing diversity in this world that is downright beautiful, only to say that in order to love Him, you must fit into a "one size fits all" relationship? I don't think so. I'm finding that God reveals Himself in many different ways....so that Man can "get it." For some, its through a Baptist church and for others.....its not. He knows our hearts and wants to love us and meet us where we are, how He created us. I'm done putting Him a box that Man has created.

That's all for this morning! Until next time....peace, love and a fabulous handbag!

Family: Dipstick!

2009-04-20T20:33:00.000-07:00

I'm sure I'll post a more thought provoking entry later this evening. (It seems that is when I really do my pondering!) But for now, here is a little story that may make you smile!

Don't you just crack up at those people who always seem to use the wrong words? Or mix their cliches? I do that. Often. I'll say something like "I feel like a hundred dollars" instead of a "million." Its hereditary, too. My Mom tried to quote Forrest Gump and said "Momma always said life is like a bowl of cherries" instead of "box of chocolates." Well, the proverbial apple doesn't fall far from the tree. (Ha! See...got that one right!) Indira said something silly with her Daddy in the car the other day. Once she caught herself she said, "I know, I'm a shit-stick." PJ was stunned. He started cracking up! He then said, "Indira, I have never called you a shit-stick!" She knew she had used the wrong word at this point and replied, "I mean...DIP-STICK!"

While I am not proud to admit that we sometimes call our children dip-sticks while joking around, I can honestly say that we do not call them shit-sticks. I don't really know where shit-stick came from. I don't know that I care...it was hilarious.

Until next time...peace, love and great shoes!

Faith: Where To Start????

2009-04-20T17:17:00.000-07:00

As promised, I did specify the topic in the title. I won't be discussing what I had to eat today, nor will I share any funny stories about my kids. Nahhhh, tonight let's start BIG. We're just going to go all out and offend some folks right off the bat! Just kidding. I won't get into too much controversy on my first night. You won't come back if I do. I'll take my darling husband's advice and ease you into my twisted way of thinking.

Tonight I want....I need....to blog about why we believe what we believe. I'm irritated. Or aggravated. Whatever the correct word to use is, I'm that. Irritated that so many of us believe in something only because someone told us to. And I mean those of us, I was one for a very long time, who even believe because a pastor told us. Or a priest, minister, man/woman of the cloth, whatever your church leader's title is. From a pulpit. On a stage. In a robe. In a suit. In flip flops. Whatever. Your traditional pastor, or your new and improved "cool guy" pastor. Or your parents, grandparents, or even spouse told you what to believe and you just took it. Without searching on your own. Without your own opinion. Just blindly following whatever some respectable HUMAN tells you. Am I the only person who finds this just a tad disturbing? Your pastor is HUMAN. Your grandpa is HUMAN. There were 14 year old girls marrying men with several different wives that were following a pastor's advice.

Don't freak out. I am not accusing your pastors of something so ridiculous. (And yes, I think getting married at 14 to a man with several wives is ridiculous. I try to be open minded, but that whole drama really bothered me.) What I am trying to say is...why do you believe what you believe? Why do you do or not do what you do or don't do?

If its because you have prayed, meditated, searched, whatever word you happen to like using, then I am great with that. (As if you care!) But I think its a bit crazy, dangerous, lazy and sometimes just plain silly to blindly follow what someone else tells you to follow. And before I get accused of having little or no faith, wait! Because I can just hear all of my conservative friends (that I dearly love, mind you!) saying that the role of the church is to lead you, help you grow, etc.... I know, I know. Trust me...I can guarantee that I have heard it. But just ponder, meditate, pray about this...when Jesus says "Seek and ye shall find" what do you think He means? What does SEEK mean? Sit in a pew and let someone else tell you? Or go searching? I search all the time. For the very first time in my life, I am completely at peace with questioning all that I have ever been told. Some of what I am finding still fits. Some doesn't. I'm OK with that.

I think I am a part of a generation that questions, or tries to question why we believe what we believe. When things don't add up, we speak up. We are often met with a defensive, "its just that way" kind of explanation and just give up. Nothing is worse than wanting to know your God more, genuinely loving your Creator and being met with an almost heretical accusation. Could that be why church attendance is down? Ahhh, another post. And I promise to ruffle some feathers with that one!

Until next time....peace, love and great shoes! =)

Just Another Blogger....

2009-04-20T10:15:00.000-07:00

A dime a dozen, aren't we? I guess there are just some of us who feel compelled to share with the world everything from what we ate for breakfast to what we think happens after we die. I've tried to journal in the past, but realized that while I loved keeping some thoughts private, I really wanted to discuss other thoughts. And sometimes, face to face conversations can get heated. Even if we don't want them to! So....here is my answer! To fulfill my need to purge all of the useless info in my head! To stand on my own soapbox! I will blog my way to understanding. To perfect love. To world peace. Did I go too far? Nope. I am one person who is determined to be able to have a loving conversation with...my laptop? Ahh, jeez. Just forget it! Here's my intent...in a nutshell; I love discussing different views, even those different than my own! I love hearing why people think what they think and believe in what they believe in. I have my own views that I like to talk about and I am looking for a way to learn more about everything!

I also love being able to tell funny stories about my kids and family. Life is good! Some things just need to be written down and shared. With a 5 year old and an 8 year old, our house is full of surprises and humor.

One constant in my life is my journey to good health. I am lying. See how I did that? I put the ol' "I'm not worried about how I look, I just want to be healthy" spin on that. The reality is that I do care. I am always on a quest to lose weight. To look better. To fit into a pair of skinny jeans. (I could go on....) But more important than my vain attempt at looking good is a real desire for good health. So I love sharing my ups and downs of trying to stay healthy. I am blessed to have a sense of humor about my weight. I consider myself very fortunate to be very healthy other than my weight, so its not that deep. Just a funny, sometimes irritating but always present part of my life.

So join me! I will not promise to write daily. I will fail if I do. I do promise to post some thought provoking topics that you may comment on and discuss if you dare! And I'll even try to include which topic I am rambling about that day in the title. After all, you may not care about what I had for breakfast!

Until next time....(which will probably be tonight!)